To ask what the flippity flip happens when my asd child stops going to school?

[Alwaysyouwhosgottafallover]

Just that really. 8 year old on ASD pathway, always hated going into school has now refused outright three separate times. This is after an hour of begging, threatening, giving options, making allowances, giving space to decompress. I know it's not their fault but I must admit I have blamed them at times.
I cannot be this chill person who just says 'ok, you can't manage it today, well done for trying' when I work full time and let people down. I let my colleagues down, I put myself in a vulnerable position in terms of redundancy and disciplinary. I've just secured funding for an additional qualification and I'm worried that they'll withdrawal it due to my unreliability.
Not to mention I'm a lone parent and the sole person on a hefty mortgage. No real financial support from their dad and he never takes time off as this is impossible ti predict, and I do every drop off.
I am also not financially able to pay for a home education tutor, nanny and whoever else I would need to give her an alternative education, should we secure an EOTAS. The school say that they don't know what they can do after all these years, and are suggesting that maybe she isn't right for the school, which I'm fuming about. She is in lessons about 40% of the time.
Help!

To be honest I just insisted, she tried not to go from about 9 but it simply wasn't an option, I needed to work. Later I was called constantly to collect her and did loose 2 jobs due to this but found a flexible job who didn't mind her coming with me. On the rare occasions I gave in and let her stay off she was expected to study for 6 full hours, no reward for time off

If DD is CSA, have you emailed the Director of Children’s Services requesting provision under s.19 of the Education Act 1996 and threatening judicial review if they refuse or ignore you? If you have and this hasn’t worked contact SOSSEN for help with a pre-action letter.

@gogohmm obviously I've done all of that. I am the last person to give up and let her come home with me/ called the office. But we're talking full on non communicative, lying down, screaming, head banging, running out the gate, onto the road, for 45 minutes!
Then she's so full of guilt and shame afterwards. It's heartbreaking. Proper fight or flight response.

Ignore all the people that say you just have to make her. That often leads to masking and burnout. Naomi Fisher has some good stuff on this.

its not you, or your parenting. The education system is not set up for ND children.

I'm wondering about practicalities as well, like how do I pay my mortgage? What will the bank say if I can't work?
Although it is the only real choice and an awful choice for parents to give up work, for most it is a choice, as in they have another source of income. I have no other source of income. I don't get housing support for my mortgage.

Ehcp... push push
Do not allow them to manipulate you into a very reduced timetable.
Two of my sons went from mainstream to much smaller special Ed schools (Kent) start to look around.

Refer to early help, I know this can vary massively by area, but mine has been a godsend and I feel supported.

Check your local offer to see if you can get time with an educational psych - ours are no longer visiting schools but they offer 30min telephone appointments with school or parents.

Ask if the school have referred to the LA ASC team (we're 5 months of EBSA only to discover they hadn't done this!)

If school applied for the EHC needs assessment, and it was rejected, do it yourself. Ask for a letter from the school where they set out everything they've done and that they feel they cannot meet her needs (and why). Use sendias for help - there will be a local version.

Look for local charities, for peer support and advice. You'll hear from others which local schools are more autism friendly or have an amazing senco.

Join autistic girls network Facebook, so much support and advice (IMO less overwhelming than not fine in school where every other comment was "home educate" - just not an option for a single working parent)

Do look for a different mainstream whilst EHC goes through. My DD is yr10 so this wasn't an option (champion masker all through primary then lockdowns) but if I'd known her struggles earlier I'd have moved her to a different secondary that is known for being ND friendly.

Even if you think school have tried anything, go and look at some others. Some organisations' "best endeavours" are much better than those of others.

Look at a load of schools and it will give you a sense of what might be possible.

Keep going and chasing with the EHCP. Document every hour she is not in school and productively learning, it's all evidence that her needs are not being met and could help to secure somewhere better for her. It is HARD to get specialist places but it's doable. It's hard to get your child into a private school and get EHCP to pay for it but some people manage it. It can take a long time though. I would be having some pretty serious conversations with work about how you might adapt your hours or tasks, if they are a reasonable employer. You might be surprised what they can offer. I found it gave a better impression at work to be upfront and agree reduced and/or flexible hours, rather than trying to keep the bigger commitment and being flakey.

What do you mean by insisted?
Physically assaulted your child to get them into school?
Then how do you keep them there if the school staff are not prepared to restrain the child?

If it was just a case on saying 'no darling, you absolutely have to go so mummy can work' then the OP wouldn't be having this issue.

In my experience you will have to fight the school for everything - fight to see an EP, fight to get a EHCP, fight to get them to refer anywhere and then make sure you chase up that they have done it.

My child is currently expected to attend school 3 afternoons a week and manages 1 at the moment. I had to stop working.

I work full time and am divorced from her dad so home educate isn’t an option. She’s 10, so at the moment I wfh and she occupies herself during day. Ginvingup work isn’t an option for me either.

I’ve been signed off a couple of times from work from the stress, which gave a few weeks at a time to deal with it.

First of all I’m so sorry to hear you’re in this position OP. I’m in very similar circumstances and it’s frightening to face losing your job.

