Tinder in a new relationship

[Islande]

I started seeing a new partner early this year and we unexpectedly fell pregnant in April. We were both happy with the news but this is the first time for both of us.
Before we found out about the pregnancy, things had been up and down with our first big argument in March stemming from him using tinder immediately after leaving my house after a date, he said he just used it out of habit, but after this argument he said he would delete it.
I then found out today that he has still been using tinder but he said he had only been swiping out of habit again and nothing more. I asked to see the messages in that case and he got very defensive saying he didn’t want to be in a relationship with checking phones. Ideally I don’t either but I felt to reassure me I wanted to see whether there had been messages too but he couldn’t understand that.
I ultimately kicked him out because he refused to show me and wouldn’t talk about it further, I said the trust had been broken and I felt disrespected but I’m worried about doing this pregnancy and raising the child alone. Was I too harsh to kick him out as things are still quite new?

Relating to the trapping post yesterday, I struggle to believe how women these days just "fall" pregnant with soooo many options out there.

Also, I'm not surprised how it's gone... The relationship started early this year, (say Feb?), and you're surprised he was still swiping in March? It's early days... I've learned the hard way many people consider the first few months a trial period and may still date! Then you get pregnant in April after you KNOW he's been looking around, and he says he's happy?- na, no man is happy to be trapped so early...

Don't get me wrong, he's a dick and I have no doubt in my mind he'd probably cheat on you regardless, but there's a lot of naivety going on here, I think you both dodged a bullet...

He’s not your partner, he’s just a random you recently started seeing and accidentally got pregnant. You are being very naive to have any expectations of him. Sorry but you need to get real here and make some sensible and informed decisions.

This doesn't get better OP.

Agree with @JeandeServiette - he doesn't respect you and his behaviour will only get worse.

I got pregnant early on in my relationship and we decided it was best to terminate. We weren't sure about finances as my DP was in the middle of a 2yr probationary training period at work. Plus a few months in we didn't really know each other properly and I didn't want to take that risk for my child.

5yrs on we have 2 children but it's hard work and could put a lot of stress on your relationship if you're already questioning things. We were up half of last night with our youngest as he'd puked all over the cot twice.
OP would your partner be sat scraping cold regurgitated spag bol off a bedsheet at 1am when he has to go to work in a few hours? Could he stay off tinder long enough? There's so many hard and disgusting parts to being a parent and you need someone who will support you and do their fair share, not be looking for a way out.

I'm sure you know this 'relationship' is going nowhere. Don't put up with him making you question everything. You know he's lying so walk away. He doesn't respect you enough to tell you the truth. I had an ex who did the same. He actually said he'd never heard of tinder 🙄 then I found it on his phone along with call logs from when he'd got drunk and rung either women. There were also messages on Facebook, Instagram and POF. That type of bloke couldn't tell you the truth if their life depended on it.

Well I do happen to think if this is the method of how you got into a relationship, what can you expect really? I expect a quality calibre of a man would not use Tinder.

"we unexpectedly fell pregnant"
Both of you aren't pregnant😅

He obviously is not into you or the baby
Keep him at arms length
If you want this baby: prepare to be a single parent.
He doesn't sound like a man who wants a relationship nor a family

So don't go thinking he'll change
Because he won't.

Choose Wisely

Congratulations on your pregnancy op.

You need to write the man off. Better to be respectful co-parents than in an on / off relationship full of mistrust and arguments.

Do this on your own and when the baby comes you can work out some level of co-parenting (which will be you doing the vast majority of the parenting, hopefully he will want to have some input more than financial).

Stay with him and as your hormones go mad over the following months there's likely to be major arguments and stress. Not what you want to bring a baby into.

Focus on yourself, your health and your growing baby.

I posted on here a few years ago when I was pregnant to someone I barely knew, got a lot of "Good grief! SMH!" Comments which really got to me at the time and upset me. Not constructive at all.

He's turned out to be a really good father and our child is amazing. I don't want to go into some more specific details as it gets a bit outing but anyway he wasn't on Tinder or anything like that.

Well yes, now you are realising OP why it’s a bit silly to say “we fell pregnant “ You are pregnant and he is still looking around for someone “better”.

You have become pregnant before you barely know this man. I don’t doubt there are examples where this has worked out for people, but not in your case.

Are you still on Tinder, swiping around, seeing who is available, out of habit? No? Quite.

So many factors would affect my decision on whether to proceed with the pregnancy, but the bloke would be gone in terms of relationship with me. You can’t trust him, therefore there’s no basis for a relationship going forward.

