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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel our family holiday

35 replies

CancelHoliday · 27/05/2023 18:55

I am tired and in pain everyday and have to use a wheelchair at all times outside the house. My husband has recently been diagnosed with a permanent disability too.

I have returned back to full time work after being at home with the kids for a number of years. Due to the COL costs and our health needs. My return to work has meant no improvements to our financial situation (though I shudder at where we would now be without my job)

I have been saving for months with the hope of taking our family on a four night UK holiday to a cheap (I really hope it isn't a scam) converted caravan I found on Facebook. It is a bit small for our family and I will be sleeping on the sofa but as I rarely sleep past 4am, I don't mind that.

I have booked and paid a deposit but I really think I should cancel it now.

As it is a waste of money for something we haven't had for the last 3/4 years anyway. Though I am sad that the youngest kid can not ever remember having been on holiday with us.

Because older kid wants to stay home and not come at 17yo and younger kid only wants to go swimming. Something I can't do with them. So I would be watching from the side and smiling hard (as I use to love swimming)

We'll be watching our money on holiday and will have to do cheap/free things there, but we are use to that.

I am also worried as I can only take my folding travel wheelchair which is painful and comfortable at the best of times and I really can't stand the thought of it for four days.

My oldest was joyfully explaining to DH how they really didn't think our family was bonded at all, as an aside to discussing other things. Which has really upset me, I tried my best and clearly failed. 100% my fault, the pain, lack of sleep on top of a full time job has really reduced my capacity to be a good parent. But it still hurt to hear it.

I am now dreading this holiday, what is the point of struggling to do this. I really enjoyed our holidays in the past, but I guess this is something else, I should understand won't work well with my wheelchair.

I need to speak to my DH. Maybe he would find it easier to go with the kids without me. I only make things harder, there are so many places I can't go/get into.

Or maybe I need to woman up, grit my teeth and get on with things. After all, I will be tired and in pain wherever I am. That was the plan all along, I just have got disheartened at going though this for an experiences the kids don't want anyway.

Please think before you post, I am a real person and I feel so low at the moment.

OP posts:
CornedBeef451 · 27/05/2023 19:17

I'm sorry I don't have any advice but I really feel for you, that sounds really hard.

Please try not to take your eldest too seriously, teenagers are notoriously unfeeling, I am sure they didn't really mean that and they will feel bad about it in the future, you jutmight have to wait until they are in their 20's and develop empathy!

Bigpaintinglittlepainting · 27/05/2023 19:25

This is so tough for you, I also second the poster who says that teenagers often say insensitive things. They often regret saying them later !

LeavesOnTrees · 27/05/2023 19:28

I really feel for you, that sounds really hard.

How far away is the holiday ? Maybe reducing the number of nights might help.
Sometimes getting away, even if just a change of scene can be good. But if you really can't manage it I wouldn't worry about your youngest not remembering a holiday. They have a loving, stable home, that's more important.

T1Dmama · 27/05/2023 19:35

Don’t send them without you, you’re part of this and should build memories with them… either go and try to build memories or cancel the holiday and have days out instead, doing things you can get involved in..

Nevermind31 · 27/05/2023 19:38

Many 17 year old font want to go on holiday with their family…

PinkPlantCase · 27/05/2023 19:41

I think you’ll enjoy it when you’re there and it really does sound like you need a break and some family time.

Is there no way you can take your normal wheelchair with you?

Topee · 27/05/2023 19:44

I wasn’t going away with my family by the time I was 17 so I wouldn’t read anything into that.

Why don’t you go for 2/3 nights, nothing to stop you leaving earlier than planned if it’s uncomfortable for you.

JhsLs · 27/05/2023 19:46

I’d leave the 17 year old at home, allowing you to sleep more comfortably as a 4. I only ever wanted to be with my friends at that age. Having one less person in the car could mean additional space for your better wheelchair? I’d also let your kids swim as much as they like. The joy on their faces will be worth it, even if you can’t join in.

Willowkins · 27/05/2023 19:51

I agree with PP. Staying home alone is a rite of passage for most teenagers (mine couldn't wait for us to leave). Look at it this way. Does that mean you get to sleep on a bed? Will that free up room for your good wheelchair? You started by saying you hoped it wasn't a scam. It's almost as if you're expecting something to go wrong. I understand how that feels. But maybe you'll have fun. And make some great new memories for your family.

