To tell friend that I’m uninterested in their winging?

[Letusbehappy]

We have been friends for 10 years, been friends through a lot of life together but friends life never changes despite them continually moaning about it. They are 34.

After all these years I’m beginning to find it really beyond frustrating. For example,

Friend works as dinnerlady at school (12-2) weekdays. Fine. But continually complains that they don’t have enough money to live. Friend has no children but has all of school holidays off, no disabilities etc meaning they couldn’t work full time.

Friend continually complains weekly about lack of money so I’ve suggested often that them looking for another job where they could earn a bit more but would mean they’d need to sacrifice all school holidays off- and despite offering to help them with their CV, and interview practice or even driving them to interview if they need it- they won’t do anything to change situation but continually moan that they like having all the holidays off as it’s downtime and relaxing.

The same now is about the distance to current job, having to walk it as no bus route. They can’t afford driving lessons which is fair enough but again, there are plenty of hospitality jobs on the bus route.

I don’t know why I find it so frustrating, I think it’s because they won’t help themself. AIBU to next time they complain about money to say well get off your lazy bum?

She could work as a TA in a full time capacity and still have holidays off. She doesn’t need all that time off when she’s working 10 hours a week. No one can support themselves on that. She sounds lazy and work shy. That’s the job of a stay at home parent for hobby money

I know plenty of people who moan about their jobs, but they’re stuck in a comfort zone that they don’t want to get out of.

I agree with the "what are you going to do about it?" approach. If she's just stuck in a rut, that might kick her to be a bit more active; if she's just an entitled whinger, well, you can decide if you feel like listening to any more of that.

I think I’d just be breezy about it. Like ‘yes I know, I’d really struggle if I only worked a couple of hours a day.’ Realistically she’s not daft and knows others work a lot of hours so of course she’ll not have much money working a tiny tiny amount.

Next time she complains don't respond and just change the subject.

She should be able to put two and two together and work out that the reason she's got so little money is because she doesn't work enough. If she'd prefer the holidays to the money, it's her call but she has to pay the price for that.

She could always look for admin roles in a school and then she'd work a bit more, earn a bit more and still get the holidays. That could be an option. It sounds like she wants to have her cake and eat it, too, though.

I used to work part-time in a school when I was at uni. The great thing was the holidays-the bad thing was the money. It's even worse because of all the holidays-they pay less to account for that-which is absolutely reasonable. However, I wouldn't have considered complaining about the money situation because it was my choice and it was only temporary until I finished uni.

So can she not get a cleaner job at the same school, even if she spent some of the holidays in working it would leave the day free.

But to do that she would have to go to college to train as a TA, if she was willing to train for anything i suspect she would have done so by now.

Start to change your response

If they moan about lack of money - 'it's the price you have to pay for working term time and part time' or 'you're very lucky though with the hours you work'

Moan about walking - 'that's the joys of having a job that allows you to work term time' or 'it's healthy' or 'it's good for the environment'

Some people don't actually want you to fix the issue for them, they just want to whinge. It can be soul destroying though if you hear it day in, day out so yanbu

She does sound like one of those women who think that they are going to marry, have kids and that will excuse them form ever working again. But bizarre that she has this lifestyle with no dependents and no partner.
I presume you'd know if there were any reasons why she couldn't work full time? Like a disability or caring responsibility?
It does seem sad that she is missing out on so much of life by limiting her options. Hey ho. I'd just change the subject when she starts complaining.

It must be a tiny amount of money though. As I said earlier, that’s obviously the result of working a tiny amount of hours but I do find it amazing that she’s not looked for anything else yet, because living off that amount of money must be very difficult. Plus her hours are set out so she’s having to work every single day - she could work two proper days doing something else and still be working more hours than she is now, and still have 5 days off every week.

Really? A 34 year old working in an unskilled job for 2 hours a day term time only and living with her mum is the life you want? It certainly wouldn’t make me happy!

Yabu for calling your friend they /them ..misses the point but doesnt care

stop being friends with this lazy bish already and get some new friends

So a fully fit and healthy adult works 10 hours per week term time? And has no other caring responsibilities? And complains about not having enough money?

She sounds tedious!

The only person who can change the situation is the person who’s in the situation. The person would rather cry all day & hope that someone is listening, but the situation is just the same

Sorry, my friend is actually male, so it was my attempt at trying to hide that but I failed terribly!

Christ Almighty he works a whole 2 hours a day only in term times and thinks it's OK to whine that he hasn't got much money?

Next time he starts just tell him to stop moaning and get a full time job so he earns more money.

I couldn't be doing with that level of fuckwittage.

Next time he moans about not having money I'd respond with "That's to be expected when you work 10 hours per week" and then I'd immediately change the subject.

He isn't looking for advice or solutions, it's not some big mystery why he's broke. He just wants to complain. If he doesn't take the hint and won't allow a subject change then you'll need to ask yourself if you're getting anything positive from this friendship.

I choose to think this. Some people don't have what it takes to reach what is considered "the norm" in the Uk, which is supporting yourself. Sometimes fully supporting yourself is so difficult but you don't really understand why others can manage. This could be down to a whole number of reasons but undiagnosed ND, mental health, or problematic upbringing could be some examples.
If you realise that their moaning is really an outlet and a way for them to express their feelings, possibly sadness at the fact that they can't manage what the majority do, and feel they have fewer choices because of it, but without having to actually say it, because of the stigma involved.
Let them moan. In the same way I listen to super busy people go on about how they haven't got a minute to themselves, when it appears all self inflicted.

I couldn’t be friends with someone who was so bloody lazy.

If I were her I would be scared of changing job and would think I didn’t have the skills because I had been in that part time job for so long. Of course that wouldn’t be true and she could be a good fit for a number of other people facing roles.

Can we not just use she/her for this? You called her a "dinnerlady", not a dinnerperson so she's presumably she/her. The they/them thing is awful to read.

Christ, why are people so obsessed with this? It’s perfectly simple to understand.

What are they doing with all their time off and holidays though?

Are they an artist or musician or actor or something?

I couldn’t listen to this. What a nightmare she is.