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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husbands ex is ruining my life

52 replies

Mumof3premies · 28/05/2023 16:16

So my husband has a 9 year old daughter from a one night stand.
however, his daughter is convinced probably from my mum is sad that are going to get back together even though we are married and we have a child together
before we got together 4 years ago any relationship he got in or attempted to get in his daughters. Mum would ruin it before anything even started. So when we got together she was so lovely to me and we had his daughter two days a week sometimes more in the holidays and if I’m honest it was me doing all of the work, then we had a little boy in 2021 and everything changed so his daughter started being absolutely awful with her behaviour. She would steal she would lie. She would hit me hit the baby in front of a dad, She was this little angel and made out that I was just making it all up, so she was horrible to my little children and I just didn’t know what to do so I moved out and we live separately for a while. So during this time he would only see his daughter if I was there because he couldn’t have any contact with a mum because she’s the worst human being in the whole world to be honest , but now his daughter is literally a clone of a mum said anything and Mum says she says it as well so when I’m being slagged off that’s what she thinks well obviously it’s not her fault but it is making my life unbearable every single weekend when she comes her mum is coming to my house and she’s banging in the door and she’s demanding her child or if I don’t answer and we’re out she will just ring and ring and ring and I don’t really know what to Do anymore I’ve tried to take myself out of the situation but obviously I’m married and if I don’t include I am the bad one if I do include it I just got loads of abuse for example I took her daughter home today then got a text message saying she hopes my disabled 1 year old son dies on his next surgery! That’s just one example please help because I really can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to leave my marriage but I want him to have a relationship with his daughter away from me until she’s old enough to have a relationship without her mum being involved.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 28/05/2023 16:27

Do not do anything for his daughter. Bar her number and get a Ring doorbell so you can gather evidence of her harassment.
In fact I don’t see why he shouldn’t see his daughter out of the house. If she can’t behave then she doesn’t get to come round.

Original poster
Mumof3premies · 28/05/2023 16:38

Well this is my point, I would never say don’t see your kid but I can’t I’ve had 4 years of constant abuse so has my 11 year old getting abuse at school because of her elder daughter. She’s making my life hell to the point where I’m debating leaving my marriage

OP posts:
Freshlycutgrasss · 28/05/2023 16:54

What does your DH say? As his attitude on this issue is key.

If I was you I would block her number from my phone & never have any contact with her again. All contact will need to go through your DH as that is where it should have always been.

I would get a ring doorbell and pay for the subscription (that rcords and stores the footage for 30 days) so that her behaviour is recorded at any time she attends your property.

Your DH needs to tell her that she must stop harassing you, your daughter and your shared child or you will be reporting her to the police for harassment. I would also be contacting the school about what is happening to your daughter there and make them deal with it.

If she continues to kick off and threatens to remove contact from your DH, I would hope your DH would stick to his guns and apply for a contact schedule through mediation/the courts rather than back down and let her continue to harass you.

I would also speak frankly to your DH about this and ensure there are clear behaviour expectations for your SD, that she knows about too and consequences if she behaves inappropriately.

If he doesn't agree then I would be explaining how he is jeopardising your marriage and follow through if he doesn't support you and his daughter to behave better.

Good luck

StaunchMomma · 28/05/2023 16:55

You need to start listing and keeping evidence of her abuse, OP. Plus the things that happen to your kids. Also agree that you need to let DH be the only contact. Block her and refuse to engage.

I'd be reporting to Police, I think. Does your DH know how vicious her abuse is? Wishing a child dead is utterly vile!!

Tangelablue · 28/05/2023 17:16

Is there any reason your DH wouldn't spend time with his daughter without you there? You need to set some boundaries, block her number, there's no need for her to call you. Let your husband know you do not want to be involved when she visits. Sounds like a very difficult, draining situation. I don't blame you for considering walking away.

Original poster
Mumof3premies · 28/05/2023 17:22

I have got a number but she found a different number to message me on every single day so I’ve change my number and I don’t know if she has had her daughter to message her number off my phone so she has my new number or what but somehow she has it and it’s honestly driving me insane. My husband will not speak to her at all after 10 years of abuse that I’ve had for the last four, so it was going through me, arranging pick up and drop off It’s just too much for me now The whole situation is driving us both mad but obviously doesn’t want to court time with his daughter but he doesn’t want any contact with her mum. It’s not like she’s a baby she knows exactly what she’s doing and honestly she’s so vindictive he doesn’t think she does anything wrong, but I can see it all and I’ve just had enough, my little boy is only one & had nine surgeries he’s got severe health problems so during any other surgeries he could’ve died so it’s just such a horrible thing to say it really is like she’s jealous that he stayed with me and with married and have a child and we have a home and I just don’t understand it because it’s not like she’s single, she’s got a boyfriend too We have a ring doorbell and I have reported to the police but they don’t seem to do anything, because obviously one of us to get in contact to arrange contact with his daughter.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumof3premies · 28/05/2023 17:24

Anytime I try and say anything about his daughter her behaviour. We end up arguing anymore because it’s like talking to a brick wall when she’s with her mum, she rings me up in tells me that she hates me and I’m a horrible person and I have took her dad away from her case life. Realistically if it wasn’t for me wouldn’t say yeah because it’s me that goes and picks her up and drop Sarah off me that boxes out me that makes all of the effort and buy the clothes and wash your clothes. I do everything the same for her as I do for my own children for all I get is abuse from every part of it to be honest.

