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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Tinder in a new relationship

54 replies

Islande · 26/05/2023 21:14

I started seeing a new partner early this year and we unexpectedly fell pregnant in April. We were both happy with the news but this is the first time for both of us.
Before we found out about the pregnancy, things had been up and down with our first big argument in March stemming from him using tinder immediately after leaving my house after a date, he said he just used it out of habit, but after this argument he said he would delete it.
I then found out today that he has still been using tinder but he said he had only been swiping out of habit again and nothing more. I asked to see the messages in that case and he got very defensive saying he didn’t want to be in a relationship with checking phones. Ideally I don’t either but I felt to reassure me I wanted to see whether there had been messages too but he couldn’t understand that.
I ultimately kicked him out because he refused to show me and wouldn’t talk about it further, I said the trust had been broken and I felt disrespected but I’m worried about doing this pregnancy and raising the child alone. Was I too harsh to kick him out as things are still quite new?

OP posts:

Tohaveandtohold · 26/05/2023 21:19

Yanbu to kick him out, I mean you shouldn’t have even let him back when you discovered he was using Tinder in March.
You getting pregnant, etc has happened so fast but if you don’t want to raise the child on your own, remember you have options, don’t let that be a reason for you to stay in an horrible relationship

MRSDoos · 26/05/2023 21:24

I am going to be honest with you OP - you’re pregnant, living together quite early on (these things happen at the end of day - and can end up working out) and instead of respecting you he’s already using dating apps. “Swiping out of habit” is a poor excuse. To me it sounds like he’s going to be one of them guys that is going to disrespect, lie and cheat on you. This is a big red flag 🚩 and I can only imagine if you forgive him he will just hurt you again in future.

Obviously not ideal or what you probably wanted to raise baby alone but people do it - you are strong and can do this.

CheesesandWines · 26/05/2023 21:24

You have over reacted here and kicked off because you want to invade his privacy. I would call him up and arrange to meet in person to apologise.

MRSDoos · 26/05/2023 21:26

@CheesesandWines in all fairness they are living together and expecting a baby. I don’t agree with checking phones or invading privacy but he’s pretty much borderline cheating on her here so why should she phone up to apologise or feel like she over reacted

Yellowrosesmakemehappy · 26/05/2023 21:27

Your relationship is going to be tested to its depths when you are heavily pregnant/have a new born so you both need to be prepared for that.

If he can’t stay off tinder now what about it when you’re not up for sex at all, healing from birth, leaking milk out of your boobs, sleep deprived etc?

Don’t let not wanting to be alone the reason you stay with someone you don’t trust. I also don’t fully blame him, the commitment it takes to be in a relationship and a parent usually takes time and needs to grow not just come from a few dates.

carolnotduffy · 26/05/2023 21:28

"Swiping out of habit" is his excuse? If he felt he had nothing to hide then he would have zero issue whatsoever of showing you evidence of him being faithful. You are facing the prospect of raising a child with him very soon and if this is his attitude to you then I doubt he'd be a good father. I'm with you here

PrimalOwl · 26/05/2023 21:38

Unfortunately this is what happens when you get in a relationship with someone and get pregnant quickly there true colour begin to show. What you got to ask yourself if you weren't pregnant what would you do? If it's ditch him regardless of having a baby I'd do it.

LightlySearedontheRealityGrill · 26/05/2023 21:58

He is not engaged in the relationship and is busy looking for someone else. Decide if you want to have the baby on your own or not, sounds like its still early days with the pregnancy.

CreamTeaThievery · 26/05/2023 22:20

I would end this relationship, yes it's early days but if you are living together with a baby on the way then he should be committed, tinder should have been long gone.

He clearly has something to his if he is not showing the messages.

You are still very early in your pregnancy, you have options available to you, if you decide you don't want to be a single parent.

steff13 · 26/05/2023 22:31

How does one use Tinder out of habit? If you are in a relationship, which it sounds like you are, then you delete the app off of your phone, don't you?

holliebo · 26/05/2023 22:50

CheesesandWines · 26/05/2023 21:24

You have over reacted here and kicked off because you want to invade his privacy. I would call him up and arrange to meet in person to apologise.

I couldn't actually believe this reply was for real!!! If she was snooping she'd already have read the messages. She saw he was using the app and asked him to show her that's not invading privacy.

holliebo · 26/05/2023 22:56

Sorry to say it but he's full of shit.

I used tinder on & off for 8 years before meeting DP so I was definitely in the habit of swiping without thinking prior to meeting him.

However, since being in a relationship I haven't once used it "accidentally"'or absent mindedly. Do you know why?? Because when the relationship became exclusive I deleted my account and also the app from my phone.

If he was serious he would have done this off his own back. Giving the benefit of the doubt that he hadn't thought to do so, surely that would've been the first thing he'd have down back in March when he first got caught accidentally swiping without thinking?

Even if, for some bizarre reason, this was all true and a man in relationship with a baby on the way was unable to control his habit of swiping and unable to delete an OLD app - surely he'd be offering his phone to his partner to prove his innocence?

I'd feel so bad for accidentally swiping through and OLD app and getting caught out that I'd be going out my way to prove my innocence and reassure my DP

Floralys2 · 26/05/2023 22:58

You're having a baby with somebody that you don't know

It not surprising that you're experiencing problems already

He's checked out of the relationship, that's why he's looking for somebody else

DrManhattan · 26/05/2023 23:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Skinthin · 26/05/2023 23:51

“Swiping out of habit” 🙄. Aka checking what else is out there , as he fancies trying something different.

LocalHobo · 26/05/2023 23:53

You are still very early in your pregnancy, you have options available to you, if you decide you don't want to be a single parent.

If you do decide to proceed with the pregnancy you'll need the details of his income, including State Pension, any benefits he gets and consider the number of nights your child will stay with him in the future.

squidgybits · 27/05/2023 00:34

CheesesandWines · 26/05/2023 21:24

You have over reacted here and kicked off because you want to invade his privacy. I would call him up and arrange to meet in person to apologise.

most certainly do not do this!

JeandeServiette · 27/05/2023 00:38

Make a clean break OP and prepare for your baby.

If he is behaving like this so early, and you stay with him, you have years and years of the same to look forward to. He doesn't respect you one bit. Don't bring a child into that dynamic. How are your finances for going it alone?

SarahDippity · 27/05/2023 00:45

CheesesandWines · 26/05/2023 21:24

You have over reacted here and kicked off because you want to invade his privacy. I would call him up and arrange to meet in person to apologise.

I don’t think you read the op fully!

Summer2424 · 27/05/2023 01:33

Hi @Islande he's in the wrong, he should have deleted the app ages ago especially now you're pregnant. You don't need the stress.
Congratulations on your pregnancy xx

Densol57 · 27/05/2023 01:41

Cheeseandwines is obviously a man 😂

Nobsandnockers · 27/05/2023 03:11

How many times does he need to do it before you’ve had enough. If he’s doing it now early doors, imagine what he will be like when you have baby poo in your hair, milk down your nighty and haven’t slept for more than 2 hours consecutively for seven nights.
You’ll be setting yourself up for a shite life.
Congrats on babe!

theGooHasGone · 27/05/2023 03:38

Sounds like he definitely doesn't want a kid. I'd think twice about whether you do given he's not going to be around.

Maggie178 · 27/05/2023 05:41

If he's still using dating apps he's not commited to your relationship. Maybe cut your losses and focus on co parenting. It's going to be tough with someone you don't really know.

someoneisalwaysintheloo · 27/05/2023 05:44

You think you're in a relationship and he doesn't.

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