Should a 12 year old have impulse control? Worried about DC

[madmenpeggy]

Namechanged for this.

DS seems to be unable to stop himself craving screen (gaming, in particular) and sugar. We have boundaries in place for both, but he said tonight that he will try and get both whenever the opportunity arises. He said himself, he worries he has no impulse control. He's even asked for a therapist 🤔

He has very low impulse control, this is true. Of course, in context - both sugar and gaming are designed to loop you in, so he's not alone. But it's a war of attrition if you say no and he's bent on getting more.

But is this normal? Are we expecting too much from him? Have no idea of context.

DH and I worry about the next stage - drugs, drink etc.

Not sure how to help him, what to do, if there is anything to do etc

Sorry if I sound neurotic!

I think it's normal. My boys (11 and 9) would play computer games/watch YouTube all day if they could. They aren't too fussed about sugar stuff, but I know many kids are.

Just continue with the boundaries on screen time and snacks and gradually encourage him to take responsibility.

I don't hubi he needs a therapist or has particular impulse control problems. He sounds like a normal lad who likes his gaming to me!

I'm going to disagree. If he himself admits he's lost control then I think some therapy if you can afford it is a great idea. Nip it in the bud.

I am alcoholic in recovery so have experience of addictions and in my experience the addictive thing be it screens, sugar or drugs & booze, is filling a gap / changing the way we feel.

Find and fill the gap with therapy and you've solved the problem before the hole becomes a crater.

Is impulse control - not having it - always about filling a gap?

I do wonder if 12 is too young for therapy around this stuff.

I feel loathed to start therapy at this age, I'll be honest.

Starting therapy is starting to get help

Stop pretending its a bad thing

Being addicted to gaming and sugar is a bad thing

Admitting you have a problem and getting therapy is fucking healthy!!!

What an aggressive, annoying reply. Who's pretending? I've had truckloads of therapy. My thoughts around it for a twelve year old are less black and white than you clearly think.

He's being very responsible in asking for help. Not many children do that. Are you really going to deny him that help?

Its hard to tell without the full picture and full context. Has he ever been given the opportunity to fully self regulate himself with these things or have boundaries been imposed since he was a young child?

It also depends what boundaries you've set for him. Is he only allowed an hour on the XBox at weekends or 5 hours everyday? Only allowed a Freddo once a day or a 200g bar of Dairy Milk?

I think MN has the tendency to be too strict on both screens and sugar compared to my own (by admission somewhat lax) parenting. But my kids can self regulate. My kids know too many sweets are a bad thing cos they've been able to eat so many they made themselves sick. They know they get bored after an hour on a game and switch it off.

You need to be honest with yourself about what you're expecting from him. Do you think he really has a problem or just cannot adhere to strict standards that have been imposed on him?

I agree, he has been. Today he's changed his mind about therapy. But it's clearly a discussion we need to keep open.

Just saying I'm loathed doesn't mean that I would not do it. I just think it requires thought

@Makkapakkasstones Those are good questions. We've always imposed boundaries, but I think we're pretty fair (obviously not compared to parents who have no boundaries, but that's not going to be a reasonable comparison).

He gets about 1 hours gaming a day in the week, plus he also has his phone - he can do whatever he wants on there (texting, a couple of games, youtube) up to 1.5 hours a day. We might watch an episode - 20 mins - or two as a family at night. At weekends, he gets probably at least 2 hours of gaming a day plus TV and the phone. Often more. He will push and push for more.

Sugar wise - he seems to eat a lot. Yesterday, for example, he had a pain au chocolate at break, a Rubicorn drink at the shop, gum, and a chocolate brunch bar. I would say he might have that much two/three days in the week. At the weekend, he might spend the rest of his allowance and then it can be a shit fest. Or if he meets up with friends, which is often, they'll have money or sweets, so it's more.

He gets a bad tummy after too much sugar. Always has. On Sunday, he had an event and ate tons of crap. He was in pain and on the loo. He then will say, I had too much sugar, I know it's not good for me...but then he will do it again.

So, I don't know - am I expecting too much? Have we imposed too strict boundaries?

It does sound like he has fair boundaries in place.

I must admit I was thinking about the poster the other day who was hysterical about her 14YO having a bottle of diet coke a day and half expected you to say there were ridiculously strict restrictions in place.

I am wondering though how much of this is about the actual things or just pushing against boundaries and rules in general. How is he with other rules and boundaries in the home? What about school? I'm just thinking he's at an age where he will increasingly challenge you as parents. Especially if he's just started high school this year.

Is his behaviour to get these things a problem? Does he sneak onto screens behind your back? Steal sweets from home or steal money to buy them? Or is he just complaining that it's not fair when you say no?

How do your rules compare to his friends? Are you stricter or lax compared to friends parents? Because he could be seeing you as unfairly strict compared to the friend with no boundaries in place.

