Aibu to not allow exdp new dp meeting kids

[bekindtome]

Exdp has a new dp and wants to introduce her to our dc's. He has them every other weekend at exmil's due to substance and alcohol problems. He still suffers from alcohol problems. I've said no and now I'm wondering if I was unreasonable. They seem to be on again off again.
I'm not sure if anything else is relevant. I just want to protect my kids.

I see where you're coming from and it wouldn't sit right with me either. But unfortunately you can't do anything about it, he is their parent too and he can do what he wants with them when they are in his care. If you are on good speaking terms with your ex perhaps you could come to some mutual agreement that the children are only introduced to new partners once the relationship is serious/stable.

Supervised at MIL because that's what you've decided, or because that's what a court ordered?

What would you say if he said the children couldn't meet your new partner (if and when)

I feel as though being the main parent who isn't abusing substances and requiring supervision to be around their own children gives a little weight to the OPs opinion.

Look op I really do get it.

I assume lots of us do. But here's the thing to have a happy life co parenting life the best thing you can do is studiously ignore what goes down in the dads house (baring safety concerns)

People that get overly involved in what goes down in their ex's life's aren't happy (this goes for men and women) the happiest co parenting relationships are when neither side is trying to dictate what goes down in the others house.

It takes a massive amount of patience and a lot of will power but honestly you will be happier for it and so will the kids. Any bad decisions either parties make will be viewed when the children are adults with a very difference lens. Don't go looking for trouble and let trouble find you.

It can be done. It's hard but worth it for the kids.

Sadly not. If the op is happy to send her child off to him regularly she can't decide who the child meets when they're at their dad's. It's part and parcel of being a separated parent.

Pretending otherwise doesn't help anyone.

If she thinks he isn’t safeguarding their children then she should not be sending her kids at all.

unless the supervision is court ordered she can’t dictate that either. If she thinks supervision is necessary for the safety of her children she needs to go through the proper channels.

sending your kids off to spend time with their dad means you do not think he will put them at risk. There is no in between and you can’t specify what he does on his own time. If you think he can’t safeguard them then stop contact.

Given HE only has supervised contact, I think it's a bit different. I'd tell him you're not happy about it until it's a bit more stable & that in the short amount of time he sees his children he should really be focussed on them.

An alcoholic with supervised contact us a different kettle of fish altogether.

This annoys me so much!!
He sees his kids one day a fortnight and doesn’t think they deserve his full attention?!
There is absolutely no reason to introduce children to new partners until the relationship is stable and long term.

I would also find it very reasonable to ask for a DBS to be done on her!!

A dbs? Members of the public can't just randomly get a dbs on whoever they want. That's a check that employers do in specific circumstances.

You don’t get a say in it though, you can say you don’t think it is a good idea but if he thinks it is, then there is no point wasting your mental energy on it asy you can’t change it.

If it’s supervised contact then it’s only meant for the people agreed to be there. Not for any other person unless they have permission.

O/p hasn’t said whether the supervised contact is on her request, or court ordered though.

if it’s her deciding he has supervised contact, that’s not enforceable. If she thinks he needs supervision it should be done through SS/courts.

they’re either safe with him or they’re not. She can’t dictate the terms of contact, only whether they see him or not. Then it’s on him to show he can parent safely to SS.

Woah! Way overstepping there. You are both equally your children's parents you don't get to control and "allow" him to introduce his partner. Try and see it positively - they might be around for a long time and be a positive influence in your children's life.

Presumably he would sort out the permission

Is this a joke?

No it would be whoever is responsible for arranging the supervised contact. Same as if it’s in the courts we don’t let anyone attend unless agreed with the organisers.

She doesn't trust him to safeguard them hence him having contact only at MIL with MIL present.

She has every right to say that the children can not meet and on again off again partner she has 50% PR there are even prohibited steps orders via the court where you can bar your children from seeing individuals.

I can see why this might just feel like another intrusion and complication in the kids lives, but realistically what can you do?

You have absolutely no right to stop him introducing them to anyone he likes.

You might not like it, but you cannot stop it.

Perfectly reasonable. I think you need the relationship a bit more established. You don't want a constant revolving door of new DPs meeting the kids and then leaving.