To ask my mum to not rush things and not have DD alone as she doesn't know her?

[KeepHerToMyself]

I have a DD aged 8.

My mum moved abroad when I was pregnant with her, and has never come back to the UK and I’ve never visited, thus they have never met on anything other than a screen. I also haven’t seen my mum on anything other than a screen in all that time.

My mum is finally coming back to the UK over the school summer holidays.

We’re planning a short holiday during the holidays within the UK and mums joining us for some of the days. Fine by me she’s paid for herself.

She keeps saying she can’t wait to have a “sleepover” with DD in her hotel room and to keep her up watching movies and eating icecream. I’ve said no, she’s welcome to join in activities in the day but I am not comfortable leaving DD with my mum as to my DD mum is basically a stranger. My DD hardly knows her, due to SN and facial blindness related to that she wouldn’t even recognise a photo of my mum as she struggles to know people out of context, thus she might not feel happy being left with her.

I’ve said I’m happy to step back during activities towards the end of my mums time here and let mum take over, but because once she goes back on the plane to go to her home I’ll be alone again I don’t think it’s fair for her to take over any care.

My dad lives locally and helps out sometimes and has offered to have DD so me and my mum and/or siblings can go out together childfree (I’m the only one with a DC) but mum keeps saying DD needs to be included in everything including meals.

I am a solo parent, so DD is used to me doing 100%. Mum will be here for 8 weeks and goes home 2 weeks after DD goes back to school and mums on about doing school runs and chatting to her teachers about her and basically “being her other parent” while she’s here. Mum keeps saying she’s have DD on her own without any “horrible parents around” and how she used to leave me with my grandparents and I loved it – yes my grandparents who lived 10 minutes’ walk from my house and I saw at least 3 times a week for years!

I feel selfish for saying I want to enjoy DD together, I have very limited holidays and I want to spend those with DD. I love being her mum, she’s a delight. I don’t mind sharing her but I don’t see why I should give her up overnight to a basic stranger when I wouldn’t even let my parent and siblings who are local have her overnight.

We haven’t needed another parent in the 5 years I’ve been solo, so why would I now? Plus mum doesn't know my DD, she claims to know her, but how much can you really talk on a 15 minute video call a few times a month when I'm there and also wanting to catch up with my mum?

AIBU? And if so how do I get over?

@KeepHerToMyself I agree with you. You don’t need to ask her, just tell her no, dd isn’t going to have a sleepover with you, because she won’t enjoy it and I am not comfortable with it. End of story.

I don’t understand people who are desperate to get other people’s kids alone. I have nieces and nephews I adore but I don’t go badgering my sister to hand them over to me!

My son has special needs too and absolutely wouldn’t cope with this. And leaving him to see what he wants to do doesn’t work because he doesn’t know what will trigger a meltdown, how to verbalise what he needs in that moment and it needs someone who really knows him to manage him- even if he thinks something will be fun!

I agree with @JudyGemstone. You sound like you are pissed off with your Mum and want to punish her. Not saying you aren't right to be pissed with her but do recognise this for what it is. You feel she abandoned you and you resent her feeling like she can waltz in and have an amazing relationship with you.

That should say 'an amazing relationship with your dd'

I’m surprised by some of the responses. If someone whom my child had never once met in the flesh was talking about having a sleepover with them, talking to their teachers about them, being their other parent and having them ‘without any horrible parents around’ I’d think they were massively overstepping and I’d tell them so. I don’t think you’re being precious at all.

Oh cut the crap, really she’s overstepping for wanting to spend time with her grandchild? Wtf????

She's eight, even with special needs, she needs to start having some degree of independence from you. I agree with a PP that this seems more about your needs not your DD's. She knows her grandma from video calls. So she's not a total stranger. And not much will go wrong in a hotel room.

Did you read the OP? She’s talking about having keeping her up late, having sleepovers with her, ‘being her other parent’, talking to her teachers about her and having her ‘without any horrible parents around’.

And the DD has SN and has never met her grandmother in person in eight years.

YANBU!

Your mum needs to drop the intensity and enjoy spending time with her with you. She can hope that after a while DD will be comfortable enough to spend time just the two of them, but she needs to manage her expectations. If she’s pushy from the start she’s likely to unnerve your DD, - the opposite of what she wants.

Can you explain this to her and reassure her you’d love DD to be happy to spend time alone with her, but that she needs to slow down and play it by ear once she gets here.

Is your mum generally a bit solipsistic? I assume it was her choice to move away and not prioritise travelling back in 8 years, which is fine, but there’s no recognition here that she might have to build a relationship with your daughter. It’s a bit tone deaf to be banging on about being a second parent when neither you nor your daughter had any real support from her in 8 years and she hasn’t met her!

I moved abroad from my adult children but travel to see them regularly. I still wouldn’t talk about being a second, third or fourth parent to any children of theirs in any scenario. It’s an odd thing to say. These thing should be child led, not adult need or wants led.

If it's going well then yes I'll loosen up and let them be alone or do less and let mum take over, but I'd rather be guarded now and DD feel comfortable to let go.

This sounds like perfect parenting to me, OP. You're doing great.

Your mum will have to accept she choose to stay away for so long (pandemic aside) and you can’t pull a close relationship out of limited FaceTime chats.

YANBU.

My DD hardly knows her, due to SN and facial blindness related to that she wouldn’t even recognise a photo of my mum

Based on this statement I feel it best to follow your daughters lead as to how much time she feels she wants to spend with your mum.