Sprinkles211 · 27/05/2023 19:52

What about cancelling and planning days out that you can all participate in together? Spread them out so you have time to recover, get the kids involved in planning an activity, costing it up etc. Many places allow a carer free per disabled person. Plan nice food picnic style or a lunch out all into your budget. You can't beat a bag of chips on a decent beachfront. Look for discounts and vouchers online. Most importantly don't beat yourself up or feel pressured to spend money on something that no one will benefit from your memories are more precious xx

Plankingplanks · 27/05/2023 19:58

Honestly, I've felt like this so many times. The kids seem not to appreciate it, and it feels more hassle than its worth. It's always been amazing....bur I'd totally leave the 17 year old behind. My eldest stayed home from 16, best option imo

Original poster
CancelHoliday · 27/05/2023 20:20

Thank you for your kind responses.

I can't take my proper chair without a WAV and that it too far out of our price range. As we are handing back our Mobility car next year and my husbands work car this summer, we are just grateful to have any transport this year. Next year, we will have none! Despite both of us working full time! Luckily we both work from home.

Stupidly I booked a place at the other end of the country to where we live, a five/six hour drive minimum and the additional fuel costs!

I found the holiday on a wheelchair Facebook group. Several members claimed to know the people concerned and it seems legit from my trawl of the internet but you never know and I am anxious at the best of times.

I will think about things for a few days and maybe once my current flare up is over, I will feel differently about things.

OP posts:
Fedupwithitx · 27/05/2023 20:35

I am nearly 30 now and I often shudder about the horrible things I said to my lovely mother as a teenager, they were never true. I really don't think you should let a comment like that stick in your mind as DC almost certainly didn't mean it and as others have said, they will probably develop more empathy as they get older. You don't sound like you have failed anything as you put it, you sound truly lovely and a caring parent. It also sounds like you have faced more struggle than most. Your children will look back on a trip like you've described and cherish the memories. I think you should go, best of luck in whatever you decide, and you sound amazing ❤️

T1Dmama · 28/05/2023 00:37

Could you ask on a wheelchair group on Facebook about places to hire a more comfortable chair from local to where you’re staying?

NewNovember · 28/05/2023 01:06

Why are you handing your car back I would think very carefully about your quality of life as a wheelchair user with no transport. Also do you know motability offer grants to cover the full cost of a WAV.

TeaAndTattoos · 28/05/2023 01:17

@CancelHoliday let me have a heart to heart with you for a minute here OP. As the child of 2 disabled parents who grew up not being able to do the same thing as other kids because we couldn’t afford or my parents just weren’t fit enough to do I can honestly say hand on heart what I loved the most and what I have the most memories of are the UK holidays we would go on to Butlins or my Aunty and uncles Caravan in Wales I had an absolute ball because my mum chose places where my sister and I could just take ourselves off swimming or to the fair and she could rest as much as she needed to. Please don’t feel bad about the holiday it’s the lifetime memories that your kids will have. Also don’t take what your 17 year old said to heart they are a teenager they are all the same.

TeaAndTattoos · 28/05/2023 01:23

NewNovember · 28/05/2023 01:06

Why are you handing your car back I would think very carefully about your quality of life as a wheelchair user with no transport. Also do you know motability offer grants to cover the full cost of a WAV.

Because you only get a motability car for 3 years you do have the option of keeping it for an extra 2 years if you haven’t done all the miles your allowed or you can buy the car or you can hand the car back and use your mobility money to get another one so long as you have the money for the deposit.

JMSA · 28/05/2023 02:43

I have two teens and they can be complete arseholes, much as I love them!
OP, is it worth joining a FB group local to where you're going on holiday, and ask to borrow a wheelchair while you're there? Or contact a local charity. People in my city would fall over themselves to help.
I wouldn't cancel the holiday unless absolutely necessary, and hope you manage to make it work and have a nice time Flowers

Original poster
CancelHoliday · 28/05/2023 13:35

As PP explained, my mobility car lease is coming up to it's 3 year limit and we do not have any money to put down on another one. This one cost us £4k upfront and my mobility PIP monthly.
I didn't know we could extend the lease, I will look into that (thanks for that advice)

We asked if we could apply for a WAV grant and we were told that as we both worked we wouldn't get one, as a charity they have to ensure the money is best spent!

