Husbands ex is ruining my life

[Mumof3premies]

So my husband has a 9 year old daughter from a one night stand.
however, his daughter is convinced probably from my mum is sad that are going to get back together even though we are married and we have a child together
before we got together 4 years ago any relationship he got in or attempted to get in his daughters. Mum would ruin it before anything even started. So when we got together she was so lovely to me and we had his daughter two days a week sometimes more in the holidays and if I’m honest it was me doing all of the work, then we had a little boy in 2021 and everything changed so his daughter started being absolutely awful with her behaviour. She would steal she would lie. She would hit me hit the baby in front of a dad, She was this little angel and made out that I was just making it all up, so she was horrible to my little children and I just didn’t know what to do so I moved out and we live separately for a while. So during this time he would only see his daughter if I was there because he couldn’t have any contact with a mum because she’s the worst human being in the whole world to be honest , but now his daughter is literally a clone of a mum said anything and Mum says she says it as well so when I’m being slagged off that’s what she thinks well obviously it’s not her fault but it is making my life unbearable every single weekend when she comes her mum is coming to my house and she’s banging in the door and she’s demanding her child or if I don’t answer and we’re out she will just ring and ring and ring and I don’t really know what to Do anymore I’ve tried to take myself out of the situation but obviously I’m married and if I don’t include I am the bad one if I do include it I just got loads of abuse for example I took her daughter home today then got a text message saying she hopes my disabled 1 year old son dies on his next surgery! That’s just one example please help because I really can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to leave my marriage but I want him to have a relationship with his daughter away from me until she’s old enough to have a relationship without her mum being involved.

As is so often the case - you have a DH problem. He doesn't want the aggro from his ex (is she really an ex if it was a one night stand?) so he offloads it all onto your shoulders.

"My husband will not speak to her at all after 10 years of abuse that I’ve had for the last four, so it was going through me, arranging pick up and drop off It’s just too much for me now"

Well, if he wants to be a dad to his daughter, he needs to step up to the plate. He needs to stop abdicating his responsibility and stop putting you in the firing line. He has to start speaking to his 'ex' and stop involving you.

YOU HAVE A HUSBAND PROBLEM.

Your DSD has two parents. You’re not one of them. If dad is in work she doesn’t come over until he’s home. He can pick her up, pander to her needs, then drop her home.

You don’t need to be involved in DH’s time with his DD. You don’t need to converse with his ex. Block her and stop allowing her to run all over you.

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Okay thank you everybody I have said everything that has been said but kind of made out that it’s me saying it because it’s How I feel but I didn’t really know how to put it into words. I have phoned up and change my phone number change the next 24 hours and I have said that he can see it every single day if he wants to, but he needs to pick up and drop her off and then me and my children will be completely staying out of it, we’ll see how it turns out
I have also contacted the police about the threats and they suggested a normal station order which sounds quite promising and definitely something I’m going to be doing

She doesn't have enough boundaries at yours and is being taught the wrong life values by her mum. Sadly the life values is a really hard thing to change, but the boundaries at yours is an easier one.

You sit her down you tell her what is absolutely not acceptable in your home. No hurting others, saying nasty things, ringing the doorbell constantly, bullying step son st school etc. give her clear consequences for those actions, a discussion about why she did it, removal of her things or privileges and be consistent.

Then reward her good behaviour, I created a family value reward chart, every week they wrote down or said what value they did during the week then got to take a post it note from their reward box. Half of them were blank showing them that good deeds are not done for reward, one was high value (£20) the rest had small value things like sweets, a book, magazine, choose tea etc. it took a while but it worked, they spoke a language of values at ours, it became something they thought about.

But boundaries are so important if she doesn't have consequences for her actions she's never going to learn.

As for crazy ex, she needs a firm boundaries too. I found the power of no, works wonders. We had a mantra of accepting the reasonable rejecting the unreasonable. Her threats were hollow, she needs us to babysit you see so she can have a social life. Also we only gave her one avenue for communication, text message and if they were too often, abusive, not related about the kids then that was cut off and she had to communicate via email.

People behave towards you how you let them. It's time to say no, it's time to put some boundaries in. And at first they will be pushed back on but be consistent, be firm, be fair.