I can tell you with 100% certainty, this baby will not mean that you will be happy together forever and forever. Do not make that mistake. Babies are hard, children are hard, teenagers even harder. You will be doing this alone without a shadow of a doubt.

He’s already cheating on you so why would you want a relationship with him?

Fuck me! If this is what you truly believe, then you need to raise your bar!!

I'm so over the male apologists on here! 🤬

He's got one eye on the door.

May as well end it now and save yourself and your unborn child the extra heartache and drama

I was in a post it imo years ago where I got pregnant around 5-6 months after meeting my BF on Tinder. Thankfully we fancied each other and nobody cheated.

OP, I'm not trying to judge as I've been there myself but cannot grasp how this happened. You got pregnant so quickly to this guy, who you call your partner. But he's cheating on you and doesn't seem to be interested at all. And you both wanted to continue to pregnancy in this scenario.

I am not one of these people who say this, but I would seriously consider your options with this pregnancy. This sounds absolutely shit. There will come a point where you'll probably wish that you did - most likely when he's swanning off with the next woman.

Yabu to be pregnant so soon after meeting.

He wanted sex not a baby.

This is brutal - because it is honest and truthful.

OK, maybe he is happy at the idea of being a dad. Contrary to BS media, most men I know are.

But it's actually a lot easier to be excited about a baby when a) you have zero sunk investment in the relationship and the mother herself - there's no real love to lose and b) the woman will take the lion's share of the work.

You're not in a committed relationship. It might have some serious factors to it, but really, you barely know him, and he's already being someone you don't like.

Dump him, and choose whether you want the baby alone. Do not factor him into your decision making whatsoever.

@Wavescrashingonthebeach just because your guy started out as a douche and now seems to be a different man, doesn't mean op's fling will be the same.

You got lucky maybe or cho(o)se to close your eyes to certain things. This can be true.

But dont congratulate op on pregnancy of a man she hardly knows. And of man that obviously doesn't want her nor to be a dad. That's not a congratulations kinda situations. More like a :im sorry to hear that- kinda thing.

Cut your losses OP. He's not engaged
enough to want to stop looking for other women. Do you really want someone with a Tinder browsing 'habit', even if he is not intending upon doing more?

Obviously it's so early and high stakes that you'd have no idea whether the relationship would work long term but he hasn't even got any intention of giving it a proper go. People don't keep looking through OLD if they have. Partly because it's no longer of interest and partly because they care about their partner's feelings. Neither apply here.

If you're definitely continuing with the pregnancy then let him know that you don't want to live together or be together any longer but would like to agree to co-parent with mutual respect and hopefully become friends in time. This cuts out the need for any drama, lying or accusations from him.

This whole thing can not be real.

Thank you for your comments (even some of the brutal ones)

to clear a couple of things up:

• yes this is very real and my life
• I thought long and hard about terminating but this was a miracle as I was told I couldn’t get pregnant naturally by my gynae 5 years ago (to do with some surgeries I’ve had and a previous ectopic) so no I certainly didn’t trap this man 😂.
• I am financially secure enough to do this completely alone, I’m just trying think of what the best case scenario is for the child. In hindsight I’m unsure whether coparenting is even the best option if he really isn’t going to step up. I guess emotions and upset were ruling yesterday and the daunting idea of being alone, but I agree with the majority of comments that nothing romantic is going to happen now
• Also, yes it happened very quickly (I slightly typod in the first post, we found out in April but conceived in March) but we’re here now in this situation so I can’t turn back the clock and change this, contrary to some comments questioning my life decisions are suggesting I do.

Well you made the right decision yesterday even if it was driven by emotion rather than logic at the time.

@SparklyBlackKitten

Oh don't worry, my child's dad is still a douche, and we aren't together. But we are both glad we had our child.

I do 99% of the parenting but he contributes financially and he does see his child and they have a good relationship.

If op is happy about the pregnancy then I am happy to congratulate her!!!

I got pregnant within 3 months of meeting my child's Dad and said child is cuddled up next to me right now. It's fucking hard, but the best thing that's ever happened to me.

we’re here now in this situation so I can’t turn back the clock and change this, contrary to some comments questioning my life decisions are suggesting I do.

This. Some downright nasty comments. If one doesn't have anything constructive, nice or helpful to say then why bother!

If you want to go ahead with the pregnancy OP (which it sounds like you do - what a surprise!) it's better for the child to be happy and secure. It's also best for you to have as little stress during your pregnancy as possible.

If he wants to be a dad that's fine, but he doesn't sound like he'd make a good boyfriend.

Given your update OP, I will say congratulations! Lots of people have babies in different ways. Even if he doesn’t coparent, it’s probably a much less traumatic and expensive way to have a baby by yourself than other options.