Upset that whilst both DH & I do volunteer work, have full time jobs, have a primary aged child, we are not worth helping.

Believe me I am worried about what we do in the future. Especially if my DH ended up in a chair too. We couldn't even get on the same bus together with the kids. Trains are very limited with wheelchair spaces too. But that is not something to worry about today.

Re hiring a chair at the holiday location. We will be traveling to free parks, country parks etc and anything bigger than my folding electric travel chair, will not fit in our car. So hiring a chair wouldn't actually help, as we couldn't take it anyway or pick it up to start with!

I have spoken to DH and we are thinking about letting our oldest stay home if they still want too. Still nervous about it but they are sensible and can feed our cat! Which will save on pet feeder services. That would save us £80!

OP posts:
Babyroobs · 28/05/2023 13:38

It must be hard to have to work full time with such a level of disability that you need to use a wheelchair. Are you claiming any benefits you are eligible for that could enable you to cut down your hours? As others have said most 17 year olds won't want to go on a family holiday, I know mine didn't t that age.

Babyroobs · 28/05/2023 13:40

CancelHoliday · 28/05/2023 13:35

As PP explained, my mobility car lease is coming up to it's 3 year limit and we do not have any money to put down on another one. This one cost us £4k upfront and my mobility PIP monthly.
I didn't know we could extend the lease, I will look into that (thanks for that advice)

We asked if we could apply for a WAV grant and we were told that as we both worked we wouldn't get one, as a charity they have to ensure the money is best spent!

Upset that whilst both DH & I do volunteer work, have full time jobs, have a primary aged child, we are not worth helping.

Believe me I am worried about what we do in the future. Especially if my DH ended up in a chair too. We couldn't even get on the same bus together with the kids. Trains are very limited with wheelchair spaces too. But that is not something to worry about today.

Re hiring a chair at the holiday location. We will be traveling to free parks, country parks etc and anything bigger than my folding electric travel chair, will not fit in our car. So hiring a chair wouldn't actually help, as we couldn't take it anyway or pick it up to start with!

I have spoken to DH and we are thinking about letting our oldest stay home if they still want too. Still nervous about it but they are sensible and can feed our cat! Which will save on pet feeder services. That would save us £80!

I thought the whole point of a mobility car was to be able to fit a wheelchair in etc?

Original poster
CancelHoliday · 28/05/2023 13:49

Babyroobs · 28/05/2023 13:40

I thought the whole point of a mobility car was to be able to fit a wheelchair in etc?

Show quote history

It does fit the folding travel chair I had at the time I got the car. Due to number of kids and adaptions I needed this was explained to us, as what we could get. So we did.

Now I have a proper comfortable second hand powerchair (still paying on the bank loan for it) and that needs a WAV but I have been told the WAV grant isn't for working people like DH and I and I don't have £18K to pay myself.

I keep ringing around seeing if I can get a second hand WAV on Mobility but no luck so far. Everyone is having issues post Brexit getting their new vans, so not passing any back into the pool as such.

I might apply for the WAV grant and absolutely beg and see if I get anywhere!

On the bright side the council have decided after three years of permanent nerve damage that I am entitled to a basic powerchair off them. Three years! Good job I didn't wait for them to get moving, else I would of still been housebound!

OP posts:
superstar84 · 28/05/2023 13:50

Give motability a call and explain your situation

they have grants available to people who need them for the advanced payment

they were really great when I renewed mine last month and helped pick a fantastic vehicle and they paid the advanced payment in full

TammyJones · 28/05/2023 13:51

Lots if helpful advice here.
I do hope you go
I still look back on the few caravan holidays we had back when money was tight - very fondly and also the adult kids do.

Original poster
CancelHoliday · 28/05/2023 13:54

superstar84 · 28/05/2023 13:50

Give motability a call and explain your situation

they have grants available to people who need them for the advanced payment

they were really great when I renewed mine last month and helped pick a fantastic vehicle and they paid the advanced payment in full

I did ring. They said grants are not for us but I will try applying against their recommendations

OP posts: