To think I've messed up my DS.

[BonnieBarbs]

DS was approx 6 months when covid started. In lockdown we just spent months together in a tiny flat with no outside space. We watched far too much telly. Nothing to do obviously.

Then I had to go back to work and nursery has just reopened when he was 1. But they didn't allow any visits or settling in or for mums to come into the room at all. So I dropped him off on his first day at the front door, he ran in, and then apparently turned round and realised I was no longer there and just cried for 8 hours. They told me it was all normal and I kept taking him there. Honestly I think he basically cried constantly. They used to reassure me but he always had red eyes at pick up and used to jump in my arms.

Now he's nearly 4. He's at a different nursery which he loves. But he is still so attached to me. Wants me to come into his bed all night. Wants to be carried by me. When I leave the room he follows. He often says "mummy don't leave me" or "I lost my mummy" if I go for a wee or make a cup of tea. He also has awful focus, can't sit still for even a short book, v sensitive. His language is behind. Nursery want me to talk to my GP.

My friends and family think I'm mad to talk about this period years ago. But the guilt eats me up. We spent months in lockdown just us in a tiny flat. And then I dropped him at this huge nursery one day and walked away. Also i feel so bad at all the TV we watched for months in lockdown.

He is happy but he's struggling. I cry thinking I fucked him up in the first 18 months!

Its not about having a memory though. Its about the first 12 months being the most formative in terms of emotional development. If you neglect a babies emotional needs, they will struggle later in life and into adulthood.

If babies cry and no one picks them up and this happens continuously, they dont continue to cry, they stop because no one comes and they learn this. This is why the babies in the Romanian orphanages never cried because they learnt that no one would come. This is why they were expressionless, because they never had enough human contact to learn facial expressions.

If a baby cries and gets picked up, they can be calmed down and will be ok because they know their cry means someone will come and meet their needs so this is how they communicate. Sometimes they might get louder and more upset if you cant get their immediately but this doesnt mean they are spoilt, it means they are continuing to call you in the only way they know how because they know you will come.

As children get older, they begin to use words to communicate and again, look to adults around them to provide this language which is why its crucial to narrate everything where possible and expose them to languages through play, talking and reading to them.

Using books and role play to help address emotions, feelings and behaviours is also important.

Again, not relevant to the OP, but thos is why behaviours are on the change because technology means parents.are using this instead of themselves with their children. To keep them.occupied if eating out, you even see children on tablets and phones when in their pushchairs.

Children are becoming reliant on tech to the point they need constant stimulation and don't know how to regulate their emotions and to be bored or to not have something instantly and to have to wait.

Sorry im not even reading this reply because all I said was he won't remember that 1 day at 12 months old.....thats ALL I SAID. I wasn't talking about anything else, I said he won't remember THAT DAY. Therefore anyone commenting abuse, neglect, whatever else...its completely irrelevant to my comment. My comment was about 60 seconds of his life, nothing else.

My DD was very clingy and hated being away from me and this was years before covid ever happened.

I do think some children are more clingy than others but with mine it was just me and her and so I wonder if this made her more clingy.

I really like this post. @BonnieBarbs Do not beat yourself up or fall into despair.

We are all born with a certain amount of resilience (the ability to bounce back). Some of us just need a little extra love and support to bounce back after trauma or anything upsetting.

Some kids are clingy at that age even if they haven’t been through trauma or major upheavals.

Some children regress a bit with major life changes such as a new baby and sibling or moving house. And eventually with the right kind of support from loving family and friends they bounce back and are ok.

As a mum, I get it. You just want to protect your child from any pain or hurt in this world. We do have to accept that it isn’t always possible. We have just got to do the best that we can do in any given circumstance.

We weren’t comparing it to abuse! we were saying that experiences can have an impact; whether you remember them or not.

One of mine was super clingy for years, we bed-shared etc and lent in to all of it. and yet now at 8 yo, he’s super confident and chatty etc. lean in for now and indulge all his needs and when he’s ready he’ll go off with confidence.

Thanks all

Yes, of course just because he doesn't remember it doesn't mean it won't have an impact. And it wasn't just one day. I took him to that nursery for several weeks before taking him out and then he went back to the flat and I just worked e.g. ignored him while doing my work. They wouldn't let me see the room, they never told me what he'd been doing, the crying was getting worse at drop off not better. Agree about language @Timetogetaproperkitchentable

But it is done and dusted I guess.

Got meeting with senco about his primary school start in Sep.

I do give him lots of reassurance. But I'll just lean into it some more. I worry about co sleeping with him because maybe I should be firmer but to be honest I like having him in my bed so maybe I shouldn't overthink it
.

Oh sweetheart. You have not irreparably broken your child. Clinginess and lack of focus in a 4yo? If that's broken, they're all broken.