To think I've messed up my DS.

[BonnieBarbs]

DS was approx 6 months when covid started. In lockdown we just spent months together in a tiny flat with no outside space. We watched far too much telly. Nothing to do obviously.

Then I had to go back to work and nursery has just reopened when he was 1. But they didn't allow any visits or settling in or for mums to come into the room at all. So I dropped him off on his first day at the front door, he ran in, and then apparently turned round and realised I was no longer there and just cried for 8 hours. They told me it was all normal and I kept taking him there. Honestly I think he basically cried constantly. They used to reassure me but he always had red eyes at pick up and used to jump in my arms.

Now he's nearly 4. He's at a different nursery which he loves. But he is still so attached to me. Wants me to come into his bed all night. Wants to be carried by me. When I leave the room he follows. He often says "mummy don't leave me" or "I lost my mummy" if I go for a wee or make a cup of tea. He also has awful focus, can't sit still for even a short book, v sensitive. His language is behind. Nursery want me to talk to my GP.

My friends and family think I'm mad to talk about this period years ago. But the guilt eats me up. We spent months in lockdown just us in a tiny flat. And then I dropped him at this huge nursery one day and walked away. Also i feel so bad at all the TV we watched for months in lockdown.

He is happy but he's struggling. I cry thinking I fucked him up in the first 18 months!

You did what you had to do at the time.
But school is fast approaching, have you spoken to them about this ?

I dont think what's going on now is anything to do with the 6 month period you talk about, and there's no way he will remember being dropped off at age 1 and you not being there. Speak to your GP, there may be other things going on.

My DS is nearly 4. He was about 9 months old when lock-down started. We did have a garden and went for walks but yes, definitely watched too much TV.
He started nursery when he was two, by that point he wasn't speaking still and I'd raised concerns. He had reduced hours as would get upset after so long, he's only just stopped having a tantrum at drop off. I can't go to the toul without him calling for me.
He now has an asd diagnosis. This didn't come from too much TV, he was born this way. Yes, things may have been different without lock down. We could have tried play groups etc but we'll never know will we? We done our best in a situation that we never imagined would happen. So don't pull yourself down, make the appointment with the GP. Speak with nursery and ask if there are any other concerns. You'll be doing a great job, I'm sure.

Op it’s got nothing to do with that. My dd was born in lockdown, it’s all she knew for months. She started nursery the next year and similar to you I had to just drop and leave. She is absolutely fine, does not remember that time and no concerns. It wasn’t you or the lockdown, speak to your gp as advised.

While I do not for a moment think that the OP is to ‘blame’ in any way, it is also misguided and wrong to say that because a child won’t remember something that it won’t affect them, for good or ill.

@BonnieBarbs some children are just clingy, it is unlikely to be anything you did. If he’s been at nursery since one he should have been experiencing a range of activities there and songs, books and toys. So even if he’d been in a dark room unstimulated the rest of the time (I’m not saying you did, but if you had!) he would still have had some hopefully adequate care.

I do think it is possible lockdown contributed to some delays, and I don’t think they are permanent but I also think it’s something to bear in mind when trying to bridge the gap a bit

Be gentle to yourself, OP
Some children had an appalling time of it during lockdown, but you sound like a lovely mum.

Was he loved and cared for during those months? It sounds like it. What's important is that he felt loved. Everything else will catch up. You had no control over what happened and you did the best you could. I work in early years and Primary schools and I can tell you that you are not alone. That generation paid a high price for lockdowns. He'll get there with the school's and your support and it sounds like you're a loving, caring mum.

@Timetogetaproperkitchentable everyone is entitled to their own opinions. I dont know anyone in my entire life that would have a memory from being 12 months old. But ok.

Two out of three of our children were really clingy at 4. It's not unusual.

It's good he enjoys his nursery now.

None of us are perfect parents, mum guilt is a real thing and it's awful.

Not logical though, you sound like a great mum doing her best.

Be kind to yourself, it will be better for your son in the long run.

Normal for 4 year olds to be clingy, mine wasn't a lockdown baby but would scream if I even dared to leave the room.
Still a bit clingy now and he's seven! (Mainly because I'm the one who does his main care for his disability but still.)
You haven't done anything wrong stop blaming yourself.