OP posts:
Testina · 28/05/2023 17:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Mumof3premies · 28/05/2023 17:27

Where have I said that he’s a shit dad. He’s a really good dad, but like I said it’s just hard at the moment because I’m on contradicts every single thing that we do with my son he’s absolutely amazing and to be honest with my other two children he’s amazing but it’s quite hard to parent a child who comes one or two days a week, and then the other five her mum is drilling things into my head all the time

OP posts:
CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 28/05/2023 17:31

Well that would be the end of any facilitating I'd be doing in their relationship. I'd tell your husband that you've had enough, you're not stopping him seeing his daughter but you will not be involved in any of the arrangements and she can only be in your house when he's there too. So she can't try and get between the 2 of you by making up stuff.

If they don't like that tough. Why should he get to avoid the abuse but expect you to put up with it?

Testina · 28/05/2023 17:33

Mumof3premies · 28/05/2023 17:27

Where have I said that he’s a shit dad. He’s a really good dad, but like I said it’s just hard at the moment because I’m on contradicts every single thing that we do with my son he’s absolutely amazing and to be honest with my other two children he’s amazing but it’s quite hard to parent a child who comes one or two days a week, and then the other five her mum is drilling things into my head all the time

“we had his daughter two days a week sometimes more in the holidays and if I’m honest it was me doing all of the work”

That’s why I said he was a shit dad.

Testina · 28/05/2023 17:35

“I’m a horrible person and I have took her dad away from her case life. Realistically if it wasn’t for me wouldn’t say yeah because it’s me that goes and picks her up and drop Sarah off me that boxes out me that makes all of the effort and buy the clothes and wash your clothes.”

The typos make that confusing, but again - looks like you making all the effort, not her dad.

So yeah, I’d end the marriage - but you know he’s not going to step up and even try to help his daughter, don’t you?

Dustybarn · 28/05/2023 17:36

Can she be dropped off at his parents or some other relative? Can you get a au pair or neighbour’s teenager to cover the dropoff hour for an hourly rate?

averythinline · 28/05/2023 17:36

its not your job to arrange dh time with his daughter ...just stop... i cant understand why you are arranging contact anyway.... he needs to deal with her.
i would keep all evidence

HappyHamsters · 28/05/2023 17:39

Stop being responsible for his daughter, do not answer the phone, do not pick her up, or take her back to your house, she is not your daughter and you need to report this abuse to the police, school and children's social services safeguarding team. Your dh needs to arrange visits via the Courts and sort this out himself.

Original poster
Mumof3premies · 28/05/2023 17:40

He works 6 days a week and we live 15 miles away and my husband had only just passed his driving test so it was me who could drive so I had to pick up and drop off. We had her 3/4 days in the holiday but he has to work or we can’t eat or pay bills😂 so obviously ass a mum it’s me who does the work at home

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 28/05/2023 17:40

Stop facilitating the visits, if her father will not dopick ups or drop offs then there is no reason why you should.
He has no argument to fall back on since you receive the same awful treatment he is avoiding.

bluebeck · 28/05/2023 17:41

I’m finding your posts quite confusing OP.

I think you are saying you do all the work when DSD sees her dad, and he wants you there when he sees her? Why? Is he so shit he can’t deal with his own child on his own?

I don’t know how you have stood all this shit for this long to be honest.

TomatoSandwiches · 28/05/2023 17:41

Well he drives now so he can pick her up on the way home or on his day off, you do not have to do this anymore.

Original poster
Mumof3premies · 28/05/2023 17:41

Sorry I’ve just had my nails done for the first time in 2 years so I was talking into my phone instead of typing😂😂😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumof3premies · 28/05/2023 17:44

He wants me there as I pick up and dropped off and she constantly asks for me and my kids to be there 😞 he also wanted out little boy to have a relationship with her to but I won’t let her near him if I’m not there as she used to pinch him and bruise him when he was small

OP posts:
Theglowofcandles · 28/05/2023 17:52

Why are you putting up with this?
Call the police, report her for abuse & harassment.
Look into non harrassment order/injunction - put on them that Mum is not allowed at your address/not allowed to text/call or make any contact with you, not allowed to harass or abuse in any way.
Block her number from your phone.
Block the daughters number.
Change your number and don't give the daughter or the mum it.
Keep all previous messages as evidence. Don't be taking the daughter home.
Stop facilitating visits, its not your responsibility.
There's a list of things you could put in place to stop this, I don't understand why you would put up with this. You will be putting up with this for as long as you allow her to treat you this way.

strawberrywhisk · 28/05/2023 17:53

How could she hit you and your baby in front of her father, yet make out she was an angel?

Densol57 · 28/05/2023 17:57

You have to STOP this now.
That step daughter is hurting your disabled son - STOP IT.
You are getting abuse from the step daughters mother - STOP IT.
Block her from all media - STOP the contact.
If your husband wants to see his step daughter then he organises it. He sees her own her own.
He sounds like a weak limp waste of space man and pushing you into the front line to take all the abuse.
Make it all STOP TODAY !!!

You poor thing. Plus report this all to the Police. Demand action is taken. Ask to speak with an Inspector. That last message breaches the Telecommunications Act and is an offence. What you have put up with is insane.
Protect YOU, your son and your other child immediately 💐💐💐MAKE IT STOP NOW

HecticHedgehog · 28/05/2023 17:57

Stop facilitating his time with his child. That's his job and if he doesn't want to, well that's not your problem. You need to completely take yourself out of the equation. Make sure step daughter doesn't have your number so her mum can't get hold of it and tell her all communication must go via your dh from now then block her.