Bring a step parent is such a tough gig I absolutely feel for you- but it can be solved, just keep your standards high and don't accept abuse it should never be part of the deal.

Even by your own omission he's a good father to his other children but not to her. If she's 9 years old and switching phone numbers for sure it's her mum doing it- at her age she wouldn't have access to the means to do this even if she wanted to (which is probably unlikely). The issue sounds like it's with the mother, I suspect when his daughter is with you she acts up as he can't really be arsed and she doesn't visit to spend time with you (no offense)- sounds like a lot of change too, must be hard for her to see her half siblings have a decent dad while he's resentful towards her because he hates her mum.

Absolutely not unreasonable at all for you to block and not converse or look after her by yourself, her father should be thinking how he can parent her whilst protecting you also. If she's the worst person ever by the way, has he fought for his daughter? Can't be a nice environment for her to be growing up in, sounds really horrible for her.

Ffs NO that's the word your looking for NO NO NO

He sees his daughter alone NO ex NO you wiping his ass no-one else calling the shots NO

Keylock your phone and change the number any more abuse from the mom speak to the police

“He works 6 days a week and we live 15 miles away and my husband had only just passed his driving test so it was me who could drive so I had to pick up and drop off.”

And what was he doing about seeing his daughter before you conveniently did all that? You know, when he was a single parent? Cos when I was a single parent I didn’t work 6 days a week, because I wanted to actually SEE MY CHILD. If he can’t afford to live without working 6 days, he couldn’t afford to have another child with you. He should have not had an other child and channelled his money into being able to work one less day to actually see his own kid. No wonder she’s jealous, even before the work her mother has done on her. No excuse for the mother’s behaviour, but he’s not winning any parenting prizes.

So how did he see her before you took over?

Your DH needs to grow a pair and stop this.
That child would not be I my house and assaulting my child.
You need to log the abuse from the mother and report to the police for harassment. Oh and if OH wishes contact with his daughter he does it elsewhere away from you and your children.

I think you need to break the issue down a bit.

the mother of your DH’s daughter is clearly deeply unpleasant- you should block her/refuse to deal with her. Your DH can arrange contact etc without you speaking to or seeing his ex. Leave it up to him. If he doesn’t, then he’s not a good father to this child. You should not try to stop him from seeing his child or deliberately make it hard for him to do so, but do not have contact with her mother directly yourself.

with regards to your step-daughter, I think you need to seperate (to some degree) her from the issues with her mother. She is not behaving well- she’s being awful, by the sounds of things- but it seems very obvious that this is quite a troubled child. She is only 9 and is probably being manipulated by her mother. I’m sure she knows she isn’t being nice and is trying to upset you, but I do think you should reframe how you think about her behaviour because most 9 year olds are not deliberately planning to be vindictive- this is being driven by something because it’s certainly not the behaviour of a happy child, is it? I doubt she’s intrinsically terrible, it’s learnt behaviour or she’s lashing out because she’s hurting/angry/frightened etc. Your DH needs to step in and make time for her (not sure how banning her from your home will help- if it was your shared child you wouldn’t prevent them being in their own home, would you?) to try and work on this. He needs to understand more about how she feels/what is being said to her etc. only then can he even begin to combat the behaviour. It won’t be easy, it won’t be quick and it’s possible that because of what her mum is doing/saying that it won’t be sorted out completely- or worse case scenario, at all. But surely he has to try? Please note, I’m not saying YOU need to do these things- your DH needs to. He may need some moral support from you though.

I’m not saying what is happening is ok, but your issue is primarily with your DS’s mum and her behaviour AND with your DH’s response to what is going on.

I worked full time before I had a child at 26 eeeks and he was born severely disabled so we could afford to have another child thanks

So if you have enough money, why is he working 6 days instead of spending time with him clearly emotionally disturbed daughter.

And you’re not answering how he managed to see her before he met you?

The mum.needs some consequences. Report the offensive messages and harassment to the police, get it logged. Block them from your phone. Do not communicate with the woman at all.

You’ve got to just stop having anything to do with his daughter or her horrendous mother.

It was never your job to do any of this and you’re lacking in any normal sort of boundaries to have put up with it so long.

