To ask my mum to not rush things and not have DD alone as she doesn't know her?

[KeepHerToMyself]

I have a DD aged 8.

My mum moved abroad when I was pregnant with her, and has never come back to the UK and I’ve never visited, thus they have never met on anything other than a screen. I also haven’t seen my mum on anything other than a screen in all that time.

My mum is finally coming back to the UK over the school summer holidays.

We’re planning a short holiday during the holidays within the UK and mums joining us for some of the days. Fine by me she’s paid for herself.

She keeps saying she can’t wait to have a “sleepover” with DD in her hotel room and to keep her up watching movies and eating icecream. I’ve said no, she’s welcome to join in activities in the day but I am not comfortable leaving DD with my mum as to my DD mum is basically a stranger. My DD hardly knows her, due to SN and facial blindness related to that she wouldn’t even recognise a photo of my mum as she struggles to know people out of context, thus she might not feel happy being left with her.

I’ve said I’m happy to step back during activities towards the end of my mums time here and let mum take over, but because once she goes back on the plane to go to her home I’ll be alone again I don’t think it’s fair for her to take over any care.

My dad lives locally and helps out sometimes and has offered to have DD so me and my mum and/or siblings can go out together childfree (I’m the only one with a DC) but mum keeps saying DD needs to be included in everything including meals.

I am a solo parent, so DD is used to me doing 100%. Mum will be here for 8 weeks and goes home 2 weeks after DD goes back to school and mums on about doing school runs and chatting to her teachers about her and basically “being her other parent” while she’s here. Mum keeps saying she’s have DD on her own without any “horrible parents around” and how she used to leave me with my grandparents and I loved it – yes my grandparents who lived 10 minutes’ walk from my house and I saw at least 3 times a week for years!

I feel selfish for saying I want to enjoy DD together, I have very limited holidays and I want to spend those with DD. I love being her mum, she’s a delight. I don’t mind sharing her but I don’t see why I should give her up overnight to a basic stranger when I wouldn’t even let my parent and siblings who are local have her overnight.

We haven’t needed another parent in the 5 years I’ve been solo, so why would I now? Plus mum doesn't know my DD, she claims to know her, but how much can you really talk on a 15 minute video call a few times a month when I'm there and also wanting to catch up with my mum?

AIBU? And if so how do I get over?

On the flip side ,she might love it. What's the worst that can happen,seriously, she goes back to your hotel room ? Your daughter can make he own mind up.

@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor Because my DD won't even leave me to go into school alone most mornings, she won't go on Scouts sleepovers or overnight school trips. She will hate it. I know her and I know her SN.

Is it possible you can’t cope with the idea of anyone else being close to her?

I’d play it by ear. If your daughter doesn’t want to go when it comes to it, she doesn’t have to. No need to get into a thing about it before your mum is here.

I think that whilst you need to manage your mum's expectations, you also need to adopt a wait and see approach as be adaptable and flexible based on how things develop.

My kids grew up overseas before video calling so they didn't remember their grandparents in the year between visits and little ones, they seemed to just know these essentially strangers were special - dd1 has autism and various challenges so this was potentially a tricky situation but wasn't basically.

Your being absolutely precious and ridiculous sorry! Seems to me like your solo parenting has gone a step too far we have been in a pandemic etc so it’s not like your mum hasn’t had hurdles and barriers in her way.

Your seriously having a issue with your mum wanting to do very normal grandma activities? what if Dd really ends up loving spending time with her and starts insisting on your mums suggestions?

@WhatAmIDoingWrong123 No I'd be happy for DD to go, I tried to persuade her on Scouts camp in November, and onto the school trip overnight in January but she wouldn't go, she didn't want to be away from me.

I'd love to get a night away from her occasionally but I don't, it's just the way it is.

If this was about her dad who'd only face timed her before the responses would be different. I'd say yeah it'll all be lovely to your mom, and can't wait for the sleepover etc. and then just third wheel it. Get matching pjs for the 3 of you. Insert yourself everywhere. There's no need to make a big deal of it in advance just keep inserting yourself. Oh yeah you'll love her teacher- I can't wait to show you where we walk home etc whatever.

Remember 1:1 with your mum isn't the same as scouts or school.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Dad's needs must come first, and from your comments I think she might struggle with what your mum is proposing.

I think she means well. She sounds excited to see DD, and trying to cram 8 years into a few weeks, but unless it's managed, it could go very pearshaped.

I think your boundaries are reasonable. It's better to be able to loosen boundaries if it's going well rather than have to tighten them after something goes wrong.

If your daughter wants to go, great.
If not, then you're right not to force it.
It sounds like you're already closed off to the idea, but then you know your child better than anyone ... certainly an absent grandparent!

Your mum sounds like she's seriously overstepping the mark, OP.

How dare she demand this and that.

You are DDs parent. You get to decide what she does and doesn't do.

