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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect our childcare arrangements to change?

34 replies

WelshMoon · 27/05/2023 10:20

To cut a long story short, I separated from exP when DS was around 1.
The arrangement has generally been a 60/40 split (though there was a long period were ExP didn't have DS at all over night, but I don't think its overly relevant to my AIBU) though I am the "main" parent and deal with all appointments/nursery/child related admin. ExP has had DS most of the weekend up until now as my work has allowed me to spend a lot of time with him through the week and exP works Monday to Friday, so this arrangement has allowed DS quality time with both of us for days out.
DS starts school in September so me spending time with him mid week isn't going to be a possibility so I suggested to exP that we should have every other weekend with DS. To facilitate this we would continue having the same number of nights per fortnight so she doesn't lose out per se.
ExP has flatly refused. I guess my AIBU is should I put my foot down on this as I feel its incredibly unfair and is it worth getting a child arrangement order over? (Or am I even likely to get what I'm asking for)

OP posts:
Sirzy · 27/05/2023 10:23

I think given the big changes in your child’s circumstances it’s a sensible time to take another look at how the arrangements work best for the child

Original poster
WelshMoon · 27/05/2023 10:26

The situation works perfect for DS currently. But I think once at school it may not suit him quite so well.
I think DS would prefer having more time with me (he asks for an extra nighy at mine, and his dad had him an extra nighy recently and DS was not happy about this) as I'm not sure he's a fan of being so back and forth between houses. But his dad would never agree to this. I think every other weekend and changing the days slightly would suit DS more as he would spend a longer period with each of us rather than being back and forth so much. His dad refusing every other weekend also massively effects DS hobby as he once at school its likely he will have to move to a weekend slot and his dad won't take him.

OP posts:
BungleandGeorge · 27/05/2023 10:26

Yes you need to put your foot down and go to court if necessary. Every other weekend is seen as the ‘norm’ for school age children

FinallyHere · 27/05/2023 10:26

And I don't see how it is in any way fair, once the child is in school M-F, for one parent to do the heavy lifting week day times while the other has all the fun weekend times.

Original poster
WelshMoon · 27/05/2023 10:29

I already do over half the school run type stuff, and whilst it's annoying it's fine. It's more me and DS won't be able to do any fun stuff together as he will go to his dad's lunch time Saturday and come back tea time Sunday. (Which makes it hard for his dad to have proper days out too tbh)

OP posts:
BungleandGeorge · 27/05/2023 10:30

You’ll probably need to compromise on which week days you both have. You might prefer longer stretches with each of you but it has to work for both of you and take into account work commitments etc. and possibly dad will just want eow so he doesn’t have to do any of the drudgery that goes along with care during the school week

Original poster
WelshMoon · 27/05/2023 10:33

I'm flexible for him to choose which days work best for him. The only thing I'm asking is every other weekend.

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 27/05/2023 10:34

It's not fair on anyone for one parent to have all weekends. If your ex doesn't agree, going to court will resolve it, although it seems a waste of time when the outcome is guaranteed. You seem to refer to your ex as both dad and she so not sure if there is some reversing going on here, but under circumstances where there are no safeguarding issues and contact has already been established as fairly equal, of course one parent shouldn't have all weekends.

quietnightmare · 27/05/2023 10:36

This one is hard because obviously it's only fair for you to have some weekends with your child BUT as it has been going well and he does give up his weekends every weekend and wants to continue to do so could you ask him what options he would be willing to do and you lay out a few options too

Obviously depending on distance

One week with you and weekend with him then one week with him and one weekend with you - can out a night in the middle on the week that each of you don't have your child

Or the same as above but two weeks on with the two weekend - with several teas time contacts in the two weeks you don't have the child and one overnight

2 days in 2 days off

3 days on 4 days off

One of you has the child Friday until Saturday evening and the other Saturday night to Monday morning. Then the week after swop and obviously work out what will happen in the week

What I will say though is be flexible. If it is every other weekend really try not to book anything for your child on a day that's not yours and visa versa and be flexible BOTH OF YOU! For example if your child is invited to a wedding with his family on your weekend then of course let your ex have your child that weekend. Do you see what I mean?

2chocolateoranges · 27/05/2023 10:37

Why should his dad get all the fun times at the weekend and you have to do all the rushing about Monday to Friday, you deserve some weekends with your child too.

Original poster
WelshMoon · 27/05/2023 10:40

I don't think DS would like being away from either of us for a particularly long time so I'm not sure a week on, week off type arrangement would work, also his dad would struggle with work with that type arrangement.

I'm already fairly flexible for everything as is, which is why I'm quite annoyed that he's point blank refusing to work with me here, especially when he's basically being allowed to pick what works best for him.

OP posts:
BigShoutyRaven · 27/05/2023 10:45

It's not just one parent getting all the school day slog and one the good time weekends though is it. It's not even a mental load issue - it's financial.