DD1 was 3 months when lockdown started, and similar to your son she went to nursery with no settling in.

It was shit, but it’s the same for their whole cohort. There was nothing you could do about it, and unless you can see the same traits in all of them (which I don’t think is the case), you can’t suggest that their early experiences had any real impact.

You get a full range of children at that age from the ones who would run in happily and go off with anyone to the clingy ones. It doesn't have to be something you've done, or not done.

My #3 was the clingy one. Even at school age he hated to be away from me and would have nightmares about me not being there etc. He wanted to be carried, and came into our bed most nights. Never wanted to go to anything, even if he loved it, if it was away from me.
#1 was always happy to go with someone she knew and #2 who was the clingiest baby ever, by 4yo used to say to me "don't worry, drop me here and I'll walk in myself" (I didn't, I'll add, but she was quite happy to)
#3 is now 15yo and not clingy any more.

Please don’t take this as a personal post towards you, but it isn’t an opinion.

You are right that children don’t have memories before a certain time.

However, think about it. If a child was hit, hurt, shouted at, for the first two years and then adopted by a loving family, would those two years have no impact?

I am obviously not saying the OP has done this! Lockdown was really hard, and for most people it was about survival. But opportunities for acquisition of language were lost, and when speech is delayed it can impact all sorts of other things, too.

Not all children have been impacted and not all in the same way, and it's not irreversible, but there has been a noticeable difference reported by professionals in the last three years or so.

I work in a secondary school, OP. I was chatting with our Deputy Head the other day, and she said that in 32 years of teaching, she has never known first and second years with such high levels of need. So you're definitely not alone!

@Timetogetaproperkitchentable what makes you think a child spending lots of time with their main carer would give them less opportunities to acquire language? On the contrary, a busy schedule where a child spends a lot of time in the pushchair or playing on the floor whilst their parent chats to other adults or checks their phone can offer very little verbal interaction at all.l

No one can remember being 12 months old, it doesn’t mean that what happens to children in their first year doesn’t affect their development- physical, emotional, behavioural, etc. Of course it does! These impacts can be lifelong-
eg a child who was abused for the first 12 months of life will be severely affected even if they have no memory of the abuse

Obviously this is not the OPs situation!! OP be kind to yourself - you sound like a wonderful mum. I had a lockdown baby too. She’s also super clingy and sensitive. I’m not sure that’s connected though. They are all so little still. Take the pressure off and enjoy your little one for who he is right now: there is so much change and development to come ❤️. And try not to blame yourself for the past, that was such a crazy time and outside of anyone’s control. You did what you had to do to survive.

It depends on the circumstances @DisquietintheRanks

I am not trying to give the OP a hard time here, and so I want to stress I’m talking generally here, not about her specifically.

But in general, there are so many factors that come into play when it comes to speech acquisition. This includes (but isn’t limited to) watching lips move, observing facial expressions, observe reciprocal speech in action, be involved in and gain confidence in using speech with accompanying gestures (so babies will be taught to wave bye bye before they can say bye bye, clap as an expression of praise/enjoyment before they can say ‘wow, that was brilliant’ and so on.)

I’ll bore you all to death if I go on but while some children may have spent their infancy in lockdown being read to and sang to by one carer, not many were, not least because in one room the language peters out quite quickly - if you think about words that you might not come across unless you are somewhere where they can work out the context. I mean yes, if you dedicate the whole of lockdown to singing and talking to one baby fine but that’s not what the OP describes and in a more general sense a lot of people were trying to work and/or homeschool older children too.

It is no one’s fault. It doesn’t mean he will never catch up. But I also think it is pointless claiming lockdown won’t have had any impact at all on any children because while they may not have been anywhere or seen anyone their main carer spent months singing Baa Baa Black Sheep to them. I know very few people who did, I include myself in that category too!

I literally just said no one can remember being 12 months old. People throwing in comparisons of someone being abused is ridiculous. I said the child won't remember being dropped off at 12 months old and his Mum walking away. 1 single day of his life at 12 months old. Why are people comparing that to abuse for 1 to 2 years?? FFS.

Don't worry about the past. You can do things now that will improve his skills for managing emotions and being resilient in future.

