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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends expectations

29 replies

Mummyofbananas · 27/05/2023 11:33

This is a bit of a lighthearted AIBU, I just need a vent.

I have 3 children- 10, 8 and 5. My friend has 4-, 8, 4(twins) and 1.

I'm currently really busy in work, working full time hours plus overtime. My husband works long hours so I do majority of school runs, I then have to pick kids up at night after work which means I don't get any owntime really until they're all in bed (normal I know I'm not complaining about that). My husband also works weekends most weeks so I generally have the kids most of the weekend or if he's off I work overtime.

My friend is on mat leave and when she does work it's 16 hours. Her husband also works long hours but is home evenings and weekends. She does have very early mornings with her youngest which I have sympathy for because that's not an issue I've had.

It's hard for both of us, as it is for all mums but she's always liked to complain that things are harder for her because she has an extra child, things cost more, she has more to do etc which I usually just ignore.

Recently we both started an exercise facebook thing. Every morning she gets up with her baby and does her exercises ( her kids get dropped off by family), then posts on the group.

I'm doing what I can but I physically don't have the time to do them every single day and when I do I'm not sitting putting it on facebook.

Today she's tagged me in the group to tell me I have to pull my weight and messaged me, with smiley faces saying she needed to pull me up because I obviously have enough time.

I'm very annoyed right now, and under a lot of pressure in everyway so I really didn't need it. I just needed a vent so I don't say something to her when I know she doesn't really mean anything bad by it.

AIBU for being annoyed I suppose

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummyofbananas · 27/05/2023 11:34

Sorry mixed up ages, I have 3, she has 4 (inc twins).

OP posts:
Comedycook · 27/05/2023 11:38

Don't overthink this...just tell her you're really busy and feeling stressed at the moment because of work.

CC222 · 27/05/2023 11:43

It sounds to me like she's a bit jealous of how well you cope with your family/work/life situation, and now she's got something to be one up on you about, she's posting it publicly in a passive aggressive way to make herself feel better that there's something she is doing that you can't (and understandably you can't always fit in exercise because you're a very busy woman!)
She sounds quite petty and immature. Maybe just politely ask her not to tag you in any future posts because you're not tracking your fitness routine on a public forum and you're keeping your own records, and just don't tell her anymore about what you're doing. I know you shouldn't really have to keep quiet on it, especially if it started out as a joint venture, but she clearly doesn't have the intentions of helping motivate each other. She's using it as a reason to make herself feel better at something because she generally feels inferior to you. Btw that's not anything that's your doing, it's her own insecurities causing this!
Personally I'd give her space for a while and just focus on your own journey with fitness.
Sounds like you juggle all aspects of your life really well, good for you! 🙌🏻

Original poster
Mummyofbananas · 27/05/2023 11:47

Thank you, I don't actually think she does mean anything by it she's just a bit unthinking and I don't think she can ever appreciate anyone else's life being difficult.

I don't normally work so much my works just unusually busy at the moment.
She's a very good, calm organised mum. I'm scatty and all over the place and usually we just get along fine accepting each others differences but I feel like she just can't see it from anyone elses view, she can do it so I must be able to and it's irritating me, I actually said to her I'm stressed with work and she said you have time to do it.

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 27/05/2023 11:49

She sounds a real bitch. I would distance myself from her. I'd also remind her to come back when she's got a full-time job and talk about pressure then.

RandomMess · 27/05/2023 11:52

She has 4 kids but tonnes of help doesn't do the school run 😳

I think I would reply "if I didn't have to to do the school run I would 😜"

Tinkerbyebye · 27/05/2023 11:54

Afraid I would just type Duck off and a load of smiley faces

honeylulu · 27/05/2023 12:00

How does she think you "have time to do it" when you work full time compared to 16 hours? I agree with posters saying you should just let it wash over you but personally I'd be really tempted to list my daily schedule to show how little time there actually is. One of my friends who worked two days a week strictly 9-4 once called me "a lazy girl" because I brought a Tesco cake to my mum's birthday party rather than making one. I may or may not have told her quite sharply that I'd had a very long week in my full time job and long commute, hadnt got home until after 8pm the night before, had put my son to bed and then gone to Tesco at 10pm to buy the damn cake, then been up at 7 to drive to Kent for the party. Arrrggh! Anyway she's never called me lazy again!

CantFindTheBeat · 27/05/2023 12:01

What sort of group is it? What's the purpose of it?

