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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pulling out of hen do abroad

48 replies

Flutterbye22 · 29/05/2023 00:41

Hi all, I broke up with my fiancé about two years ago and I’m currently single. I’m struggling a lot with anxiety and low mood since we broke up. All my friends are in long term relationships, either married, engaged or living together. I currently live with my mum temporarily and I am feeling really crap about my life. This hen do is with 20 women and it’s abroad for a long weekend, only know a few of them, but not well. I just don’t know if I’m up to it emotionally… a lot of the girls going are married, have kids etc.
really like the bride, met her about 4/5 years ago on a training course.

Things I’m worried about include my mood dipping or being up and down while I’m out there and how I’ll manage that or get some space… also worried about being left on my own or being triggered by the other women going talking about their relationships, weddings etc.

what does everyone think? Shall I pull out? I don’t really know what to do for the best.

OP posts:
PleaseMakeItGoAway · 29/05/2023 00:58

Would you be tempted to drink too much to forget about your unhappiness?

Sorry, I can't advise on whether you should go or not, but hen parties usually have a lot of alcohol. I'm low at the moment myself from bereavement and would not go because I wouldn't be in a good place to drink in party mode and being quite careful with just having a couple of drinks instead.

Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 29/05/2023 01:20

PleaseMakeItGoAway · 29/05/2023 00:58

Would you be tempted to drink too much to forget about your unhappiness?

Sorry, I can't advise on whether you should go or not, but hen parties usually have a lot of alcohol. I'm low at the moment myself from bereavement and would not go because I wouldn't be in a good place to drink in party mode and being quite careful with just having a couple of drinks instead.

Yes, I’m staying away from alcohol at the moment too. I’m sorry for your loss and I am here to talk if you ever need as I lost my Dad at the same time my relationship ended.

I just don’t really feel in party mode and don’t want to bring others down, including the bride! Grief and low mood is such a hard thing to overcome (especially in this context), because going out and being around others can also help. However, I think it’s about striking that balance between being around others and also having time to recharge individually. I haven’t quite got there with my balance yet and I’m worried this hen do could be too much for me

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 29/05/2023 01:39

What's the financial situation? If you pull out what will you lose or wil it increase the costs for everyone else? Are you going to the wedding?

On a separate note, have you spoken to anyone about your low mood? You broke up with your fiancé two YEARS ago, if it's still affecting you so much I think maybe you need some extra support with it

Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 29/05/2023 06:11

SleepingStandingUp · 29/05/2023 01:39

What's the financial situation? If you pull out what will you lose or wil it increase the costs for everyone else? Are you going to the wedding?

On a separate note, have you spoken to anyone about your low mood? You broke up with your fiancé two YEARS ago, if it's still affecting you so much I think maybe you need some extra support with it

Hi,
I’ve paid for most of it. I think there’s £100 outstanding so it shouldn’t affect costs for others. I will be going to the wedding, yeah.
I am in the process of getting support for myself and will be starting therapy next week. It’s been really difficult.

OP posts:
BigChesterDraws · 29/05/2023 06:21

You broke up two years ago and you’re still being “triggered” when people mention their husbands or boyfriends in conversation? So you were single when the hen do was first planned. In the nicest possible way, get a grip.

Shoxfordian · 29/05/2023 06:25

It sounds like you’re assuming because they’re married or have kids that they’re happier than you which could be true or could be not the case at all. Therapy will help but also it’ll help to go and be amongst friends - tell them you’re struggling, nothing like a group of women to help you, we’ve all been through break-ups. Don’t cancel because you’ve committed to going.

GoodChat · 29/05/2023 06:28

Have you spoken to your GP? These feelings 2 years down the line are unusual.

I think the good thing about hen dos is that women tend to use them as family-free time, so there probably wont be much of the conversation you're worried about.

It seems that making new friends might actually really benefit you. I think you should go.

Runwayw · 29/05/2023 06:29

@BigChesterDraws what a vile comment. OP has also said she lost her dad at the same time. You should apologise to her.

OP I’m sorry things are difficult for you at the moment. I hope the therapy helps and I think I would pull out of the hen do. Personally like you, I can deal with things as long as I have some time alone to recharge and you might not get that x

openstop · 29/05/2023 06:33

I think as long as you pay your share they won't mind. And maybe ask GP if there is some therapy you can access- two years is a long time to be feeling like you can't be around married people.

Bramblesflock · 29/05/2023 06:35

Kindly, I think you might be overthinking this a little.

You've paid for it and agreed to go, personally I don't cancel or back out of anything I've said yes to unless illness/emergency.

I think you'll have a great time, just enjoy yourself! It sounds like you're in a great position, you're not in an unhappy relationship and are footloose and fancy free, and you're just taking time to figure out your next steps while staying with your mum temporarily. Nothing wrong with that whatsoever!

I'm so sorry you lost your Dad, and at the same time as the relationship break up - that must have been really tough to go through.

