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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil stressing us out

44 replies

canyoudance · 25/05/2023 10:22

When mil disagrees with your life choices.

We're making decisions re career that will improve life for everyone but mil disagrees. She's done nothing since we announced it but be rude, standoffish and judgemental.

It's really stressing me out. The change is stressful enough.

What should we do?

OP posts:
2PintsOfCidernaBagofCrisps · 25/05/2023 10:23

I don't think you've given enough information. Are you moving to a more junior role in your current place of work or are you emigrating and she's losing the core of her family to the other side of the world?

CardiffMam · 25/05/2023 10:26

I'm going to guess that her son is going part time or to be a SAHP and she doesn't like it. It's nothing to do with her, you've discussed it and you're both happy, just keep saying that.

Original poster
canyoudance · 25/05/2023 10:26

We're not emigrating. Just changing circumstances.

She doesn't quite understand why leaving a job situation that's nearly given me a nervous breakdown would be a good choice.

I think like everyone post pandemic, she is frustrated with the UK and taking it out on me.

She actually told me to suck it up and be happy.

OP posts:
Original poster
canyoudance · 25/05/2023 10:27

No, I'm changing circumstances to make myself happy.

OP posts:
CurlewKate · 25/05/2023 10:28

Think carefully about what she says- does she have any useful points? Don't automatically assume that everything she says is wrong. Then just be calm, pleasant and broken record. "Thank you MIL, we see what you mean about X, but we are going to be doing Y and Z. Wound you like a cup of tea?" "Yes, MIL we see that you're upset/disappointed/don't agree, but we are doing X,Y and Z" "I'm sorry you feel that way, but we are doing X,Y and Z" Never lose your cool. Don't engage.

Original poster
canyoudance · 25/05/2023 10:30

I've thought so carefully about her thoughts but she's jumped to conclusions. She said I needed to think of the children. Had me in tears.

OP posts:
GreenIsle · 25/05/2023 10:31

Is she perhaps a bit not jealous as such but more envy that your able to make such a move.

SBHon · 25/05/2023 10:32

Has she (falsely) perceived that your change will affect her? ie you stepping down from a role means she worries her son will have to work harder and have more pressure on him. (Whereas I’m sure the reality is he supports your decision.)
Or does she have any valid points?

takealettermsjones · 25/05/2023 10:32

I agree that there's not enough information to know who's being unreasonable, if anyone.

Do you value her opinion generally? You said the change is stressful, is she picking up on that and pointing out pitfalls you might not have thought of?

Obviously being rude and standoffish is not okay, but if you're very stressed about the situation it's possible you're overreacting 🤷🏻‍♀️ impossible to know without more info.

Original poster
canyoudance · 25/05/2023 10:32

@GreenIsle I've thought this too.

OP posts:
Puppers · 25/05/2023 10:33

I think in situations like this you just have to be blunt. She’s already done away with social niceties so you don’t need to feel bound by some need to be cordial in the face of outrageous overstepping and rudeness. Just tell her, “let’s not discuss this anymore. It’s a decision for DH and I to make and we don’t need any outside input thank you”.

I don’t understand why your husband hasn’t sorted it out really.

Original poster
canyoudance · 25/05/2023 10:34

He has. He's told her but she's gone dramatic and she's not even asking how I am.

OP posts:
Merangutan · 25/05/2023 10:34

You thank her for her input which you’ve listened to, but remind her that the decision is between you and your partner, it’s been made with your best interests in mind rather than what suits other people who aren’t directly affected (her) and it won’t be changing. You’re adults. She won’t get her own way by being rude and judgemental when other people make sensible decisions about their lives. It smacks of sulking!

Thinkwhat · 25/05/2023 10:35

I guess you’re choosing to lower your income, either by giving up work or a career change in order to be happy?

is she worried that her son will have to pick up more of the financial responsibility? if you and your partner have agreed that this is the best thing for your family and you are happy to take a dip in lifestyle then absolutely go for it. She’s a silly cow if you are doing this to remove stress and anxiety and she is going out of her way to make the situation stressful.

my guess would be she is looking out for what she perceives to be her sons best interests rather that yours.

Hollyppp · 25/05/2023 11:02

The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fck

(book)

Cheekyfuckerseverywhere · 25/05/2023 11:02

This happened in our family, adult offspring made a decision that's worked out brilliantly for them and the parents kicked off for months. Now their on their own and the rest of the family is happier.

Normally you'd want to see your adult kids happy.

5foot5 · 25/05/2023 11:10

I agree that you really haven't given enough information to form an opinion on whether or not she has a point.

There must be done reason why she perceives this as a bad choice. Either she thinks it will impact adversely on her son, on the children or will take you further away from her or something.

Why are you being so cagey about the nature of the change?

CurlewKate · 25/05/2023 11:18

Oh for goodness sake! Say what's going on . Then people can use their own knowledge and experience to help. Otherwise anything anyone says is meaningless speculation.

Feelinadequate23 · 25/05/2023 11:28

OP sometimes parents get very strange ideas in their heads based on what they’ve pictured for their family, things that they’re very wedded to. You have to be firm and then ignore.

my parents had a particular career in mind for me. They hadn’t been overly pushy about it but just mentioned it every couple of years or so. It was something I considered but decided it wasn’t for me. I told them at 22 I was embarking on a different (well-regarded and well-paid) career and they lost it! It was such weird behaviour. They went on and on about how I was ruining my life (?!) and would regret the decision! I was so shocked by their behaviour I just said to them they were acting very bizarrely, it was my life, it was a sensible choice and my mind was made up. If they ever started up again I just calmly but immediately said “you’ve made your views clear, thank you, but this is my decision and I’m going ahead with it”.

15 years on I’m doing very well and it was clear right from the start I’d made the right decision. Strangely enough after about 6 months the comments stopped and if I confronted them about it now I’m sure they would deny ever reacting negatively! Stick to your guns, be firm with MIL and then ignore. It’s nothing to do with her unless you’re asking her for money/childcare to support you.

SleepingisanArt · 25/05/2023 11:28

Why did it have to be announced? We just do what pleases us and don't talk about it unless asked (owned and sold several businesses as and when it suited us to do so). You have one life and you should live it how you choose, unless you are a serial killer or some other criminal!

Original poster
canyoudance · 25/05/2023 11:37

Not asking for money or childcare. Everything is literally sorted. We made a mistake announcing thinking they would be supportive. Will be thinking twice next time.

OP posts:
SchoolTripDrama · 25/05/2023 11:41

I'm presuming you're going back to work and she thinks you should be staying at home with the children? That's how it was in "her day" 🙄

CurlewKate · 25/05/2023 11:49

Based on the information we've got-it is entirely possible that the OP is making a hideous mistake and the mil has legitimate concerns. We just don't know! So it's wrong for strangers to tell her she's right or wrong.

CurlewKate · 25/05/2023 11:51

"I'm presuming you're going back to work and she thinks you should be staying at home with the children? That's how it was in "her day""
Mil could be anything from 45 to 90. "Her day" could be anything from the 1960s to the 2000s!

Mrsmillshorse · 25/05/2023 12:04

Discussing a decision with someone usually invites commentary. If you weren't seeking her input then no need to discuss with her.

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