To ask what the flippity flip happens when my asd child stops going to school?

[Alwaysyouwhosgottafallover]

Just that really. 8 year old on ASD pathway, always hated going into school has now refused outright three separate times. This is after an hour of begging, threatening, giving options, making allowances, giving space to decompress. I know it's not their fault but I must admit I have blamed them at times.
I cannot be this chill person who just says 'ok, you can't manage it today, well done for trying' when I work full time and let people down. I let my colleagues down, I put myself in a vulnerable position in terms of redundancy and disciplinary. I've just secured funding for an additional qualification and I'm worried that they'll withdrawal it due to my unreliability.
Not to mention I'm a lone parent and the sole person on a hefty mortgage. No real financial support from their dad and he never takes time off as this is impossible ti predict, and I do every drop off.
I am also not financially able to pay for a home education tutor, nanny and whoever else I would need to give her an alternative education, should we secure an EOTAS. The school say that they don't know what they can do after all these years, and are suggesting that maybe she isn't right for the school, which I'm fuming about. She is in lessons about 40% of the time.
Help!

If DD can’t attend school full the LA must provide alternative education under s.19 of the Education Act 1996. This should begin once it becomes clear 15 days will be missed. The days don’t need to have already been missed or consecutive.

Does DD have an EHCP? If so, you need to request an early review as it currently isn’t meeting her needs. If she doesn’t already have an EHCP you need to request an EHCNA - on their website IPSEA have a model letter you can use.

I’ve had school refusers and I’ve gone educated. You certainly do not need future, especially at age 8 and learning doesn’t have to happen during school hours, but I agree it’s hard on one income.
I choose to work around home education.

im not saying you should fake your child out of school just that it isn’t school at home but actually very flexible.

Home and tutors *

Unfortunately, there is very little support for 'school refusal'. The LA line will be that it is on you to get you child to their identified placement.

IME things will continue to be tried/ adjusted to attempt to make a placement work whilst the child continues to attend (including changing the placement if necessary), but once the child stops attending, it can quickly become out of sight, out of mind.

Start looking for more suitable provision. Look at all options, mainstream, state special schools, independent specialist schools, independent mainstream.

It’s very sad but parents of SEN children do sometimes need to give up work. My DS spent many years on and off reduced timetable until he moved to a specialist.

"She isn't right for the school" is bullshit, they need to be more support than that.

Has she said why she doesn't want to go into school? Common reasons I've encountered for why ND children don't want to come into school include it's noisy or the corridors are crowded/busy with that early morning rush when everyone piles in, I've had children say they don't like their desk for whatever reason (too near the window or door, don't want to sit next to a particular child, etc), some children have said they find it confusing because the lessons change, and so on. For some children they don't know why they don't like it, they just don't.

Next step is to look at what can be done to mitigate it and try help her into school. Things like ear defenders or ear plugs for noisy periods of the day, coming in via the office rather than the classroom doors or starting five minutes late and finishing five minutes early to avoid the crush, a visual timetable to keep on their desk so they know what's happening (I use a "now, next, then" board a lot at work), moving desks if there is a sensory issue with their current desk, access to sensory breaks and a signalling system for when one is needed, uniform adjustments if the uniforms is a trigger point, and so on.

I think you need to look into 1. Is there anything else the school could be doing to make it work for her? And 2. Are there any more schools that might be more suitable? (I am talking special schools…some of which are private….which often means tribunal to get the local authority to pay.)
I have been through some similar stuff with my ds (now doing GCSES in mainstream, not without trouble) but with the crucial difference that I am a SAHM so have been able to drop everything again and again. This is not an option for you. I am sorry it is so hard.
I have a friend who was unable to work for years and it has been so much better since her autistic son has been at a special school.

We were also told the school wasn’t right for him, so we looked at the options at that point and decided it wasn’t perfect but it was the best realistic possibility unless we went full tribunal and special school, so they just had to suck it up.

Needs an EHCP and to consider additional support in school or some kind of specialist provision or special school.

I’m afraid you’ll have to fight for it. Start here https://www.kids.org.uk/sendiass

Yes.
Do you have a support group of parents with kids with similar issues or are you isolated?
Loads of conversations with people with autistic children will help you get a full picture of the many possibilities and put you in a position where you can say ‘well they do this for a child at x school….’

Could a change of school help your DC? If you have EHCP can you request a special school or a school with specialist Autism Unit. There is one near to me my DFS attended a special school but the Head of the Autism Unit did 1-1 tutoring with my FS and she was superb with him. He had him loving his tutor sessions. He was always asking for more. If your single wage keeps the roof over your head don't give up your job. You might be able to get a tutor 1 hr a week in evening.

My eldest attends an enhanced resource school which has a small unit attached to a mainstream school do they can design a programme for each child of balancing mainstream access and 1-1. I would really recommend it if you have any near you.