I probably wouldn’t talk about it. Your mum can fantasise, but the reality will be when she meets your dd. I think you can even be fine with sleepovers, but only if your dd agrees. Life will play itself out. Either your dd won’t want to go and it won’t happen, she’ll want to go but get scared and want to come home, or she’ll go and have a good time. There’s no loser there. It might end up being a great way for your dd to gain a bit of confidence and be more ready to access other activities like scouts, or you’ll be proved absolutely right and your mum will respect your parenting more.

if you just fight her on it, it’ll cause tension - and if you ban it, then your mum can play the aggrieved party. Your mum will find out for herself when she gets to the U.K.

@Cantstandbullshitanymore wanting to spend time with your grandchild is normal. Announcing you want them alone overnight & wanting to get them away from their ‘horrible parents’ is absolutely not normal. If this was a dad/uncle/grandad/stepdad people would have very different reactions.

Another grandparent wanting overnight "alone time" with grandchildren they hardly know, what is it with these people?

Yanbu at all. Your mother is being ridiculous with this idea of "being her other parent" for 8 weeks then leaving the country again. It's sad that she's managed to make you feel guilty.

She doesn't get to tell you what your daughter does. Just tell her what will and won't be happening and ignore her demands.

I think you both just need to step back and go with the flow a bit. See how your daughter is responding and then take it from there.

your both working at opposite extremes when in reality the actual will be somewhere in the middle.

As I have said I'm happy to take DDs lead.

We're going away for a week and I've booked like pottery making and similar things once we're back.

Start slow and build up at DDs pace.

So to start with it's us 3 together, then I leave for 10 minutes to go to the toilet or go into a shop or DDs in the queue for Icecream with my mum but me nearby etc.

Then it's further away, mum takes her to the park down the road for a few minutes etc until I can trust that DD will be ok with her.

I'm not against them having a relationship at all, and I know it'll be a good foundation. I'm also not against when DDs ready and older her going to stay with my mum for a few weeks without me, but my mum wants to rush it and expects to just walk in and my DD adore her and want to do all these grandparent things with her.

My dad babysits for a couple of hours a few times a year but my DD much prefers it when she gets to walk the dog with him or when my brother turns up a few hours into a daytrip and brings a picnic.

If she wanted to go overnight absolutely I'd let her but I don't think in just 8 weeks she'll want to, and thats fine to!

You don't need to ask. Your dd is your responsibility and so you will TELL your mum that you'll play it by ear, see how relaxed DD is with her, but you won't make any promises.

That's the best any good parent can do.

I think you’re right to manage your Mum’s expectations but are you sure that some of your reaction here isn’t due to resentment of her living away in the first place?

i’d continue to manage expectations but certainly not say a flat no at this stage. See how things go. It’d be nice for them to develop a proper relationship, surely.

@Babsexxx the pandemic hasn't been for the last 8 years, she could have met her grandchild in the first 4 or 5 years of her life.

OP your DD is not a toy, you know her. I'd see how it goes, be cautiously optimistic but ultimately your DD comes first.

Your mum quite frankly needs to get real, what school teachers in the first fortnight of term have time to be indulging grandparents.

mums on about doing school runs and chatting to her teachers about her and basically “being her other parent” while she’s here. Mum keeps saying she’s have DD on her own without any “horrible parents around”

If those are your Mum's actual words to you, then she is bang out of order and you need to set her straight. She is NOT another parent to your DD, she is a stranger. How dare she assume she can just waltz in and take over.

Be prepared - have your boundaries in place, have some phrases and sentences ready to use, and be ready to fall out with your mum if she won't see sense and calm down.

I think you need to gently point out to your mum that her situation, being overseas for the whole of DD’s life until now, and DD’s SN means she isn’t going to be able to waltz in and instantly be a storybook grandmother. That DD needs to get to know her, and also she needs to get to know DD. That she already has all these ideas about how it’s going to be, but DD is unique and unlikely to respond the way she’s assuming. So if she wants the trip to be a success she needs to let go of all these ideas she’s built up in her head so she can enjoy getting to know the girl DD actually is.

Your mother sound delusional. Swans off for 8 years, never made an effort to meet her grandchild in all that time knowing you are a single mother and then turns up expecting the red carpet.
She might biologically be a grandmother but in reality she's a complete stranger she sees on a screen every do often. Your DD has probably seen Ant & Dec on a screen more than she's seen your mother.
If I was in your shoes as her daughter I'd be pissed with her for never making an effort to visit in all that. Is she expecting to make this big connection and then disappear back into the screen for another 8 years.

Your daughter is 8, not 2.
Wouldn't she be able to decide this for herself?

It sounds like there’s a few issues going on:

1. Your mum has some fantasy idea of what her relationship with your DD is going to be like, and isn’t taking into account her SN. Has she been quite dismissive of her diagnosis by any chance?
2. Your mum is stepping on your toes such as wanting to do the school run, chatting to teachers and demanding that DD come to restaurants even though you’d have a better time if she didn’t.
3. You have some pent up resentment around your mum moving abroad when you were pregnant and not seeing hide nor hair of her in eight years.

All very understandable, if that’s the case.

The first third of your post I thought ‘hmm, maybe keep an open mind and see how it goes’.

The second third I thought, maybe not, your mum sounds unrealistic and intense.

The last third - actually, maybe a little bit of broadening of horizons might be a good idea.

So yeah, maybe do the third wheel thing and see how it goes.