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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Implication I’m lying?

28 replies

Lostwifehelp · 27/05/2023 08:56

I don’t know whether I’m being sensitive or whether this is something to feel annoyed about.

My husband and I are separating amicably. I’ve always got on with his family. His sister and mum continue to message me to check I’m ok and tell me they are here for me. Everyone in the family knows it’s not acrimonious.

My husband had a health issue recently which he’s in denial about. I messaged his brother about this because he is a doctor (husband is aware so no issues there). My brother in law then messaged my husband saying “I don’t know what’s going on. You should know this is what your wife is saying about you.” To me this implies that I could be lying and spreading false rumours about him, which I found offensive. I have never done anything to warrant that kind of characterisation.

My mother in law would like the whole family to get together in the next few weeks for a celebration (mostly so the kids can spend time with each other) and has asked me to join. I like her so I would have done it, but I don’t really feel like seeing my brother in law after this. I don’t know if I’m being overly sensitive though?

OP posts:
GneissGuysFinishLast · 27/05/2023 08:58

What is the medical issue? It sounds like it’s something personal?

Why didn’t your ex message his own brother? Even if you were still with your ex, it is weird for you to message his brother for medical advice for him. He can message himself surely?

DysmalRadius · 27/05/2023 08:59

I wouldn't have taken it as an accusation that you are lying, just that he is confused as to why you are messaging him about your stbex husband. Was what you said potentially contentious?

tescocreditcard · 27/05/2023 08:59

I wouldn't continue to go to family gatherings if you're splitting up. Presumably your ex can take the kids with him. I'd not get involved with the health issues either especially if your ex is denying they exist. He might be right!

Original poster
Lostwifehelp · 27/05/2023 09:03

The health issues are that he’s having blackouts. He wouldn’t message himself because he’s partly in denial and he has some mental health issues at the moment.

OP posts:
SabbatWheel · 27/05/2023 09:05

You way overstepped by messaging his brother. Your ex isn’t a child, it is up to him to deal with his med issues, and if he is in denial that is up to him now.

Iknowthis1 · 27/05/2023 09:07

Perhaps the text message would have been better as a phone conversation or face to face conversation. Text messages can take on an entirely different and unintended tone when there is no context. It sounds like he was uncomfortable with the message and didn't know what to make of it. It's admirable that he wouldn't want to talk about his brothers issues behind his brothers back. It doesn't necessarily mean he thought you were lying.

SeasonFinale · 27/05/2023 09:08

Perhaps the brother is worried that you contacting him rather than his brother may be some kind of attempt for you to set up a narrative whereby it is not safe for your kids to have contacy with their father.

I get you are asking with the best of intentions and think possibly it is lost in "written word " translation whereas a conversation may have been easier for him to see your concern.

Hoppinggreen · 27/05/2023 09:08

You are splitting up, you have no business messaging his brother like that.
Plus you shouldn’t be going to a family gathering
A break up doesn’t have to be acrimonious but you are still too involved with his life

Thebigblueballoon · 27/05/2023 09:13

I wouldn’t have texted him about a serious medical issue, I’d have discussed it face-to-face. But, really, your ex should be talking to his brother about this. Your brother-in-law was probably a bit weirded out by the message and probably questioned your motive for sending it.

Notthisagaineh · 27/05/2023 09:14

However we’ll intentioned you were OP, you overstepped the mark. I’d have reacted as your brother in law did in these circumstances

Dillydollydingdong · 27/05/2023 09:18

I think you should go to the family event, especially as you've been invited personally. It will show the family and especially the brother in law, that you're still on good terms and there to support STBExH.

openstop · 27/05/2023 09:21

Can you really not see why your soon to be ex brother in law reacted this way? You need to remove yourself from his life now, you're separating so seperate!

openstop · 27/05/2023 09:21

Notthisagaineh · 27/05/2023 09:14

However we’ll intentioned you were OP, you overstepped the mark. I’d have reacted as your brother in law did in these circumstances

Same

Original poster
Lostwifehelp · 27/05/2023 09:30

Ok maybe the message was wrong. I was under a lot of mental pressure myself at the time and my mother in law had been insisting that my brother in law who is a psychiatrist may know some strategies that I could use to coax a mentally unwell person to get help, which I knew was unlikely and I turned out to be right.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lostwifehelp · 27/05/2023 09:39

Also for those saying face to face, we live in different countries so wasn’t possible.

OP posts:
GneissGuysFinishLast · 27/05/2023 09:43

Lostwifehelp · 27/05/2023 09:30

Ok maybe the message was wrong. I was under a lot of mental pressure myself at the time and my mother in law had been insisting that my brother in law who is a psychiatrist may know some strategies that I could use to coax a mentally unwell person to get help, which I knew was unlikely and I turned out to be right.

So why did your mother in law not message her own son about her other son, rather than have you message your ex brother in law about your ex husband? This makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

Dutch1e · 27/05/2023 10:36

I'd probably send one more message.

Just a short one, like "even though everything was transparent & above board I realise now it's no longer my place to get involved in whatever STBX is experiencing. I'm sorry for the misstep, and for putting you in an awkward position."

sunnydaysandhappythoughts · 27/05/2023 10:41

Dutch1e · 27/05/2023 10:36

I'd probably send one more message.

Just a short one, like "even though everything was transparent & above board I realise now it's no longer my place to get involved in whatever STBX is experiencing. I'm sorry for the misstep, and for putting you in an awkward position."

I don't think that's necessary at all, the OP should just leave it. It doesn't sound like it was done with bad intention and even though they're breaking up doesn't mean the OP and her soon to be ex husband have to stop caring about each other's health. If the brother didn't want to engage with the OP he could've just said he'd talk to his brother.

sunnydaysandhappythoughts · 27/05/2023 10:42

Dillydollydingdong · 27/05/2023 09:18

I think you should go to the family event, especially as you've been invited personally. It will show the family and especially the brother in law, that you're still on good terms and there to support STBExH.

Agreed

Original poster
Lostwifehelp · 27/05/2023 10:44

@GneissGuysFinishLast Because as I’m living with him and the only person he is talking to right now she felt I was the only person who could try to talk to him if his brother had any strategies to suggest

OP posts:
averythinline · 27/05/2023 10:52

i would message back bil and say mil said to contact you for advice as exdh not in a good place ....
no apology needed .....but you need to step away or will be continually having to deal with/think about this sort of stuff

Brefugee · 27/05/2023 10:54

Message MIL and say that the kids will be there but you will not as it's probably better if you stay away.
Then tell her that if anyone is going to help your STBXH it had better be her because your concern is apparently not welcome.

And then leave it at that. I'd keep in touch with any of them who are inclined to stay in touch with you and sack the rest of them, including STBXH (communication about DCs only) off

Original poster
Lostwifehelp · 27/05/2023 10:58

@sunnydaysandhappythoughts Yes I’m not going to message to apologise. My intentions were to try to help my husband and nothing nefarious. Im just disappointed that despite never having always behaved with integrity and respect there’s a suggestion I’m shot stirring but I guess some people for whatever reason just assume every breakup has to be acrimonious and you have to hate each other.

OP posts:
ShandaLear · 27/05/2023 11:00

I get you were trying to help, but you shared a person’s private medical information with their family member without permission. My sister is in the profession and if one of my family is poorly I always ask if they would like me to ask for advice before I pick up the phone. The brother did the right thing by alerting your ex.

Original poster
Lostwifehelp · 27/05/2023 11:05

@ShandaLear No that’s not true. I told my husband I wanted to speak to him about it.

OP posts:
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