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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Silent treatment - Do I deserve it?

26 replies

Justwanttobehappyplease · 25/05/2023 12:43

Have posted before under another name about this but am having a tough day.

Getting divorced (after I couldn’t cope with the blame/stonewalling/moodiness anymore). Still in the same house while finances are sorted (waiting for date for final hearing). Hopefully not too long to go now.

He has ignored me completely for the last year - won’t talk to me, look at me, acknowledge I exist - even in front of the DC (7 and 5). He will respond to emails or texts, but sometimes takes a long time.

Is this the silent treatment? Or is he doing no contact? (He often said I was a bully/abuser but my therapist/women’s aid don’t think I was)

It is driving me mad. I feel awful, especially for the children. I’m so full of self doubt and I just have no idea how it ended up like this.

Just looking for any advice. Is this normal? Do I deserve this?

AIBU to not be coping with this? Or have I brought it on myself?

OP posts:
Summerhillsquare · 25/05/2023 12:54

Of course not. You can distance yourself from someone without being rude and passive aggressive.

junebirthdaygirl · 25/05/2023 12:59

He is completely wrong. It's not only abuse of you but of the children as well keeping this atmosphere going for a year. It takes a very abusive person to keep that up.
This is not your fault but you need to get him out . Is there laws in the UK about coercive control? Have you seen a solicitor as you may have grounds for getting a judge to order him to leave due to his horrible abusive behaviour.
Actually the school would not look kindly on a home where parents don't speak for a year. It would be grounds for contacting social workers l think.

Nordicrain · 25/05/2023 13:01

Oh god, sounds like an awful environment for your kids. And it's been going on a year?! I don't think it really matters who, what or why in this situation (even though it sounds like he is being a huge ass) but you need to get him out or leave with the kids.

CurlyQueues · 25/05/2023 13:25

Of course you don't deserve it and you haven't brought it on yourself. He is still abusing you. Are you still in touch with your therapist/Women's Aid? You still need their support until you and your children are away from this 'man'. Little surprise you're struggling, it's awful to live with Flowers

Original poster
Justwanttobehappyplease · 25/05/2023 14:05

Thank you for the support, I really appreciate it. I’m trying to get out as soon as I can but need finances sorted to make that possible. Advice I have got is that it’s not enough to get an occupation order (which hasn’t helped with me feeling like I deserve/it’s not that bad etc). Just needed some reassurance that it’s not ok.

OP posts:
Conkersinautumn · 25/05/2023 14:15

It's not sane is it? If you share a house with someone and want to give your children a comfortable and stress free home life you need to communicate civilly, he's not he's sullen, unhelpful and withdrawn. Anyone considered to be a victim of abuse is encouraged to get out, by whatever means. Not to hang around like this.

piedbeauty · 25/05/2023 14:34

Bloody hell, this is awful behaviour. He's being a complete cunt - and to behave like that in front of your Dc FOR A YEAR - God, I'd there was a sulking Olympics, he'd win it.

Poor you. Big hugs. 💐

Merangutan · 25/05/2023 14:43

It’s likely that he keeps it up because he knows it makes you feel sad and worried. That’s abusive. I genuinely wonder whether he’d carry on doing this sort of stuff if he tried it on someone who was feeling a bit stronger and who then told him he was pathetic and needed to grow up. I very much doubt it. So, instead of feeling self doubt and believing that maybe you are the abuser, remind yourself that he’s doing this on purpose to try and make you feel shit, but instead of that making him powerful it actually makes him really pathetic and contemptible. You’re above him: you want to communicate like an adult. He’s beneath you: he wants to keep up with the silent treatment because he lacks the skills to be a mature, functioning adult.

unsync · 25/05/2023 14:44

Not you, he's a grade A abusive twat. Well done for getting rid.

cstaff · 25/05/2023 14:46

To do that in front of the kids is absolutely abhorrent - you know how people stay together "for the sake of the kids" - I'm not saying this is a good idea but what your H is doing is abusive to you and especially your kids. They wont be able to un-see his behaviour even when you are properly separated. You can't undo this BS behaviour. How does he think your kids will react in a number of years if this sticks in their little heads. He needs to grow a pair an act like an adult.

WallaceinAnderland · 25/05/2023 15:04

How does it work living together. Who shops for the food, cooks, cleans and does the laundry. Do you each do your own? How does the childcare work without any communication?

Original poster
Justwanttobehappyplease · 25/05/2023 15:08

WallaceinAnderland · 25/05/2023 15:04

How does it work living together. Who shops for the food, cooks, cleans and does the laundry. Do you each do your own? How does the childcare work without any communication?

I shop for food for me and the kids, he does his own. He does the kids laundry and his. I do my own. We have a cleaner and then just do bits as they need doing. Childcare is arranged by email (usually me sending a timetable and follow ups until he eventually responds…) That practical stuff is all just about manageable. It’s the emotional side of it. Obviously I try to go out as much as possible, either with or without the kids (if they are with him) to avoid the environment but sometimes it is unavoidable that we are both there and there is no avoiding him acting like I don’t exist.

