To tell friend that I’m uninterested in their winging?

[Letusbehappy]

We have been friends for 10 years, been friends through a lot of life together but friends life never changes despite them continually moaning about it. They are 34.

After all these years I’m beginning to find it really beyond frustrating. For example,

Friend works as dinnerlady at school (12-2) weekdays. Fine. But continually complains that they don’t have enough money to live. Friend has no children but has all of school holidays off, no disabilities etc meaning they couldn’t work full time.

Friend continually complains weekly about lack of money so I’ve suggested often that them looking for another job where they could earn a bit more but would mean they’d need to sacrifice all school holidays off- and despite offering to help them with their CV, and interview practice or even driving them to interview if they need it- they won’t do anything to change situation but continually moan that they like having all the holidays off as it’s downtime and relaxing.

The same now is about the distance to current job, having to walk it as no bus route. They can’t afford driving lessons which is fair enough but again, there are plenty of hospitality jobs on the bus route.

I don’t know why I find it so frustrating, I think it’s because they won’t help themself. AIBU to next time they complain about money to say well get off your lazy bum?

I think calling her a lazy bum would be rather rude. Perhaps she feels stuck and doesn’t know a way to break free from a cycle despite all the things people say to her. I mean it’s all very well and good saying ‘get a different job’ or ‘work full time’ or she has no money but it’s not always as easy as that (and often takes money).

That said, yeah, constant moaning is annoying. Perhaps you’ve just outgrown her. It happens. Just move on.

I think she'd get short shrift from most people! What does she need down time from - her easy 2 hr a day job? Who supports her financially?

Sometimes people don't want solutions they just want to have a moan. Obviously having the school holidays is more important to your friend than money. I'm always complaining about too much month at the end of the money; doesn't mean I want my CV reviewing.

My friend lives with their mum. It isn’t that, of course if my friend was content then sure who cares where they work or what they do? But they’re borrowing from credit and this month have pawned items of jewellery to pay for their own bills.

So that’s why, I can’t think for the life of me while they’d rather have 12 weeks off a year and suffer essentially than have 4 weeks off annual leave like most people and be able to support themselves?

Flippin heck, I want her life! does she never look around and notice most people her age are working 40+ hours a week? She must realise a very part time job with all of the holidays will not pay well.
I would have to tell her to shut up next time she started moaning.

YANBU, she sounds incredibly lazy and honestly I’m not sure how much I could have in common with someone like that so the friendship probably wouldn’t last long!

It is one of those things where you think, fine, so what you want and work very (very!) part time, but don’t moan that you have no money. One is a natural consequence of the other, surely?

Why does someone with no kids want all the school holidays off? When I was working I liked going to work in the school holidays as most of the rush hour traffic disappeared, and took all my holidays when school was in - cheaper holidays in term-time for one thing.

If they moan about money again, just ask them what they want to do about it. Be blunt and tell her that if she doesn't change things what does she expect to change. Is it a lack of confidence that is stopping her from applying elsewhere? If it is, encouraging her to retrain or redo some qualifications as this might help to open some more opportunities.

Could she get a second job (bar work, waitressing, supermarket shifts etc) that she could gradually transition to getting more hours?

Changing job would be the easiest route to getting more money, but there are lots of things they could do if they don't want to do that (I'm sure "take in some ironing" will appear somewhere in the thread😁) but nothing will change in her finances unless she changes it.

I'd just say you don't want to talk about money problems if she won't help herself and leave it at that and change the subject every single time.

You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves.

I would turn it on her . What do YOU think you can do about that ?

TBH she sounds alot like a friend of mine - difference is my friend is over 50 and despite all the propping up in the world she has received from her friends (including me) and her family still thinks the world owes her a living and moans all the time about the 'luck' of other people.

I've decided to let the friendship go now after 40 years of trying to help her.

I'd tell your friend the next time she moans about money is to say ;well you know what the solution is to that' and leave it to her. She's an adult. She needs to behave like one.

