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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Favourite grandchildren

26 replies

James1985 · 25/05/2023 09:10

Hello everyone just trying to get some opinions and advice here on a subject which has been ongoing for 10 years and very upsetting.

My wife’s family have always treated one grandchild better than any others. This child is not the oldest so it’s not a first grandchild thing. They constantly share photos (20+) of days out with said child/ family, days child has visited or they have come to our village to visit the family. They only come to see us if they are visiting this family they do not ask to see us unless they happen to already have plans with them and if we do see them it is less than an hour and they’re gone. We are not asked to visit them nor if they could see/facetime our kids. They do not make the effort to see us adults on our birthdays but expect us to do this for them (we no longer bother). They do visit the other family on the day of their birthdays go out for meals etc.

we have explained to them how left out this makes us feel and how bias they are towards this grandchild leaving our child out (and at the age he’s noticing grandpa and nan were with cousin this weekend) as we have physically bumped into them and felt very awkward. They continue to favour and have not seen our child in 6 months and see the family every other weekend.

Aibu to ask my wife to mention this again to them or to cut these people off as they do not support us and I feel they are treating my family as an accessory when they can be bothered with us.

sorry for the long post

J

OP posts:
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 25/05/2023 09:11

What does your wife want to do? It’s her family so any decision to cut them off has to come from her.

Original poster
James1985 · 25/05/2023 09:12

My wife gets very emotional and cries often about the situation I try to support her and we have distanced ourselves a lot from them but she says it still hurts her.

OP posts:
LaMaG · 25/05/2023 09:15

There's another active thread called "friend treating my children differently" and some including myself have posted about similar situations with GP.

Original poster
James1985 · 25/05/2023 09:15

Thank you we will check that out

OP posts:
GoalShooter · 25/05/2023 09:16

This is very unkind behaviour. If my parents or in laws did this, I would step back from having a relationship with them.

LaMaG · 25/05/2023 09:19

Unfortunately I don't see what she can do. It's very hurtful and she has already addressed it. I wouldn't cut them off though, that's not right either and they will forever blame you guys for the poor relationship and it wouldn't be fair on your child. I think you are right to gain a little distance. I've heard this is not uncommon, they simply prefer the other family and I cant see you or your wife persuading them otherwise. Totally feel for your wife xx

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 25/05/2023 09:23

James1985 · 25/05/2023 09:12

My wife gets very emotional and cries often about the situation I try to support her and we have distanced ourselves a lot from them but she says it still hurts her.

What does she want to do though?

Cutting your family off is a massive step. It took me a long time to do it, and that was for physical abuse as well. It still wasn’t easy.

Youve distanced yourselves from them. Any further moves needs to be dictated by your wife imo. They’re her family. It’s hardest for her as she has the links, the memories and the bulk of the feelings (it’ll be a mindfuck for her).

You just need to support her in what she does, not drive the changes imo.

aSofaNearYou · 25/05/2023 09:28

What are their respective relationships with the parents (your wife and her sibling) like? Is the sibling the golden child? Is the other child a girl? Is your child's behaviour more challenging? Can you think of any reason for this?

I totally get why it bothers you but I don't think you can dictate that your wife has to cut them off. They're her parents.

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 25/05/2023 09:34

They'll be getting a kick out of it, people like that always do. They'll enjoy seeing your distress and your wife wanting them to be involved......you won't change them.

Just back away from them, stop reaching out and stop trying to engage. Be unavailable when they deign to give you an hour of their time. Hide / block the social media posts they only share to rub salt into the wound . Waste no more of your time on this nonesense, live your life and focus only on the people who care about you. Leave them to get on with living theirs.

Original poster
James1985 · 25/05/2023 09:36

Just to clarify my wife helped me write the post I am not telling her what she should do she suggested posting on here as she is at a loss. She has always felt sibling is the golden child so perhaps this is just an extension on this.

OP posts:
PutinSmellsPassItOn · 25/05/2023 09:41

I also disagree with posters saying his wifes relationship is nothing to do with the op.......it absolutely is when it involves the child they share feeling inferior which can lead to lifelong issues with self esteem.

Both of you need to make a decision and stick to it, but do not allow your child to be a part of their games.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 25/05/2023 09:48

James1985 · 25/05/2023 09:36

Just to clarify my wife helped me write the post I am not telling her what she should do she suggested posting on here as she is at a loss. She has always felt sibling is the golden child so perhaps this is just an extension on this.

She should have a look at the Stately Homes thread on here.

RequiresUpdating · 25/05/2023 09:48

She has always felt sibling is the golden child so perhaps this is just an extension on this.
Of course it is. And it won't change.

I ended up having to explain to my DC what was going on as we had the same issue - any conversation the GP's had with DC was saying what they'd done with and bought for their cousins. Had to explain that it wasn't their fault and that their GP's had always favoured sibling. We keep contact to a minimum, the DC know why and they tolerate the GP's and accept they're not very interested in their lives. Fortunately PIL's are decent people.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 25/05/2023 09:55

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 25/05/2023 09:41

I also disagree with posters saying his wifes relationship is nothing to do with the op.......it absolutely is when it involves the child they share feeling inferior which can lead to lifelong issues with self esteem.

Both of you need to make a decision and stick to it, but do not allow your child to be a part of their games.

No-one has said it’s none of his business.

