Pulling out of hen do abroad

[Flutterbye22]

Hi all, I broke up with my fiancé about two years ago and I’m currently single. I’m struggling a lot with anxiety and low mood since we broke up. All my friends are in long term relationships, either married, engaged or living together. I currently live with my mum temporarily and I am feeling really crap about my life. This hen do is with 20 women and it’s abroad for a long weekend, only know a few of them, but not well. I just don’t know if I’m up to it emotionally… a lot of the girls going are married, have kids etc.
really like the bride, met her about 4/5 years ago on a training course.

Things I’m worried about include my mood dipping or being up and down while I’m out there and how I’ll manage that or get some space… also worried about being left on my own or being triggered by the other women going talking about their relationships, weddings etc.

what does everyone think? Shall I pull out? I don’t really know what to do for the best.

In such a big group, there’ll be plenty of opportunities to take yourself off. You might make new friends, social interaction is important for our mental health. Humans are not solitary creatures. I reckon you might have some well needed fun.

Do it for your friend. You won’t spoil it (that’s a bit of an excuse, yes?)

OP, don’t go, and don’t feel guilty about it. I’ve been in the position of supporting someone in a similar mental state to yours and the strain of trying to keep a lid on periods of extreme anxiety when they came would have made such a trip impossible. Please look after yourself, focus on your own recovery and grab the therapy with both hands.

Take the leap and go. It will be better than you are expecting.

Op, anxiety is debilitating. Coming from someone who suffers from it too, sometimes it really helps to put yourself out there and just go for it. You will more than likely end up having a great time.

GO! ❤️
It might be just what you need, a weekend away with a load of girls.
There's bound to be a bit of talk about marriage as it's a hen do but it'll probably be more cocktails and penis straws (& moaning about their dh's)😂
Go with the right attitude of "I'm going to have a good time, I'm going to let my hair down, have a few cocktails, dance and make a few new friends and if I need a timeout I'll pop off for a coffee and regroup then rejoin them"
Seriously though, if you're still struggling two years down the line you may need some help, I'm not minimising your struggles but therapy could help and I say this as someone who was anti therapy until I needed some myself.
Btw there's nothing wrong with moving back in with family whilst you sort yourself out, that's what family is for, it's not a failure, it's sensible.
Please go and have a good time

If you pull out now you need to pay the outstanding amount.

However going might be a nice busy distraction so I would still go personally.

The context will be people talking about their kids, husbands and out of that size group someone will be pregnant I expect

god that’s like something out the fifties. Been on plenty hen dos, no one sits talking about their Husbands and kids. Women have lives you know. They might be mentioned in passing , but that’s It. We talk about work, social events, current events, we don’t sit about talkin about our husbands and kids.

bloody hell

I backed put of a hen do, then last minute decided to go. Had an AMAZING time and developed new friendships I still have years later. Please go. You will love it

I'm so sorry, it sounds like you're going through a lot at the moment. My advice would be, depending upon when the hen do is and how successful the therapy turns out to be, would be to keep your place on it and see how you feel closer to the time. As you've said you've already mostly paid for it anyway, and you won't get that back; and you start therapy this week, which means you may be in better place by the time it rolls around.

If you don't feel better at that time (or it's really close in time, like this week or something) then you're sick, which is a perfectly legitimate reason to not go.

You'll get loads of buck up style comments here, and also the get over it, it's easy, type ones - just ignore them, this is obviously depression, which is a medical issue. It's the equivalent of telling someone with a broken leg that going for a park run will be good for them!

Good luck and I hope you feel better soon.

Honestly OP, this break sounds like it could do you the world of good.

I’m not a great lover of hen parties, but a change of scenery, good company and the feel of heat on your bones sounds much more beneficial than wallowing about at home.

I know you’ve had a hard time, but it’s been two years. You’re at a real danger of life passing you by. Sometimes you just need to do something that will put you outside your comfort zone to give you a kick up the arse.

I think you should go. It sounds like you really need a break both from feeling sad and probably from your living situation. This is actually a perfect trip for you as it will be only women. I would understand it more if it was couples and you. You might have loads of fun, you might create deeper friendships with women you didn't know or were just acquainted with, heck you might even meet someone to have some fun with. You know that if you don't go you will have what you have now, so what have you got to lose?

Get a grip? Really? That's your suggestion for someone with low mood and anxiety? I recommend you offer your services as some sort of depression guru. You'd have the UK's mental health crisis solved in no time.

Hi OP.

I split with my fiance and it's been really difficult, so I feel for you. I also went on a hen do recently and had the same worries you do. But it was actually such a tonic to have a change of scenery and have such a laugh with the girls. I barely knew anyone and that was really nice too because I made new friends and I didn't have to tell them my back story, I simply said I was single and left it at that.

I would urge you to go, what's the worst that can happen? You can't really feel worse than you already do. And who knows, it might be the start of a new happy, healing journey for you :)

Good luck!

Can you speak to the bride and explain that you're struggling and cant cope with alcohol and constant activities and you're worried about bringing them down, and see what she says. If she is understanding and happy for you to go and join them for meals or activities as and when rather than commit to everything then I'd go. If she insists that you'll be fine and puts pressure on you to join massive nights out then I'd probably not go although you need to be aware that this might affect your friendship (even though that's not fair).

I mean this kindly but I really hope you're getting help as it's not normal to be 'triggered' by someone mentioning their partner or kids, it's also impossible to avoid women with families and treating them as different, and avoiding them, won't ultimately help you.

Go OP. I usually find if I don’t want to go somewhere or am dreading it for whatever reason, I have the best time.
Go, let your hair down, have a laugh. Also take a book and if it gets too much, disappear for a little while and say you’re off to read your book for a little while. X

I'm so sorry you lost your dad and your relationship ended around the same time. That's hellish. I hope that your therapy helps a lot OP. Pay no attention to those advising you to get a grip. They could do with an empathy infusion. I agree with PPs who suggest keeping your place and going if you feel up to it, pull a sicky if not. Having a get our of jail free card may take the pressure off for you. A hen party is just a party. It has no higher purpose/meaning so reframe it in your mind as a party you'll attend if you feel up to it, and focus on getting stuck into therapy for now xxx

Perhaps going could be the turning point that helps you start seeing life in a more positive light?

Ahh thanks so much everyone. You’ve made me feel a lot better about it all, so think I’ll continue to go!

I also think you should go, it is surely going to be more enjoyable than sitting around at home moping. In a group of about 20, I doubt you would be the only single person there and in any case, married women don’t sit around and only talk about their husbands and their weddings!

I'm glad you've decided to go. Assuming you have your own room I think you should pack a good book, a couple of facemasks and view it as an opportunity to opt in and out as much as you like with the group. Definitely go easy on the alcohol. You might find yourself having some lovely chats with other women and getting out of your own thoughts a bit.

This has been the most supportive and understanding of responses that it almost brought me to tears. Thank you so much, I wish we were friends in real life! X

I'm glad it helped you, if you were my friend and told me that you might not be able to make it to my party because you're ill, whatever kind of ill, my first question would be what can I do to help you - I don't think any party is more important than a friend's health and wellbeing. And I'd be surprised if your friends thought differently!

I hope your therapy is helping, I think you probably just need that extra time and help to heal. And that's okay, most illnesses need time and help to heal, this is not any different just because people can't see it from the outside.

Sending a virtual hug in your direction!