She sounds stuck in a rut and is unable to put the pieces together mentally herself to improve things which she will have to do to make changes. No amount of advice will do this for her. That or she has accepted the low pay/ long hols payoff but needs to let off steam as part of living with it. Which isn't really fair if its always you and is endless.

Have you always tried to provide solutions or have you ever been really frank about this? She sounds very frustrating but could be worth a try saying 'I know you're aware there are better paying jobs with longer hours out there. Your choice is to prioritise the hours. Fine but that is your choice. You're well aware there are other school based jobs you could work towards- secretary, teacher, TA so let's not go over all this again. I'm happy to help if you do want to make changes but to be honest, it is getting quite tiring hearing about your lack of money knowing you're choosing the dinner lady job for the holidays. That's the payoff so can you own it, please. I'm happy to hear about your life and any problems but not this constantly'.

I know it sounds harsh but I have wasted a lot of hours letting people vent about issues they have no intention of solving.

Otherwise it'll either be a never ending cycle of you listening to this, providing solutions for her to veto, which validates and galvanises her decisions in her head making her clearer she is doing the right thing.

It doesn't sound like she wants a solution, either from herself or OP. She just wants to moan.

Tell her that she's made a choice to have no stress and long holidays but she can't have everything. That sort of a job doesn't come with an executive salary. Say it very firmly then change the subject. If she still brings it back to moaning I'd have to walk away.

What on earth does she do during all these school holidays ... she hasn't got money to enjoy it so what's the point.

She works 2 hours a day and has no kids and she's moaning! I'd have to tell her straight. What a lazy arse.

She could get another job in a school, if she wanted. She may have to work towards it but if she wants more money and still have the school holidays off, there are options.
I'd get fed up if all that moaning too.

I agree with PP, I'd flip it round and ask her what she plans on doing about if she finds it so hard. Tell her that unless she is proactively trying to change, then she needs to shut up.

I do know another person who is similar and wondered if she might be waiting to be 'rescued'.

She is still waiting for a man to come and remove her from her 'situation' so she can be a SAHM/housewife who doesn't have to work.

Her mum raised her to think that way and never encouraged good grades or a job.

Unfortunately, she is very single as her attitude it is not very attractive to a prospective husband. Incredibly, she is only 35!!

YABU for not knowing why you find it so irritating. They sound insufferable.

I agree and would flip it on her and ask what she thinks would help

If she wants school holidays off, suggest she applies for teaching assistant work. Schools are fairly desperate for TAs.

Well I think your Friend sounds lazy but her parents are enabling her so I'd leave it as their business. If she moans about not enough money I'd tell her work more hours then. Does your friend realise she won't be paying a NIC stamp and so will not be eligible for state pension. 2 hours a day is fine if you have caring responsibility but she seems to have none.

Can we not just use she/her for this? You called her a "dinnerlady", not a dinnerperson so she's presumably she/her. The they/them thing is awful to read.

Anyway, to be more helpful, she would piss me off because she's not doing anything to help herself. I'd have to tell it to her straight - you have choices in life and if something you have chosen isn't working, you need to think about making another choice. So what is she going to choose? To continue working short hours with holidays off and struggle for money or to choose to work more hours and have more money because you can't have everything.
Similarly you can choose not to drive a car (often people can't afford one and I totally understand that) but this means you have to make other choices such as a choice of workplace which is accessible by public transport or closer to home. Or you could choose to run a car, but for that, very clearly you would need to be earning more and so you'd have to choose an appropriate job which pays enough to afford the car.

Tell her she needs to either make different choices in life or be happy with what she has and you don't want to hear another fucking word about it

I couldn’t be friends with her. There is no reason why someone in their thirties with no kids or disabilities should be working 2 hours a day with 12 weeks off a year. It’s ridiculous, they are not part of the real world.

YANBU. I can’t be doing with people who whinge but won’t help themselves.