Should a 12 year old have impulse control? Worried about DC

[madmenpeggy]

Namechanged for this.

DS seems to be unable to stop himself craving screen (gaming, in particular) and sugar. We have boundaries in place for both, but he said tonight that he will try and get both whenever the opportunity arises. He said himself, he worries he has no impulse control. He's even asked for a therapist 🤔

He has very low impulse control, this is true. Of course, in context - both sugar and gaming are designed to loop you in, so he's not alone. But it's a war of attrition if you say no and he's bent on getting more.

But is this normal? Are we expecting too much from him? Have no idea of context.

DH and I worry about the next stage - drugs, drink etc.

Not sure how to help him, what to do, if there is anything to do etc

Sorry if I sound neurotic!

He sounds like a totally normal teenage boy to me.

I'm quite confused by this thread.

A 12 year old likes gaming and has a sweet tooth.

That's V V normal.

There is nothing wrong with him! He doesn't get to play much each day on his computer and wants more .... That's is NORMAL.

He has acces to a pain au chocolate at break, so he eats it! That is NORMAL

I expect the reason he wants a therapist is because he's being made to feel that there is something wrong with him for wanting these things. There isn't. He's fine! My 11 yr old is on his PC right now, and when I ask him to stop he'll complain. That is most kids.

This is so weird!

DS2 was the same. I was so worried, but used it as a talking point, in calm moments with no screens on, reminding him that it was my job to set limits for him. I wouldn't let him run about on a busy road: I wasn't going to let him have unlimited sugar or screen time. He saw the logic even if he didn't like it. I also stressed that some people have addictive personalities and that he would be more at risk of addiction to drugs and drink with such low impulse control.

He's now 21. H chose not to drink as a teen. He had his first drink at 17, and has set himself v sensible limits. He distanced himself from b friends who got into drugs. He still eats too much sugar but it's learning to regulate it a bit. He still loves his gaming too and struggled throughout school, needing lots reminding of the rules but is now at Uni, doing a course he loves, and managed to switch off the games to complete Uni work on time.

Hope that helps.

I really take offence at the 'this is weird' crap. Well done. Massive pat on the back to you that you are so super confident about everything to do with your kids. That you are able to easily identify what's normal, what isn't. So judgmental. Jesus

Sorry, I didn't mean to be offensive. I'm just so confused by the thread. OP, you sound a great mum trying to make sure you r doing everything right by your son. He's lucky to have you care so much. I didn't mean to come across so judgemental. But please, know this is v normal behaviour for a 12 yr old, and let him know that too. Let him know he's normal and most 12 yr olds crave a bit more computer time and a few more sweets than they r allowed.

Impulse control to the started at about 7. You are 5 years too late.

Apology accepted. I came on here to clarify if it was normal and I have.

And we do tell him ALL THE TIME that screen and sugar is made to draw you in, that he's no different. Equally, it's our job to make sure he doesn't go mad with it

👍 👍

Another vote for ADHD assessment. Impulsivity is a textbook sign.

Also some drinks can mimic the affect of the meds (stimulants)

huh?

This thread has got ridiculous. I wouldn’t expect a 12yo to have impulse control. Most adults don’t have impulse control, which is why most people are overweight! And it’s why we have alcoholism and gambling.
You can be good parents and steer him, you can put boundaries in place which you have. He WILL learn

I think therapy is a great idea, especially if he’s specifically asked for it. If he himself is worried about his lack of impulse control, i would want to get him help - at the very least to talk it through.
I think it's great for a child to understand that they can reach out for help when they are struggling with their behaviour or emotions.
From a parent’s perspective you can think of therapy as a back up or extension to your own parenting in situations where you don’t feel confident to deal with a situation.
I am not in the UK and here it’s quite normal for kids to see a therapist here and there for different issues. It doesn’t have to be reserved for extreme situations. A good therapist will give him tools and strategies that he can draw on.

That's the whole point though isn't it? It's normal for 12 year olds to want to play computer games and eat junk.

What's unusual is a 12yo who feels distressed by their own lack of control about something. That doesn't sound like a parent has made him paranoid - how many of us are nagging our tweens daily to get off the phone and eat vegetables? And they aren't all worried about their own lack of control.

That's why I'd say listen to him and seek some kind of professional input. If you've thought ADHD several times over the years why not ask someone actually qualified to diagnose? They aren't just going to randomly say that he has something if he doesn't.

It's normal for a 12yo to have less impulse control than an adult, it's not normal for them to be distressed by their lack of control over it.

I'm a psychotherapist and work with kids. Just chiming in to say that children sometimes will ask for help in roundabout ways. He may be asking you for help for this alleged impulse control issue but it might be something else he really wants to talk to someone about that he doesnt feel he can share with you. Best to get them checked out and let them talk to someone when they ask directly for it. Just in case.

Thanks all. Food for thought.