Your baby needs you, your other children need you, his daughter doesn’t need you and you’re going to have a breakdown if you continue trying to deal with this unnecessary stress and awfulness. Stop being a doormat for the sake of your children if you won’t do it for yourself.

You're telling yourself he’s amazing because you have to keep justifying the position he’s put you in. He had a child with her yet he gets to decline to deal with her behaviour and somehow make you think you have to? I don’t bloody think so.

If he loves you and wants you to be happy, if he loves your baby and thinks he deserves a mum who’s not stressed up to the eyeballs, he’ll take over everything to do with his daughter or he no longer sees her. Not your problem either way.

Put your foot down now, today, and make it clear how serious you are.

If you take a step back you must see that you’re having to involve the police yet he’s still happy for you to deal with this so he doesn’t have to. It’s absolutely insane.

Fuck that. Police for the mother and cease all contact. No more picking up and dropping off, nothing.
I do feel for the 9 year old. She's clearly having a rough time and is jealous and confused. I'd imagine she hears a lot of crap at home, and doesn't spend a lot of time with her dad who you admit leaves you to the majority of the parenting. He lives with other children while she visits a few days. I know it doesn't excuse her hurting your son, but it does explain it.
He needs to spend one on one time with his daughter and build a proper relationship with her, one not facilitated by you. He's a grown adult, he can sort his own life out.

He lived closer to her and still only had her 2 nights a week and took her school , and no now I’m not working we have £42000 a year less so he has to work 6 days a week so we can pay the mortgage we took out before I had to leave work 👍🏼

he will be having her on her own now away from the home a couple of times a week after work. Her mum will stop it tho as she wants a baby sitter so she can go out every Saturday

If she abuses him and he won't even talk to her it's not up to you to facilitate contact when the mum then abuses you and the daughter abuses her disabled brother. Also if she is older than your 11yr old can the daughter just directly contact her dad? Mum doesn't need to contact either of you if daughter is 12+ and has a phone surely?

Sorry I see she's 9. Your posts are confusing to read.
Still not your responsibility to be abused. If dad wants yo see his daughter he'll have to talk to her mum himself or go to court representing himself.

Sorry I’ve been speaking into my phone as it was a lot to type!

OP, your DH sounds like an idiot. And even though what you're doing comes from the right place, you are too, for enabling his behaviour.

You say the child has hit you, and your baby, in front of DH. But he thinks she's an angel. This makes no sense.

He refuses to speak to the mother because she is abusive. But expects you to deal with her. This makes no sense.

Why are you both dancing round the ex like she's so important?? She's not the boss of your lives. She's a co parent who can not be reasoned with. That's it. You go to court and get a formalised order. Why the excuses from DH not to do this?

I didn’t say she hit us in front of him I said in front of him she acts like an angel and makes out I’m insane.

he’s been to court and got two set days and as for calling him an idiot why?? Because he works to provide for his family and he has to pay his ex 100 a week to in maintenance plus everything else we have to pay!! There is a court document and she breaks it every other week and the courts have basically said because she wouldn’t put him on the birth certificate its down to her 🙃

her mum used to be lovely to me and we got on ok like I said until I had my son and her first words were when he FaceTimed his daughter so she could see her brother were ‘god he looks like an alien hopefully he will die soon so he doesn’t grow up to be that ugly’ after that obviously I’ve put my bank up and he has point blank refused to talk to her!

I started to arrange contact as they cannot speak at all and I was picking up and dropping off, it worked for a while until she started again! It wasn’t me making excuses for him but the things she’s done and said are disgusting and he can’t be civil anymore so I said I would be a third party.

She would hit me hit the baby in front of a dad

That's what you said

@InceyWinceySpidy you need to read on:
”She would hit me hit the baby in front of a dad, She was this little angel and made out that I was just making it all up”

What OP meant was:
She would hit me hit the baby.
In front of a dad, She was this little angel and made out that I was just making it all up

@Mumof3premies it really would help if you’d stop using the voice feature on your phone - some of you comments make no sense at all and others it just makes it wrong.

Thank you yea this is what I meant

It’s a struggle to make sense of the posts but I also vote with it being a DH problem.

Why are you having any contact with the ex at all? DH problem.

His 9 year old dd is communicating signs of trauma. DH problem.
Wife being vexed and frustrated by situations of his making. DH problem.