Sounds like you're a strong, resilient woman and you deserve to go and have a good time. If you need to take time to yourself then you can absolutely do that - with 20 others it's not like it'll be an issue!

greennotepad · 29/05/2023 06:35

You don’t say what your relationship with the bride is, but assuming you’re important to her then I’m sure she will understand. So long as people don’t have to pay more for their share, they won’t mind either.

Agree with PP that therapy is a good idea so you don’t have to miss out on stuff like this for the rest of your life.

shakeitoffsis · 29/05/2023 06:39

Being married with kids doesn't automatically equal happiness so remove that from the equation. Would you go if everyone was single?

I'd go regardless.

realityhack · 29/05/2023 06:42

Just pull out. MN places massive importance on hen dos and I never understand why- people getting smashed and carrying around blow up dicks etc. If you dont feel emotionally up to it then I wouldnt go.

barmycatmum · 29/05/2023 06:43

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autienotnaughtym · 29/05/2023 06:45

I would pay the remainder . See how you feel and if you are not comfortable going I'd claim covid/sickness bug. That way you are not letting your friend down /risking fall out. Then have a quiet weekend at home

autienotnaughtym · 29/05/2023 06:47

Also agree with above re healing. No one else has had your experience they don't get to decide when you should feel better. Good luck with therapy

wp65 · 29/05/2023 06:48

Hi OP,
I really feel for you. I think it would be fine not to go. It's a big group, you've already paid, so you won't be ruining anything by not going. If it's easier, as a PP suggested, claim you have a sickness bug right before.
You are ill, just not in a way everyone will understand.

GreenestValley · 29/05/2023 06:50

So much advice here to back out. I find it really surprising and saddening.

life isnt something to run away from… sitting around at home moping is genuinely rarely the right option.

think about your friend and being there for her - she will be disappointed if you don’t go. Think about the waste of your hard earnt money you wont get back.

Even though its an unknown quantity, you’re likely to have more laughs than staying home all weekend.

The lyrics to one of the greatest musicals come to mind…

What good is sitting
All alone in your room?
Come hear the music play
Life is a cabaret, old chum
Come to the cabaret"

Start by admitting
From cradle to tomb
It isn't that long a stay
Life is a cabaret, old chum
It's only a cabaret, old chum
And I love a cabaret...

Wildspace · 29/05/2023 06:52

Think a few months down the line - would you regret not going? It’s possible to really overthink stuff like this but when you get there it’s all ok. It could be the right time to just go for it and just see how it goes. If you want some time out just step away from the group for a while. It’s a huge group and I expect there’ll be other people there going through stuff of their own .

RosaSkye · 29/05/2023 06:52

I think , if you can manage to, you should go. I understand your anxiety around the issues, but - hear me out here- what if you go, relax on the sun, have a great time? Then it’ll reroute some of those fears and begin to rebuild your social confidence.

In a group of women it’s most likely people are dealing with a variety of needs and circumstance. Some may not be drinking, others will want space at times, may have lost pregnancies etc. at the moment you feel that everyone has the perfect life except you- but that won’t be the case.

It’s possible your low mood and anxiety are lying to you here- telling you that you won’t fit in or enjoy it

RosaSkye · 29/05/2023 06:53

Exactly as @Wildspace says

Isthisexpected · 29/05/2023 06:54

I wouldn't go if you still feel as you do now when the time comes. The context will be people talking about their kids, husbands and out of that size group someone will be pregnant I expect. It doesn't matter if they're privately unhappy that probably won't come up on a hen do. Sometimes it is hard to hear "we" when you're an "I". When you're feeling really down about what you don't have, being around others who (you perceive) have it all will just further bring you down. However, you're starting therapy soon so may be healing by then.

I'm sorry life has dealt you a blow. I hope you feel better soon.

MaPaSpa · 29/05/2023 06:55

Honestly OP I think it‘ll do you a world of good to go.

being around joy and friendship and nonsense will probably get your mind off it. You don’t have to drink or get overly pissed.

why not choose to enjoy yourself. And honestly sisterhood in the face of sadness and grief can be so fulfilling. Rather than feeling shit at home and missing out, while watching everyone’s IG stories of the good time they’re having.

Fedupofdiets · 29/05/2023 06:58

I have found there is nothing worse for anxiety and low mood than sitting at home focusing on those negative feelings. 20 is a large group and there will be a mix of women there, if it were a smaller group I would think twice. Go and have fun, it may well be a great distraction from where you are now.

JustDanceAddict · 29/05/2023 07:03

I’d 100% go! I have some issues and sort of dread social stuff sometimes (never used to but that’s life) but am always glad I’ve gone even if I’m relieved to get home at the end.
I always feel worse at home dwelling on stuff (also had cbt but mine is more health related).
its not nice being the only singleton, but you’ll all be women together not a third wheel and they won’t talk about their relationships constantly I’m sure!!

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