Things to try include - pretend play. Either with small world people or by dressing up. Do everyday stories- pretending to cook a meal or get on the bus or go to nursery. Not dragons and pirates. But everyday pretend is a really useful way for kids to get a longer attention span (because they get engaged in the game) and the learn social skills.

Do read books. Find short ones. There are lots about a lost teddy etc that teach the idea of separation and reunion. Reading lots will help language skills too.

@MarIey for me it is because you immediately seemed to think that because he won’t remember it, it won’t have an impact.

Most severe fears and phobias come about from the subconscious, so for example, someone who is terrified of dogs probably had a bad experience when they were a baby or young toddler. This often involves being strapped in a pushchair when a dog jumps up, the subconscious remembers huge dog (even if it wasn’t it was to a baby) and helpless child and remembers that even when they are a grown man/woman and the dog is tiny.

I am not saying the OPs little boy’s subconscious ‘remembers’ being left and that is contributing to his being clingy. It could well just be him. But I also wouldn’t say at this stage that it isn’t, what is clear is that ‘he/she won’t remember it’ doesn’t mean ‘it won’t impact him/her.’

Turning that on its head though, your baby might not remember being picked up and soothed and loved but his subconscious will say ‘I am cared for and I matter.’ Your toddler won’t remember feeding the ducks but his subconscious will remember being interacted with and shown the world. Mostly it will be positive, I’m sure it is for you too @BonnieBarbs

Op you haven't done anything wrong. It is entirely possible that this quite abrupt separation when he started nursery has contributed to his clingyness but lots of children are like this. You did nothing wrong and he will come through it but it might take a bit longer. My only advice for a clingy child is shower them in your love all the time so they know that you are always there for them. Tell him you missed him when you were at work, tell him you were excited to come home and play cars with him, tell him you can't wait till he's at school and you can come in and do reading with the class or come on school trips or go to the park for an ice cream after school.

I think you are right, that was probably traumatic for him. You can't change the past but you can try to address it head on now. I would allow him to be as 'clingy' as he needs, let him sleep beside you etc. Talk to him about his feelings. Reassure him mummy always comes back. Read owl babies etc. Don't beat yourself up but do what you can to address it and help him feel secure. Apologise if you haven't already

He was a covid baby then, but isn't now so stop referring back to that. You didn't have to sit in front of the tv with him all day but you can't change that now.

Correct him, no you havent lost Mommy, I've gone to the toilet/made a drink. Carrying on doing what you need to whilst telling him what's happening.

With regards to his language, why are nursery telling you to see a GP? They should be observing him and then getting you in to meet with SENCO to put plans into place and targets to help his speech. Again this will require work on your part and won't be a quick fix but you really need to do it.

How long was he at his first nursery for? 5 full days? The nursery you used is the first one I've heard of that didnt allow a parent in to settle during covid and I'm surprised you happily handed him over and walked away without seeing inside or letting him explore while you were there. All nurseries in my LA allowed 1 parent settles for 2 1 hour sessions, even during the lockdown when they were open for key workers. Again, you can't do nothing about that now.

How is he at nursery now? You say he loves it so I'm guessing he isnt crying all day because you're not there?

You also need a meeting with the nursery on where he is development wise, what he needs to do to meet his milestones if he isnt and what they will be telling the school when he goes. You also need to step up and do things with him at home that the nursery recommend to help him hit the milestones.

Just because he doesn't remember it, doesn't mean it didn't affect him. This isn't the only child in this age group like this because of everything that happened.

However, this doesn't mean that you did anything wrong or caused it. It was the situation at the time and you did your best.

I would not worry so much about the language of being at home 24/7 with one main carer- not all children in the world attend nursery (I didn't, for starters!) and as long as they have a main care giver then that's what's important. Starting nursery with a clingy child is always hard work, both mine were relatively clingy and I used to have to peel them off me and onto someone else. I don't think parents doing a small amount of settling helps enormously when they are very young as they don't have a concept of time.

I do think though that having been there all the time, then it's not surprising he's still quite clingy. My cat was clingy (and still is a bit) after lockdown! We get used to a state of affairs and don't want it to change.

I would go with immense amounts of cuddles, consistency and don't try to make him not clingy at this stage, it's not the right time for it. There may be other learning difficulties under there which are not necessarily to do with lockdown but would have showed through anyway and I would take the advice of the nursery staff to get attention for those.