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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To cut my brother out?

32 replies

bonzaitree · 25/05/2023 19:58

We’re due to go on a family holiday tomorrow. No kids, attendees are mum, dad, 2 brothers, one brothers gf and various dogs.

Holiday has been arranged for months. Mum and dad have paid for a villa for us all to share. We had to fund transport only but are car sharing so saving on petrol. Essentially a very low cost holiday.

Mum and dad asked who wanted to come then got the villa based on numbers.

yesterday one of my brothers pulled out. No good reason given. He doesn’t have covid. He doesn’t have a valid reason. Just an « oh sorry dad ». Feels like the holiday has bee soured.

If he has said no when asked none of us would have minded and mum and dad would have saved money on the villa. He completely takes advantage of their generosity- some parents aren’t able to take their kids on any holidays at all and we’re still getting them in our 30s!

He has a long history of childish, selfish, entitled behaviour precisely like this. He is 35, so won’t change.

AIBU to go low contact, be polite at family gatherings but have nothing more to do with him? I just feel done.

OP posts:

ClaraBourne · 25/05/2023 20:01

It seems rather extreme, him dropping out isn't personal to you is it? If you don't like him then surekly it'll be a better holiday without him.

Original poster

bonzaitree · 25/05/2023 20:05

It’s not personal to me but it takes the piss out my parents generosity.

OP posts:

ArcticSkewer · 25/05/2023 20:05

That might make your parents more sad.

Being honest, I would pay for my kids to come on holiday but I'd also understand if they chose not to. If I was paying £££ for something per room or flight I would make it clear they better go .. or else. But if I hired a villa and it was self drive, it wouldn't really bother me if one of them pulled out. Sure, it's a bit sad they won't be there, but it's not a big deal.

It's possible you are more upset than your parents are, and that conversely you might make them even more sad if you cut off your brother.

Original poster

bonzaitree · 25/05/2023 20:10

They could have got a smaller, cheaper villa if he had said initially I’m not going. So they have wasted money.

i don’t know how upset they are. We’ll see tomorrow.

OP posts:

catsnhats11 · 25/05/2023 20:22

Unless there is more to the story I think you're reaction to go low contact is a bit extreme. I'd wadger that your parents, and especially your mother, will not be as upset with him as you are. They were probably happy to pay anyway for space for everyone in the hope he would come.

Dotcheck · 25/05/2023 20:27

Way too OTT.

You claim to be doing this for your parents- your parents who obviously value family time. You going low contact will make future family gatherings awkward, if not impossible.

Why do you REALLY want to cut your brother out?

Hearti · 25/05/2023 20:27

I would probably text him and say how dissspointed you feel he can’t come

penniesmakeshillingsandshillingsmakepounds · 25/05/2023 20:35

You say he has form for this kind of behaviour OP, letting your parents down like that is a bit shit. You have every right to be angry and want to distance yourself.

Hellno45 · 25/05/2023 20:40

I think it's a bit extreme. If your parents are pissed off its for them to tell him if you don't like or want to have contact with someone you don't need to make excuses. Just own it. You think your brother is a selfish. Self centered dick and you'd prefer not to engage with him.

Modaboutyou · 25/05/2023 20:41

Your reaction is definitely OTT. Why has the holiday, that you haven't been on yet, soured because 1 person has dropped out? What would be the price difference if you're parents had got one less room villa? You're not even paying.

MwahHaHa · 25/05/2023 20:43

ClaraBourne · 25/05/2023 20:01

It seems rather extreme, him dropping out isn't personal to you is it? If you don't like him then surekly it'll be a better holiday without him.

It is personal to her. He was meant to be going on holiday with her, and now isn't. He has dropped her,and the rest of them, without even a reason.

how is that not personal to her?

And I bet its just the last in a long line of selfishness and lack of care.

CatherinedeBourgh · 25/05/2023 20:44

I have a sibling like this. My guess is that you're focussing on this because it is a symbol of the selfishness he brings to bear to everything. Gets wearying.

Slow fade is a good approach. Polite when you have to see them, but give them a miss when you don't. My life is no poorer for their absence from it, quite the contrary.

GrumpyPanda · 25/05/2023 20:44

Holy shit. I feel like flagging this post for all the abusive family experts on Relationships who will swear blind nobody ever cuts contact for frivolous reasons. So thank you OP.

GCalltheway · 25/05/2023 20:44

Cut your brother out??
It’s his choice op.
Your parents may be mildly irritated but why would you be? It’s their decision/ money. It’s just an overreaction.

I suspect a reverse.

MwahHaHa · 25/05/2023 20:47

GrumpyPanda · 25/05/2023 20:44

Holy shit. I feel like flagging this post for all the abusive family experts on Relationships who will swear blind nobody ever cuts contact for frivolous reasons. So thank you OP.

Holy shit yourself, I'd bet big that there is plenty of back story. You should know better than to jump to such daft conclusions....

GCalltheway · 25/05/2023 20:50

Back story or not, you can’t cut out a family member because they don’t want to go on holiday! There might be good reasons for their decisions. It’s not reasonable. Even if they are selfish, sometimes we have to work around it, after all no one is perfect!

Quitelikeit · 25/05/2023 20:56

Kindly, maybe your brother is not coming because of you?

HadEnough2023 · 25/05/2023 20:59

Maybe he doesn't want to go because you act like this? Drama Queen.

whynotwhatknot · 25/05/2023 21:08

Is there back story to this

i backed out a of a family holiday once because i just didnt want the stress of it all-noone really cared

pikkumyy77 · 25/05/2023 21:25

The cost of the extra room in the villa is a sunk cost—him dropping out only notionally changes the cost/value of the holiday. Its not like he was supposed to pay a percentage and him dropping out means they can’t go. Are the parents acting like its all pointless because the brother can’t go? Why can’t OP just enjoy the extra time and space with her parents ?

3luckystars · 25/05/2023 21:28

I’d be glad he wasn’t going if he was like that.

It’s one extra spare room, I doubt it is that much expense. Just enjoy it and forget about him.

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 25/05/2023 21:38

Obvs do what you want, he's your brother. If he is like most brothers he won't even notice you going low contact.
Sounds like the cost is marginal and the chances are you get a much nicer 4 bed villa than 3 bed (bigger living area etc).

LadyJ2023 · 25/05/2023 21:53

I think your reaction is extreme tbh and also none of your business

aveline161 · 25/05/2023 22:01

Is it the brother with the girlfriend? So are you losing two from the party? Or just one?

OhhhhhhhhBiscuits · 25/05/2023 22:02

If I what I think is going on, this is the straw that broke the camels back and this brother has been a selfish arsehole most of his life and its a little thing that's caused you to say fuck it now.

If the above is correct I know exactly how you feel and I am no contact with my brother now, and it was a holiday that broke the camels back for me. They won't change, is he golden balls to your parents as well? My brother is for my mum and I do judge her for it considering how he treats her and the rest of the family.

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