OP posts:
Original poster
Justwanttobehappyplease · 25/05/2023 18:50

CurlyQueues · 25/05/2023 13:25

Of course you don't deserve it and you haven't brought it on yourself. He is still abusing you. Are you still in touch with your therapist/Women's Aid? You still need their support until you and your children are away from this 'man'. Little surprise you're struggling, it's awful to live with Flowers

Women’s Aid have been amazing and I’m waiting for a slot for some further counselling. Also have my therapist who is great and helping, but I’m just having a tough day. I never imagined it would be like this. I just sometimes think that I must be so awful for someone to treat me like this. He seems ok to everyone else. But I’ve asked (but email) what I need to do for him to speak to me and offered to go to counselling) but haven’t had a response.

OP posts:
CurlyQueues · 25/05/2023 21:38

I just sometimes think that I must be so awful for someone to treat me like this.

You know what's wrong with you? You're stronger than him. That's all it is, he is a weak, emotionally stunted abuser. It's not your fault he's like this. There may well be issues from his childhood but millions of us have had problematic childhoods who don't go on to abuse the ones we're supposed to love above all others. Most importantly, it's not you. If he'd married Agnes from three doors down he'd be treating her the same. If he'd married Betty from Accounts, he'd be doing the same to her. It's unbearably personal, but also not personal at all. If that makes sense. Stop thinking it's you, lovely, it's not. It's him. It's all about him.

He seems ok to everyone else.

That's part of their schtick. "He's such a nice guy! How on earth can you think he's abusive, he's lovely! He'll do anything for anyone!" Nobody knows someone like their victim. We believe you Flowers

But I’ve asked (but email) what I need to do for him to speak to me and offered to go to counselling) but haven’t had a response.

Please do not enter into counselling with an abuser. You would end up worse off. Unless the counsellor understands and can recognise it as an abusive relationship, he'll have them believing his lies too.

Don't ask anything of him. He'll be loving that his not talking to you is bothering you. Don't let him see that. And if he's not talking after a year, he's not going to start now.

Have you heard of grey rock? You'd be better googling it than me trying to tell you about it, I've gone on long enough, and I know it sounds daft recommending it when he's not even speaking to you but I think it'll help you build up inner strength to get you through.

Tigger1895 · 25/05/2023 21:59

He’s doing this in the hope you settle for less than you are entitled to in order to get out of the marriage. Be polite to him but don’t ask any questions (particularly in front of the children). Keep it to emails and texts, it’ll show how long it took him to reply. Play him at his own game

DiscoCactus742 · 25/05/2023 22:15

You have an end in sight, you just need to wait a bit longer

Stay strong

DiscoCactus742 · 25/05/2023 22:21

No you don't deserve it

However, he will not change

Suzi9989 · 25/05/2023 22:32

Very sorry you are going through this. End is in sight. You are so much more, wishing you a very bright happy future ✨️

Original poster
Justwanttobehappyplease · 26/05/2023 07:04

Thank you for all the support. I’m just really struggling with it all. We were together 15 years and now he can’t even look at me in front of the kids, who think he’s amazing. I just feel broken by it all.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 26/05/2023 07:24

If he's OK with the kids, could you stay at a friend's or family just until things are sorted financially? He shouldnt be giving you the silent treatment, but just thinking practically how you can change things.

Aprilx · 26/05/2023 07:43

I am really struggling to understand how anybody could keep up the silent treatment for that long, I just couldn’t do it. You don’t need to go to counselling with him though, the marriage is over, you need to focus on separating your households as soon as possible, it must be horrendous for the children living like that.

Theunamedcat · 26/05/2023 07:48

How old are the kids that they see this behaviour and still think dad is amazing? My kids would go nuts if my ex tried to treat me like this my ex husband only had to raise his voice at me over the phone and my son spoke to him in private asking him not to (his dad was appalled at his audacity)

CurlyQueues · 26/05/2023 10:05

I just feel broken by it all.

That's what he wants. He wants you to suffer. What he's doing is working.

Don't reward him for this behaviour. Do whatever you can to start getting your self esteem back, speak to friends and family, speak to us.

Do something for yourself. A wee feel good thing, whether it's to pick a flower to wear behind your ear or drive a different way back from your daily commute, look at different scenery (not too much if you're driving!) and see that there is more out there. Stop thinking about him so much and put yourself first. Start becoming yourself again, you can do this Flowers

Original poster
Justwanttobehappyplease · 26/05/2023 10:47

I don’t want to leave the kids. I’m devastated enough that custody will be 50-50 once finances are sorted. I won’t just leave them and move out. He has already told the kids I’m a bully and I can’t have them thinking I would abandon them. No local family and couldn’t take kids to stay at a friends for months. I wish there was another solution but I’ve got to wait it out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Justwanttobehappyplease · 26/05/2023 10:48

Thank you for all the kind words. It is really helping. I’m supposed to be wfh today but I’ve basically just been curled up in a ball.

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