Are you happy to see your mum again? You don't have to dance to her tune, remember that.

That should have read DDs needs - bloody auto correct

I'm not closed off to the idea, but DD has SN (it was in my OP) and will really struggle with so much time away from me. Plus she's 8, it's not going to be like this forever, I'm certain that by the time she's my age she'll be able to stay away overnight and spend as much time with her GPs as she wants.

If it's going well then yes I'll loosen up and let them be alone or do less and let mum take over, but I'd rather be guarded now and DD feel comfortable to let go.

Those saying there's been a pandemic and mums had barriers, she left the country in 2015, and didn't come back until now. There's been plenty of opportunity before the pandemic to come and meet her GD. I never prevented it.

I would wait and see how it goes. It might be a Good introduction to your daughter being able to spend a little bit of time away from you and be able to enjoy scout camp and school trips in the future. I wouldn't force her if she didn't want up but if she did i'd see it as a good thing (unless of course there are any reasons to think she would be unsafe)

I’d just say to your mum that you’ll play it by ear and see how the summer goes. However you know your daughter and it’s likely she won’t want to do a sleep over.

Then if she gets on we’ll and chooses she would like a sleep over you can do it and if your daughter doesn’t get comfy with her you can say actually no she doesn’t want a sleep over.

I think it’s good you are planning to prioritise your daughters needs. Sounds like your mum is very excited and keen but maybe only thinking about what she wants and not what your daughter might want.

I'm surprised people are saying you're unreasonable. Your mum sounds like she's massively overstepping the mark and her comment about having her without horrible parents around would make me stop and consider revaluating the whole trip.

It's great if your daughter wants to spend time with her but it does sort of come across that she sees your daughter as a novelty play thing and I'd be questioning whether the long stay was in any of your best interests.

Your mum sounds like a weirdo. I would probably go with "Mum, stop being a weirdo. You've never met DD, she doesn't know you from Adam, and you should focus on your own children. Who you haven't seen for 5 years."

I think you are being a little overprotective.
It'll be good for your daughter to see her grandmother and spend time with her.
The worst that will happen is she wants to go back to your room which she can easily do

OP, your mother sounds either over exited or totally overbearing.

Speaking to the teachers about your child🙄.

You know your child, she clearly doesn't at all.

Your child has SEN and you know her best.

Nod along but do what YOU think is best for your daughter and what makes her comfortable.

Do not force your child out of her comfort zone with this virtual stranger, even if she is your mother.

Hopefully she will calm down and you will have a nice visit.

There are two issues here and I have two different opinions about them.

One: Your mum isn't seeing this visit from your daughter's point of view. She is a stranger to her, albeit a stranger who's her grandmother but she needs to gently but quickly try to win her over while you're all together. She can't expect DD to be comfortable alone with someone she has never met or spent time with. So she can spend all the time she wants and build a relationship but along with the family so that your DD will still feel safeand comfortable.

Two: You need to see this visit from your mum's point of view. She is longing to see her child and grandchild and understandably wants to spend as much time as she can with her. You would be selfish to begrudge her doing this along with you. She doesn't need to speak to DDs teachers or spent time alone with her (because your DD won't feel safe and comfortable) but you should allow her the freedom to dote on her grandchild. You have the rest of the time to spend with your daughter.

Unless there's something else wrong with your mum that you haven't said, YABU and she's BU wanting your DD to spend time alone with a stranger.

Your mum isn’t being realistic and sounds clueless. She can’t expect to come and ‘play parenting’ for a couple of months after 8 years and expect your child to just be all over her. Just because she is her grandmother, they don’t have a strong bond because your daughter doesn’t know her. If your daughter doesn’t want to do things with her, your mum will just have to deal with it. Stand your ground, be prepared for your mum to sulk and strop. If she goes, it’s not your problem, she needs to grow up and be realistic about the situation.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all here OP. I would let your DD lead you on this, don’t let your mum try to bully her into being with her or staying with her.

your mum is massively overstepping here. She can’t expect to be grandmother of the year and be involved in every little aspect of your DD’s life including speaking to her bloody teachers if she’s never actually met her face to face!

I think you need to loosen up a bit and see what happens.

Presumably your DD is able to indicate yes/no to a question, so you can just ask her as each thing arises if she wants to do it or not.

Maybe they'll hit it off brilliantly. Maybe the won't. There's no need to have already decided what will and won't be happening down to who's walking her to school in 4 months time!

You and your mum both need to chill and make sure you're both actually listening to DD, not leading her one way or the other.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to be cautious but it also sounds like there might be a little bit of passive aggressiveness coming out, like you’re a bit sore at your mum for her leaving and lack of contact over the years so there’s a bit of you that wants to be a bit obtuse and surly about your mums plans with her grand daughter.

Well that was a drip feed!

his could anyone have made a decision when they didn’t know the relevant information?