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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect our childcare arrangements to change?

34 replies

WelshMoon · 27/05/2023 10:20

To cut a long story short, I separated from exP when DS was around 1.
The arrangement has generally been a 60/40 split (though there was a long period were ExP didn't have DS at all over night, but I don't think its overly relevant to my AIBU) though I am the "main" parent and deal with all appointments/nursery/child related admin. ExP has had DS most of the weekend up until now as my work has allowed me to spend a lot of time with him through the week and exP works Monday to Friday, so this arrangement has allowed DS quality time with both of us for days out.
DS starts school in September so me spending time with him mid week isn't going to be a possibility so I suggested to exP that we should have every other weekend with DS. To facilitate this we would continue having the same number of nights per fortnight so she doesn't lose out per se.
ExP has flatly refused. I guess my AIBU is should I put my foot down on this as I feel its incredibly unfair and is it worth getting a child arrangement order over? (Or am I even likely to get what I'm asking for)

OP posts:
Original poster
WelshMoon · 27/05/2023 14:55

Well it seems the threat of seeking a child arrangement order was enough to at least get him talking about the idea and he's come up with a provisional plan that he would be happy with. It's a bit more back and forth but it does give DS weekend time with both of us, which was my main concern.

We havnt actually discussed holidays yet. I may leave it a day or two and then being those up and makes sense to get that dealt with now aswell.

OP posts:
Eleganz · 27/05/2023 15:27

What would be the likely plan for school nights with him? As he works I am assuming that some paid for wrap around care would be required. That might explain reluctance to change, although doesn't justify it.

arethereanyleftatall · 27/05/2023 15:28

'I need advice on how to make him understand that he is an equal parent'

As you've just written this, I think you haven't understood what everyone has been trying to tell you and why everyone is saying divorce.
There is no advice available in this situation.
Your husband has been brought up probably from day 1 as a misogynist. He is inherently selfish and financially abusive. He always will be.
You have been brought up to put everyone's needs before your own.
There is no advice that will change this.
Sorry op.

He obviously knows full well that he's taking advantage of you. And he can't care less.

arethereanyleftatall · 27/05/2023 15:29

Sorry - wrong thread!! 😂

Original poster
WelshMoon · 27/05/2023 15:43

He would require wrap around care, I have family and friends who are able to collect DS. We both finish work around the same time, I can set off to work slightly later than when he starts. The agreement he has come to actually has him doing 1extra school morning per fortnight so I'm not sure that was the reason. I think he just likes to dig his heals in tbh, now it's his idea he seems OK

OP posts:
WheelsUp · 27/05/2023 16:02

I have an ex like that OP. It takes him a few days to calm down and realise that what I'm saying is best for everyone. I think that as the NRP he has the luxury of not having to think ahead or to think about stuff as they arise rather than plan ahead like I do.
First half term isn't until October so a few days will be more than fine but whatever you decide will probably be the routine for the next few years.

Original poster
WelshMoon · 24/06/2023 15:43

Aaaaagh!!!
So he has done a U turn and is once again refusing to make any changes to the current schedule.
Has anyone recently been through the court process to get a minor change to what was previously agreed between parents, and what was the process like and how much did it cost?
It's looking like this will be the only way to sort it out, but I'm a little reluctant if a judge may not award such a minor change.

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 24/06/2023 18:34

It's not a minor change though.

It costs £200 or maybe a bit more now to apply to court and there's no doubt that the court will agree to every other weekend. He may counter with a 50:50 request, which they may also agree with.

You'll have to pay for a MIAM with a mediator and will be encouraged to do mediation, but if he's not likely to stick to more informal agreements I would just get the form signed by the mediator and proceed to court.

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