It's the parent who has the child Monday- Friday taking all the impact on their earning potential when the other parent makes zero sacrifice; plus paying out for all holiday childcare and covering all inset days and all sickness while the other parent is not impacted at all.

StopMindlesslyScrolling · 27/05/2023 10:48

Send your ex a message that focuses on the best interests of your child.

I.E. "With DC starting school in September it is obviously in the best interest of our child that they get to spend some quality time (non-schooling hours) with each parent.

It is also in the best interest of our child that we both contribute to their school life (in terms of school runs, helping with reading and homework etc).

Therefore I am proposing an EOW agreement with flexibility in the week as to which school over-nights you will do.

We can negotiate this between us, or we can go to court and it can be agreed there, but it is obviously in the best interest of our child that we sort this amicably between the two of us.

Please let me know what you decide by X and we can either have a discussion or appoint solicitors as required."

If he does his research he'll realise that a court will agree with the above anyway, so solicitors are a waste of money, but don't be afraid to push it if he does.

ArdeteiMasazxu · 27/05/2023 10:53

It's so obviously unreasonable for the child to spend all leisure time with one parent and all working-days with the other, that a parent who can't understand this obviously doesn't have the child's best interests at heart. Go to court if necessary but yanbu to insist on eow

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 27/05/2023 10:53

I'd deal with this before DS starts school, you don't want to establish a status quo, it's harder to argue for change after the fact. Where I am (not uk) you go to mediation first for any changes in child arrangements, then court if that fails. If that's an option I'd look to do mediation first. Getting some legal advice on the issue beforehand might be helpful too.

Another2022 · 27/05/2023 10:54

Could he not do one night during the week then eow Friday after school until Monday school drop off? As much as it works now you both need weekends to do stuff with your child. Also, as a pp said, you’ll need to be flexible and willing to swap weekends or let either of you have an extra night one week or the other.

Original poster
WelshMoon · 27/05/2023 10:58

This was similar to the first message I sent (minusentioning solicitors). But it was a no then, and everytime I've asked if he's reconsidered it's still a point blank no.

I've tried to frame it as being in DS best interests, which I firmly believe it is, but he refuses to give up his weekends.

I may mention solicitors, as he has been through this with his oldest daughter, albeit a long time ago and because her mum was being unfair to him. Which makes it even more surprising he is unwilling to compromise having been in this situation .

OP posts:
Original poster
WelshMoon · 27/05/2023 11:01

Does anyone know how much this would likely cost to sort through court?

OP posts:
CatastrophicCat · 27/05/2023 11:34

WelshMoon · 27/05/2023 11:01

Does anyone know how much this would likely cost to sort through court?

Think mediation is normally around £60 (each, ex will have to pay too) and then about £250 to submit the form for a CAO. You don't need a solicitor so that should be it cost-wise.

StopMindlesslyScrolling · 27/05/2023 11:37

Send him details about mediation then with a breakdown of costs that both he and you will have to pay.

Now you mention he's already had to go to court about visitation for another child with another woman it does seem like he's got form for being awkward.

BungleandGeorge · 27/05/2023 12:15

CatastrophicCat · 27/05/2023 11:34

Think mediation is normally around £60 (each, ex will have to pay too) and then about £250 to submit the form for a CAO. You don't need a solicitor so that should be it cost-wise.

Show quote history

the average is £140 each per hour for mediation. And it’s a slow process..

BungleandGeorge · 27/05/2023 12:16

If he’s difficult I’d skip straight to solicitor as mediation is non-binding

UsingChangeofName · 27/05/2023 12:49

I think it is very reasonable to review the arrangements when there are changes in the life of any of the 3 of you, but I'm not sure fixing in your mind it has to be EOW is helpful either. After all, if your dc wants to do something that is always on a Sunday morning or a Friday night or a Saturday afternoon, then problems arise if the one parent doesn't get to dictate what the other parent does on their time. Plus it makes it difficult to go away for a week, and to have any sort of flexibility if you get invited to a wedding or a big family do when it isn't your weekend.

However, if the relationship between you is such that you can't discuss different options, then sorting it legally is the only way. I'd just point out to dh that is going to cost both of you a lot of money, and it also ties him into lack of flexibility when he might want it.

CatastrophicCat · 27/05/2023 13:03

BungleandGeorge · 27/05/2023 12:15

the average is £140 each per hour for mediation. And it’s a slow process..

Show quote history

Crikey that's gone up then! If OP and ex are unlikely to agree then one session is usually enough for that to become clear and they can proceed to court. Just checked and it's actually £232 to file the CAO form so was slightly out there too, sorry OP Blush

WheelsUp · 27/05/2023 13:28

Yanbu to want EOW. You might want it so that ds can see your side of the family overnight or to just chill at home with you.
It is a good idea to review things before school starts. School holidays are 13 weeks per year and you might want to discuss with him how he'd like to organise stretches like half term so that he can get organised with taking annual leave etc

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