Can you talk to your employer about a period of unpaid leave? Do you have savings to tide you over a little? Speak to your mortgage provider to manage payments. You won’t be salaried but you won’t lose your job or home either that way and you can concentrate on sorting DD. Don’t force her in (I did this) as you will only be creating much bigger issues down the line.

Be prepared to fight your LA and push hard for a placement that meets her needs. It’s not a quick process and it requires grit. Good luck.

I would try a new school first. We had the same with DD in reception, she’s diagnosed with ASD. Hated school, crying and refusing for hours every day. If we managed to get her in she would scream there for over an hour and was on a reduced timetable.

Took her out and took her to see some schools, we found one she just seemed more comfortable at straight away. I can’t pinpoint why, but the staff there were more supportive, talking straight away about her spending some time in nurture. It wasn’t perfect from day one, but she would refuse at the door, rather than at home. And they were happy for me to just carry her into the classroom and they’d take over, and on several occasions the headteacher just came and carried her in, walked her round to calm her down a bit. Within about a month she was happily going and over a year later is really happy at school.

Some schools just aren’t very supportive or consistent with their approach. I’d definitely try somewhere knew first, but let her see the school and get a feel for it so she has a sense of control over it.

We were lucky in that I was off on maternity leave so we had time to sort it. I don’t know how I’d have managed if I’d have had to go to work OP. That’s an impossible situation for you as home Ed really isn’t an option.

@TorviShieldMaiden I'm not being rude but how is she learning if you're working? I can't take calls from clients with mh issues with my daughter present

I’ve been in the same position and I’m afraid I had to give up work. I was being called away from work too often and then my dc was out of school completely for two years.

Anyway I loved my job and thought I would go back after two years but I never managed it and have been on a benefit income for years.

I do think if you can hang on to your job as long as possible you should do even if it’s part-time or a more flexible arrangement.

Hugs op. I’ve been there.
And if it’s any consolation, 8 years later I’m not saying it’s easy but that stuff doesn’t happen any more. This too shall pass.

Why are you so angry with the school for suggesting it might not be the best place for her? You say they have tried everything over the years so isn’t it possible they are just telling you a truth you don’t want to hear?

They do have an obligation to provide education but it might be that school does not suit her due to her needs.
Alternative provisions can be quieter , smaller class sized schools out of local area or home education. It's so hard to hear because we rely on school to work, but school is education first, welfare second.
That you are lone parenting makes things 10 x harder.

Look up 'Not Fine In School' forum on Facebook for loads of experiences and stories of situations just like your own.

School sounds absolutely crap. They can’t claim they’ve tried everything AND that an EHCP won’t work. That’s literally them admitting they’re incompetent (“your child’s needs aren’t enough for an EHCP, but we can’t cope with her”).

Where are you at with the EHCP application? Did you apply yourself or did school do it? The threshold for agreeing to assess is relatively low so you should at least get to that point. Then, for the assessment, you need to really hammer the issues in the section of the report you do. Describe what the worst days look like, explain that she is risk of being out of education completely, etc.

Have you visited the SENDIAS website? Lots of info there.

• You have asked Mr X for an EP assessment, unfortunately we are not able to offer this through school at the moment but do feel that a referral to the Bristol Autism Team advice clinic is relevant. I have attached information about this as well as a permission form
•
• You asked previously for a referral for possible ADHD. With this in mind could you email me your concerns using this as a guide: DETAILS: Please include details regarding onset, duration, severity and effects on family. Relevant history: E.g. Medical, developmental issues and family structure. Please indicate what assessment intervention has already taken place, and how successful this has been. Give contact numbers of those involved where known. Insufficient information may lead to the referral being returned, resulting in delayed treatment of the child.
• I will conduct a language screener and consider whether a referral to Speech and Language is relevant
•
• I will also contact the school nurse to see if there is any further advice they can offer
•
• I have attached some information you may find helpful around anxiety in children and transitions
•
• Finally, below is a link to possible parenting courses that may be helpful. They do have waiting lists so I would suggest signing up asap

This was my response yesterday after complaining that no one except the TA actually tried to intervene in the HOUR that I spent with my daughter in the reception area trying to get her into class.

After four years of similar difficult transitions you think they would offer more. This is not new behaviour!

At the moment she isn’t. We waiting for some sort of alternative provision. A few months won’t do her any harm. Education will always be there and accessible right up and through adulthood. Her mental health is more important at the moment.

@Namechangedagain20 please don’t allow school to carry her in. I did that. It builds trauma. When she’s older you won’t be able to physically carry her into school. Naomi Fisher (clinical psychiatrist writes about this). What you are teaching her is to mask her feelings, eventually this will lead to burn out.

i changed my daughters school in year 2 and initially it was great. The school and senco are amazing, but my daughter is now burned out and school is too overwhelming no matter what they put in place.

Why is it "not possible" for her to see the EP?

Tbh I would call your local EP team and ask to speak with the EP that covers your DD school. Also have a look and see if your council has an EBSA /EBSNA policy (look in the local offer).

EBSA=emotionally based school avoidance