Is the idea that you are 'accountability partners' who encourage each other and tell each other to make it happen?

To be honest, you're putting a fair amount of excuses on here about why you can't do it and why she can.

Diet and exercise success does often boil down to mindset and motivation, not logistics.

Maybe you're just not in the right place right now to be rigid with it, and/or maybe it's not the right plan for you, and there are different and better ways.

Original poster
Mummyofbananas · 27/05/2023 12:07

I'm doing the workouts and losing weight, i'm just not managing every day and i'm not posting on facebook. The group is just workouts to follow and some people post after some don't there's no rules.

I can't do it fully and I accept that, when I signed up to do it I never expected to excercise every day. I know my friend can and I know she's also a bit more dedicated than me which is fine. I'm annoyed that she's tagged me in a public group to call me out and then insinuated to me that I should be able to do it because she can.

OP posts:
HadEnough2023 · 27/05/2023 12:10

"Friend I'm busy doing a full time job and looking after 3 kids, just because I don't constantly post my life on social media doesn't mean I'm not doing it. Please stop being rude."

She sounds like a frienemy.

OneLittleFinger · 27/05/2023 13:08

As much as I'd want to ignore it I'd be tempted to reply with my daily routine and ask where the "obvious" time to exercise because I'm not seeing it. Wait for her reply then leave the group and block her. (You could always create a second FB ID and rejoin.)

Maray1967 · 27/05/2023 13:40

I’d message back and say ‘No I don’t’. If she messages again, just repeat it.

rookiemere · 27/05/2023 15:23

I'd post back on the group "Hi Friend. I am doing really well and have lost x pounds and y inches ! Just been a bit manic at work recently so no time for posting."

Nanny0gg · 27/05/2023 15:30

Mummyofbananas · 27/05/2023 11:47

Thank you, I don't actually think she does mean anything by it she's just a bit unthinking and I don't think she can ever appreciate anyone else's life being difficult.

I don't normally work so much my works just unusually busy at the moment.
She's a very good, calm organised mum. I'm scatty and all over the place and usually we just get along fine accepting each others differences but I feel like she just can't see it from anyone elses view, she can do it so I must be able to and it's irritating me, I actually said to her I'm stressed with work and she said you have time to do it.

Just ask her how it affects her life? You're doing what you want/are able to do and that's fine

TheSnowyOwl · 27/05/2023 15:39

Yanbu but surely she can’t have been complaining for that long about having an extra child given her youngest is only 1.

Fraaahnces · 27/05/2023 15:49

Good grief! Why is it your job to keep her on track? You’re not HER mother. You have your own kids. There are heaps of apps available if she needs to be kept on the straight and narrow. You’re busy juggling ft work and three kids. She’s a patronizing twerp.

Rinkydinkydoodle · 27/05/2023 16:42

Is there no a way you can prevent certain people tagging you in posts? I had a cousin that used to tag me into all sorts, so I preventing tagging (it might have been that nobody could tag me though, which might not suit for other reasons if you use FB for other things).

Rinkydinkydoodle · 27/05/2023 16:43

*Not a way
*prevented

Original poster
Mummyofbananas · 27/05/2023 16:56

TheSnowyOwl · 27/05/2023 15:39

Yanbu but surely she can’t have been complaining for that long about having an extra child given her youngest is only 1.

No but prior to that it was that she had twins (I appreciate twins are hard work).

OP posts:
GCalltheway · 27/05/2023 17:11

This never happens to me - I would just say no thanks , can’t fit anything else in - call me when you are free for cocktails!

AliceOlive · 27/05/2023 17:17

I’d just write her back and say “Thanks Anne, I’m really happy with my efforts and the resulting progress. I don’t post publicly, though as it doesn’t motivate me to share that way.”

AliceOlive · 27/05/2023 17:18

Also, I would find her extremely tedious. When she gets to dragging me into her complaining with comparisons I’d say, “It’s really not a competition.”

AliceOlive · 27/05/2023 17:19

Rinkydinkydoodle · 27/05/2023 16:42

Is there no a way you can prevent certain people tagging you in posts? I had a cousin that used to tag me into all sorts, so I preventing tagging (it might have been that nobody could tag me though, which might not suit for other reasons if you use FB for other things).

Yes, you can require approval. I have this on. Absolutely hate being tagged.

JudgeRudy · 27/05/2023 17:21

I doesnt sound like jealouy at all.