Just that any decision to push further with no contact and the likes has to be her decision rather than his. Which is true.

Beamur · 25/05/2023 10:02

I can see why it's hurtful but realistically what can you change?
The GP just don't have, or it seems, want a close relationship with your family.
The choices you have are how you deal with it. You can cut yourself off and probably feel even worse, but there again not watching this favouritism might be better for you. Or accept that your relationship with them is more superficial.

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 25/05/2023 10:22

YetMore

If the ops partner wants to maintain a relationship that's her choice, she's an adult and can process her feelings from that. But she doesn't have a monopoly over their child, if it's having a negative impact on any children they share then they need to come to a joint decision on how they deal with that. And if my child was being treated that way I wouldn't give them an opportunity to do it.

Red0 · 25/05/2023 10:33

We have the same issue with ILs - I think because the other GC are from their daughter and my DCs are from their son, it’s just not the same connection. Of course that’s not something you can explain to a 7 yr old, but already she is seeing it and feeling that she is bottom of their list, so I feel bad for her.

Ameanstreakamilewide · 25/05/2023 10:36

James1985 · 25/05/2023 09:10

Hello everyone just trying to get some opinions and advice here on a subject which has been ongoing for 10 years and very upsetting.

My wife’s family have always treated one grandchild better than any others. This child is not the oldest so it’s not a first grandchild thing. They constantly share photos (20+) of days out with said child/ family, days child has visited or they have come to our village to visit the family. They only come to see us if they are visiting this family they do not ask to see us unless they happen to already have plans with them and if we do see them it is less than an hour and they’re gone. We are not asked to visit them nor if they could see/facetime our kids. They do not make the effort to see us adults on our birthdays but expect us to do this for them (we no longer bother). They do visit the other family on the day of their birthdays go out for meals etc.

we have explained to them how left out this makes us feel and how bias they are towards this grandchild leaving our child out (and at the age he’s noticing grandpa and nan were with cousin this weekend) as we have physically bumped into them and felt very awkward. They continue to favour and have not seen our child in 6 months and see the family every other weekend.

Aibu to ask my wife to mention this again to them or to cut these people off as they do not support us and I feel they are treating my family as an accessory when they can be bothered with us.

sorry for the long post

J

My m-i-l doesn't even try to hide it.

She treats her favourite grandchild like she's the second coming.
My niece had to have a couple of teeth taken out and you'd think she was in NASA training to go to the ISS. 🙄

brunettemic · 25/05/2023 10:38

My MIL favours our DS over our DD, no idea why and to be honest we’ve given up trying to change it.

FrenchBoule · 25/05/2023 10:40

You can’t change people’s behaviour, you can only change the way you react to it.
Drop the rope so to speak and stop flogging dead horse. They won’t love your family more.
Hurts like hell but gets easier with time.
💐

Original poster
James1985 · 25/05/2023 10:55

Thank you all for your replies this is a lot more common than we realised.

OP posts:
drstranger · 25/05/2023 10:58

I think it's quite common! Dsd grandad doesn't even hide she's his favourite lol I've also noticed he favours the girls over the boys ! He's never offered to take out the boys for days out in the family only the two eldest girls. Used to do my head in but I just ignore it now

Mala1992 · 25/05/2023 11:15

James1985 · 25/05/2023 10:55

Thank you all for your replies this is a lot more common than we realised.

So much more common, sadly. Good to see people talking about it more, and more to the point, taking action to break the cycle. We did this and I know we did the right thing. Was incredibly painful because we had to face the truth about the scapegoat/golden child dynamic in our own childhoods.

It’s worth it though. Along the way we even had to deal with my SMIL doing it both ways - making unfavourable comparisons between our DD and her cousin - one time favouring one and the next time the other. She was equally jealous of ALL FIL’s GC!! But I never fell for any temptation if the comparison was favouring our DD.

This experience sensitised me so much that it made me a fervent child advocate in with zero tolerance for bullying or scapegoating

HowcanIgetoutofthisalive · 25/05/2023 11:26

It's been going on for 10 years? So making the assumption that your child is 10. You say you bumped into the in-laws with your child's cousin; did your child comment about this? Or was it just your wife/you that felt the awkwardness?

I think it's a 2 pronged thing. (1) Your wife, clearly not the golden child, has to deal with this fact and that it won't ever change so needs to find someway to accept this either by just sucking it up or by having no contact with them (neither option easy I admit). and (2), how is this affecting your child? Does he comment/notice that he doesn't see his GP's as much as his cousin? At 10, he would be able to understand if your wife decided to have a conversation with him and telling him that it's nothing to do with him, but all to do with the GP's (shitty) attitude.

ScatsThat · 25/05/2023 11:36

Are there any reasons that you can think of as to why the grandparents favour the other family? Eg. Is the other family a single parent family who they feel needs more support than the two of you? Does the other family need more financial help than you so in-laws are meeting up to pay for meals out or daytrips? Are there mental health issues or special needs at play? Does other family instigate more meetings than you two? Have you always lived in the same area or did in-laws establish a routine with other family before you came to the area? Was your wife too busy to see her parents previously and now they have responded accordingly? Do they like you (eg. Would they see your wife more without you)? Do you make much effort with them? You say you don't bother seeing them on their birthdays - why not if you want a better relationship with them?

None of these are good reasons, but are all worth considering if you want to have a conversation with them or are looking to rule things out.