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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to not allow exdp new dp meeting kids

47 replies

bekindtome · 27/05/2023 16:04

Exdp has a new dp and wants to introduce her to our dc's. He has them every other weekend at exmil's due to substance and alcohol problems. He still suffers from alcohol problems. I've said no and now I'm wondering if I was unreasonable. They seem to be on again off again.
I'm not sure if anything else is relevant. I just want to protect my kids.

OP posts:
Superfrog3 · 27/05/2023 16:09

I wouldn't until their relationship is stable, I'm a big believer in not rushing in and introducing new partners. It adds to many complications and new dynamics for the kids, so unless this person is going to be around along time and add value to the kids life, what's the point.

Sounds like he needs to perhaps focus on himself and forming a strong relationship with his kids

candlesflamesandbrooms · 27/05/2023 16:10

Look baring issues re abuse, kids have a right to see their dad (in a safe setting)

Assuming the courts aren't involved but i imagine they would take a dim view on a mum stopping dad seeing the kids based on him having a new partner.

I don't know what the courts would say based on drink/drug use but I hope this would be factored i . But if your stopping contact based on the fact he has a new partner isn't right ...

Sirzy · 27/05/2023 16:11

You’re not wrong to not be happy about it but realistically you can’t stop it.

Beezknees · 27/05/2023 16:11

YANBU to worry but you can't stop him in reality if he decides to do it.

Original poster
bekindtome · 27/05/2023 16:12

I think you've misunderstood I'm not stopping dad from seeing them. I want him to see them more. Just not introducing a new partner to them

OP posts:
Cantthinkofaname2203 · 27/05/2023 16:12

it’s not your choice or place to “allow” it.

either you trust him to safeguard your kids, or you don’t. There’s no picking and choosing.

if you think he is allowing contact with inappropriate people then you stop contact and go through the proper channels.

or you allow him to see the kids, and what he does and who he sees in that time is his choice.

would you allow him to dictate who you introduce to the kids?

excelledyourself · 27/05/2023 16:12

Did he ask for your approval? That was good of him of he did and chooses to respect your wishes.

But if he decided to introduce her anyway, there's not much you can do about it.

MayBeeJuneSoon · 27/05/2023 16:14

It's up to him what he does when he has them

He could say same about you otherwise

NewNameNigel · 27/05/2023 16:14

Why do you think that you get to make the final decision on this?

Backtothegym · 27/05/2023 16:15

I’m also confused, why do you feel the decision is yours and you have the authority to disallow it?

candlesflamesandbrooms · 27/05/2023 16:17

bekindtome · 27/05/2023 16:12

I think you've misunderstood I'm not stopping dad from seeing them. I want him to see them more. Just not introducing a new partner to them

Then unfortunately I think your being unreasonable.

You aren't married anymore, your not his boss and he doesn't need permission or otherwise - as I said unless there's a safety aspect. Him having a new partner has 0 to do with you and should have zero to do with contact time.

He's a equal parent to you, and if you don't treat him as such then I have very little sympathy for you.

I say this as someone's who exdh cheated when we lost our first child, and then went on to move in and marry the OW (I kicked him out obviously)

ZekeZeke · 27/05/2023 16:18

It's nothing to do with you.
You have no right to dictate what he can/can not do/see whatever on his days with the children.

Original poster
bekindtome · 27/05/2023 16:18

He has supervised contact at exmils house which is why I think they asked. I'm opened to everyone's opinions thank you. I'm really just trying to do my best

OP posts:
GoalShooter · 27/05/2023 16:18

I understand your feelings OP, but it's his decision.

MarIey · 27/05/2023 16:23

You can't make that decision, just like he couldn't make that decision if you got new partner.

OutDamnedSpot · 27/05/2023 16:34

I understand why you wouldn’t want this to happen, but I don’t see how you have any way of stopping it. Surely what he does and who he spends time with during his time with the dc is up to him?

WheelsUp · 27/05/2023 16:37

Legally it's up to him but I understand why you would prefer that he didn't. Once they are introduced, it paves the way for the gf to look after the kids too.

Equalitea · 27/05/2023 16:38

Unfortunately I think the courts tend to say that the dad can introduce them to whoever they want on their time as can you.

UsingChangeofName · 27/05/2023 16:38

Cantthinkofaname2203 · 27/05/2023 16:12

it’s not your choice or place to “allow” it.

either you trust him to safeguard your kids, or you don’t. There’s no picking and choosing.

if you think he is allowing contact with inappropriate people then you stop contact and go through the proper channels.

or you allow him to see the kids, and what he does and who he sees in that time is his choice.

would you allow him to dictate who you introduce to the kids?

This sums it up.

It isn't up to you to 'allow' or 'not allow' it.

NewNameNigel · 27/05/2023 16:50

WheelsUp · 27/05/2023 16:37

Legally it's up to him but I understand why you would prefer that he didn't. Once they are introduced, it paves the way for the gf to look after the kids too.

I doubt his gf is eagerly chomping at the bit to be free childcare 😂

Original poster
bekindtome · 27/05/2023 17:05

Thanks for your replies. It seems I'm been unreasonably. I will backtrack and while I'm not happy about it I realise there not much I can do about it.

OP posts:
Fandabedodgy · 27/05/2023 17:11

It's not up to you I'm afraid

Shelby2010 · 27/05/2023 17:20

It’s not up to you but YANBU.

If he only has supervised visits at MIL EOW then he should be giving his children his undivided attention during that time.

And, no, I wouldn’t class him as an equal parent if he only sees them EOW & can’t parent them on his own. Probably counting on the new girlfriend to take over from MIL for any hands on parenting required.

Unfortunately you can’t stop him introducing her, so maybe just ask him to push it back a month or so. After all that’s only 2 more visits with his kids. Perhaps you can suggest he starts telling them about her rather than her just turning up one day.

candlesflamesandbrooms · 27/05/2023 17:29

Shelby2010 · 27/05/2023 17:20

It’s not up to you but YANBU.

If he only has supervised visits at MIL EOW then he should be giving his children his undivided attention during that time.

And, no, I wouldn’t class him as an equal parent if he only sees them EOW & can’t parent them on his own. Probably counting on the new girlfriend to take over from MIL for any hands on parenting required.

Unfortunately you can’t stop him introducing her, so maybe just ask him to push it back a month or so. After all that’s only 2 more visits with his kids. Perhaps you can suggest he starts telling them about her rather than her just turning up one day.

I mean in the legal sense of thing, and via the courts he is 50/50 the other parent. And if some is or isn't is decided by the courts and lose their parental rights. That's not up to the other parent to decide.

And I say that knowing most mums do the lion share of work re children (regardless if they are currently married to the dad or split). That's wrong in its self but not something someone can proclaim or unproclaim !

Lkgcsr · 27/05/2023 17:32

unfortunately there isn’t always much you can do if he does it anyway but you can explain that you think partners should only be introduced when it’s stable and long term and that you’ll do the same