My sympathies OP- my DH and I both now work P/T as couldn't manage school runs etc and I childcare support but obviously doing it as a single parent is much harder.

Hi all
I've applied for an EHCP but not heard anything. The school have said both that they don't think she will meet the criteria but also that she isn't right for there...
I have booked a visit for another less middle class school who seem like they might be more inclusive.
To be fair we (the school and i) have tried everything over the years. Ear defenders, breakfast club (just for her), separate entrance. They are close to giving up unless I try this going in for one hour a day thing which I won't consider as it won't work for my dd. She will love being at home and I just can't work to that schedule. Due to the confidential and distressing nature of my job (social work) I cannot do it from home with a child there.

Not what you want to hear but I had to give up work. It just got worse and worse.

The only advice I can give you is to research and find a really good, supportive, autism friendly school and fight for a place.

SEND education is a shit show.

Best of luck x

Has the school had advice from an EP?
Have they tried to find out what is distressing to her in school, and changed it, rather than just reducing her timetable?
In what way is an 8 year old who finds school so distressing that they can no longer attend unlikely to meet EHCP criteria?

If she cannot face school as it is, how is she not suitable for an education health and care plan? My DD is autistic but we’re not living in the U.K. - I don’t get this (other than that it’s bullshit gaslighting gatekeeping, I get that bit)

When did you request an EHCNA? The LA must inform you whether they are going to assess or not within 6 weeks, are they in breach of that?

Sadly, some schools do incorrectly tell parents their DC won’t get or don’t need an EHCP, but the parents go on to successfully apply themselves.

Be careful with SENDIASS, some are good but too many repeat the LA’s unlawful policies and practices.

I know this sounds awful but I have friends with NT children who work full time and don't get it ("I would just leave her in school, force her to go in, take away all her stuff for a month") and I have friends with ND children who don't work and don't always get what my career gives me. I love my job, it gives me self worth. I help people. I love my daughter but we need other people in our lives. She loves her friends, she loves meeting people. I just see us both being very isolated and getting annoyed at each other. I was academic, she finds studying and school extremely hard. I find it difficult to relate all the time.

Op definitely look at other schools.

My son who has ASD was miserable and hated reception and year 1 in an affluent area at an outstanding (supposedly) quite large primary.

We moved him in year 2 to a village smaller school and he was like a different child within days. The headmistress personally met with me to go through every single thing he found distressing, scary or a worry and worked out within 2 days how to make every single thing not a stress.

You absolutely have to try another school. I gave up with the first school as it was like talking to a brick wall. They just didn't know how to support him and told me the whole thing would be solved if I organised more play dates (which he didn't want and wouldn't speak to the kids even when I tried).

He is now 10 and has friends and likes school. We still have our challenges and secondary school is a worry but for now he is happier than I ever imagined possible.

Sorry meant to also say, he had to be physically pulled off us in the mornings at the first school which felt cruel and broke my heart. I'd go to work pushing back the tears. Day 4 of the new school he physically skipped down the road! I left with a very big grin.

@ilovewispas that's the same with my DD, and they won't physically restrain her anymore as she's 8!

I had to take a break from work to support my kids with managing school as they couldn't manage before/after school club on top of the demands of the school day. And that was without behavioural issues. The system is shit.

Ideally there'd be enough alternatives to mainstream that you could find somewhere that suited and just seamlessly continue work. But that's highly unlikely to happen due to shortage of placement.

Join fb groups like "Not fine in school" and Send groups for your local area as parents will be well versed in what schools/options are available and which ones can better help. Unfortunately it just gets harder as they get older so trying to sort it early on is so important.

As for hour a day and building up- well unless they are changing their environment and expectations to suit your child then that won't achieve anything.

It is really shocking system. The other idea would be to take the financial hit of a childminder while you are sorting alternative provision. But you do need the ehcp in place. And being at the stage of needing extra help to cope in school is exactly the point you want one. And ehcp will bring funding for extra provision such as 1-1 to enable sensory breaks etc.

Yup there's a stage they won't restrain, and even more worrying that they won't chase if they leave the premises!

@Alwaysyouwhosgottafallover it's awful isn't it. Definitely work out which schools within a doable distance have space and go visit them. Be open about her challenges and ask how they would support her. I was (stupidly) worried about doing that but did it anyway and the headteacher at the school we chose was incredibly reassuring when we visited and actually interested in how to support my son.

The school he's at isn't a special school but they do have quite a few children with extra needs (neurodivergent and physical challenges such as wheelchairs) join after reception as they are known to be greatly supportive. It is a small school though so they have time to give the kid's needs attention. Their ethos is to celebrate and respect differences and support one another.

If you are ok Facebook there is an excellent group called Not Fine In School. It’s parents all in this situation. It’s great for advice and support.

my autistic daughter has been out of school for a few months now, I’m currently battling the LA to provide something else while we wait for EHC assessment.