Children's parties!

[LookingforMaryPoppins]

DD wrote a list of who she would like to invite, included "friends" who I know have recently had reasonable sized parties and not invited DD (and didn't invite her last year either). Whilst my head tells me it's her party, she should invite who she wants and not to get involved, one child in particular apparantly told my DD that she wanted to invite her but couldn't as there were not enough places - I know she had a party at home so no limit on numbers. My heart is saying that she shouldn't waste her invites on "friends" that clearly are not friends.

AIBU to encourage her to exclude those that exclude her?

Just let her invite who she wants as long as it's affordable, yes it's a bit crap if it's not "reciprocal" but it's a kids party. Also unless the parent in question lives in a footballer's mansion, there definitely is a limit on people to be invited to a house party!

No don’t start party wars. Dd has not been invited to parties that we’ve invited the children to hers. It’s usually down to cost, or other parents inviting ones they get along with most! Especially if they’re littlies.

Let her invite who she wants and try not to read too much into everything. Life is a lot easier if you don’t micromanage your child’s friends, promise!

This ^ friendships change so quickly at this age; for all you know the invites were because the parents were more familiar with each other and inviting them will help you get to know them. As an adult you wouldn’t rule out making social plans with someone because once before they’d made plans with others without you. I know it’s a bit different but I’m increasingly feeling the importance of making sure kids don’t attach too much importance to being included in one off events or not. It’s great that she doesn’t seem to bear a grudge, I’d encourage that.

Don’t be silly, let her invite whoever she likes, she sounds more adult than you!

Thank you all, wise words! x

You sound immature
Just invite who your dd wants

A party in a house doesn’t necessarily mean no limit on numbers. Space, finances or someone in the house that can’t cope with lots of people. Let her invite who she wants.

You want to encourage your child to exclude others? That’s never a good idea.

tell her how many children she can invite then let her decide who

I had my kids parties at home.
I had definite limit on numbers! There’s only so many 7 year olds I can squeeze into my house. Not to mention costs….

Why does having a party at home mean the numbers can be unlimited!
surely this would mean numbers were limited!
my daughter had a home party one year, 9 kids, it was hell! More kids? Fuck no!
When she asked for a home party the following year the answer was no (in a nice let’s do this instead way)

Maybe they will now invite her next time? I think it’s better to try and instigate a possible upward spiral than further a downward one?

Unlimited as in there is nothing official preventing one additional child being invited - rather than the scenario where a party is booked elsewhere and they have a rule on numbers.

We have had parties at home and I agree, it's hell - whilst I wouldn't permit unlimited invites, I certainly wouldn't forbid one more child than the number I had in mind, particularly when it's a child that I know my daughter plays with.

But how many “one mores” do you let them add?

having a limit and not going over that - even for your child - isn’t a bad thing.

I would use my discretion. I know the children she plays with, and who she doesn't.

Last year we were "limited" to 100 children at the venue, I suggested she invited her year group which is common at that age - she was very certain she didn't want to, she only wanted her friends - the children she plays with.

I have never mandated set numbers on any of my children other than where a third party provider does - none of them have taken advantage of this and when writing their invite lists have simply written the names of the children they are friends with.

I do sanity check the lists to ensure there isn't anyone left out that shouldn't be but with three children it's always been fine.

It may be material that their primary school is very small, whilst they all have friends outside of school invites tend to be school friends.

YABU. I would probably feel the same as you, but remember, these are your feelings not your daughters. I know I would have loads of crap in the background influencing my feelings on this (past wounds and feelings of being left out as a child etc). So, it can sting when you're in this situation. But don't make that your daughters problem. She has friends she wants to invite, you can accommodate that. It's that simple. Stop second guessing other parents motives and intents. You don't know why your daughter wasn't invited, and you can drive yourself potty assigning reasoning to it. More than likely, there was no ill will behind it, and it was just one of those things. With an at home party, parents often limit numbers (I know i have when we have parties, as it's so stressful and hectic).

Try to move past the negatives, and throw your daughter a lovely party, with her friends, that makes her happy. You can only control your own actions and your own responses to things, so try not to give headspace to these other people and their actions. Focus on giving your daughter a fab day

Having a party at home doesn't mean there is no limit on numbers

A party at home absolutely has a limit on numbers!! Have you ever hosted a party at home!? I hosted a christmas party at home once and had 12 kids plus both parents...in a typical 3 bedroom terraced house!! Another 2 people and noone would have been able to move!

I'd help my kids write their list in an order
Everyone who invited you to their party, as that's polite
Other children you'd like to be there to get up the number

That way the solid friendships are there together with others they'd like to improve.

It's tricky OP, I have done whole class parties and smaller ones, with the smaller ones I do assist DC with who they want to invite, go through the list of classmates and if they don't chose a child who has invited them to their party I will always add them, and tell DC why.

We had a situation recently where if I'd have invited a child (who didn't invite DC to their party that took place the weekend before) I'd have gone into the next bracket of numbers so it would have been £90 more as would have required another adult leader, so I didn't.

I make sure we don't leave a small group out, so will eg invite half the class, or all the girls, so there's a big enough group not going.

I do find the DC care less than I do if they are not invited tbf!

I've always viewed my children's parties as something we are doing for them. So they invite who they want, and unlike I have seen on some MN threads, I do not expect any gifts to "cover the cost of the guest".

An “at home” party absolutely has a limit on numbers, and if you invite “one more” then there are often a whole loads of others that need to come too - invite Ruby, and Sarah and Grace are going to wonder why they aren’t invited as they are in the same gym class, then invite Grace and Lucy and Gabriella have to come too, because they all go to swimming together etc etc etc.

Absolutely! Such an immature trait to realise your head and heart are in conflict and ask advice.

I wouldn't be so immature as to post how you come across.

That's a good idea, I like that.

I also make sure that invites are reciprocated - I suspect this is the reason why I have a head / heart scenario, clearly not everyone does this.

Don't forget that some kids have loads of siblings and cousins, their parties might be almost full before they even get round to inviting friends from school.

I wouldn’t get into thinking about who has and hasn’t invited her to their parties.
I’d just go with the rule of either inviting friends or every girl in the class.