I don't know the answer and i dont think there is an easy one. I don't think it's as simple as saying he needs stricter boundaries or more freedom. My eldest son isn't 12 yet. But already with high school on the horizon, there has been a definite shifting in boundaries generally and pushing against them from him. He is also autistic and generally lacks impulse control with a lot of things (talks at inappropriate times, would sit up reading until 4am if I let him, walked out in the road etc). But he can self regulate q lot once he understands natural consequences himself.

If you can afford therapy and think it could help him, then look into it if he is still on board. If you think he is just a pre-teen testing boundaries, then perhaps look at different ways he can be allowed more freedoms.

I think it is normal and you are expecting too much. Teen and preteen brains are significantly different to adult brains.

I cant quite see what's wrong unless he's severely over weight and there's plenty stomach bugs going around right now severe pains nowt to do with sugar.

I have a similarly aged DC with the same issue- they are overweight and miserable about it- they make vows of doing better, last a few days, then lapse. Mine is now in therapy because as an addict myself I can see he has the potential of an addict inside him- I did everything in excess as a child too.

@LadyJ2023 Er, his stomach pains are absolutely to do with sugar. As I said, this has been the case since he was young. He can't handle too much.

@Stompythedinosaur I know, I think that's right. That's what I'm trying to work out, but I am feeling inclined to agree with you. His pre-teen brain can't make the choices he'll hopefully make when he's older.

@Makkapakkasstones thanks for your considered reply. I guess it's a bit of wait and see, to find out whether he'll grow out of some of this behaviour. I really don't yet if it's integral to his personality or whether it's age related

Both designed to be addictive... friend had issue with her DS that age and he messed up big time so they took away gaming for a month. He was like a changed kid. Ended up being several months and he found other stuff to do with his time, and as for the 'social' aspect of gaming, he replaced it with actually meeting friends out instead.

Our DS seems to have a balance, but we are very strict ( he's 13) according to him, and he only games at weekends for a couple hours each time max. So his friends tend to be more outdoorsy like him rather than the kids who's spend hours gaming - and there are many.

Both screens and sugar are highly addictive. Just like drugs and alcohol. And A 12 YO brain is immature and not fully developed.

'Yesterday, for example, he had a pain au chocolate at break, a Rubicorn drink at the shop, gum, and a chocolate brunch bar.'

That's lot - our DC would be the same given the chance so we limit options with money and what we have a home. It's water or milk to drink only at home.
It's hard to control what they eat outside after a certain age, so we have very little in the way of sweets, sugar treats, biscuits at home now. We don't buy pop, 'breakfast' bars or any of that kind of stuff. Or anything claiming to be 'healthy'
while full of sugar and additives.

I feel your pain. It's so hard when they're surrounded by cheap sweets, giant bars of choc, processed food.

If he's really struggling with impulse control and going so far as to actively ask for help with it, I think you should speak to your GP about an ADHD assessment for him.

I do agree that games are addictive and some people experience sugar as addictive. So limiting access to these things may well help. I also really like this article about how to help a child that seems to only be interested in screens: https://slate.com/human-interest/2010/05/how-to-motivate-an-inert-child.html

One of the authors, Alan Kazdin, is a respected behaviourist and parenting expert.

But OTOH, plenty of 12 year olds enjoy sugar and video games but aren't distressed by their own inability to control their impulses. That points to more of an issue IMO that should be investigated.

I had binge eating disorder aged 10, which did a lot of damage then morphed into anorexia, which did more damage.

It's not about how much you think your son objectively eats or games, it's about HIS perception of the effect it's having on his life. And he's telling you it's a problem. So don't minimise his feelings like other posters are doing. That will just send him the message that his feelings aren't important. He wants help. So help him.

I agree with the ADHD assessment. You'll have to go through school to get it (at least, that's how it works around here). Get it just to rule it out! But it's worth noting that my child with ADHD really, really struggles with screen time and sugar - to the point of sneaking downstairs in the dead of night to try and get on video games, and hiding the sugar pot from the kitchen. He's a well-behaved child in other regards, but I have to lock video games and sugar away, it's that bad.

This is a difficult one. DS is 11 and would sit and play on his Switch all day if we let him and will regularly just pick it up out of habit. It’s good that he’s aware of it but I’m not sure he’s “addicted” too it, 12 is still a young age to be able to control everything, no matter how mature they may appear.

@madmenpeggy

“Sugar wise - he seems to eat a lot. Yesterday, for example, he had a pain au chocolate at break, a Rubicorn drink at the shop, gum, and a chocolate brunch bar.”

i don’t think that that is that much sugar over the course of a day tbh

Thanks to all for interesting thoughts.

He doesn't sneak around or lie (as far as I know) - in fact, he hates himself for being so open! He tells us everything overshares.

Without seeming as if I'm minimising his feelings - I'm really not - I don't know how much is him feeling upset with himself over his feelings about sugar/screen, OR how much is influenced by the fact he knows we don't like it. He pushes against, but simultaneously wants, our approval. He knows we think this stuff needs to be moderately used, and so that impacts his feelings.

I think. We'll see. I don't know about ADHD. Certainly we've discussed it over the years, but we've always come full circle and thought, no.

I think we must not

• Sorry - the line 'I think we must not' shouldn't be there