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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not paying for schoolbag

67 replies

Another2022 · 24/05/2023 18:41

Need a sense check please.

My daughter needed a new schoolbag, it broke yesterday. I said I’d get her one when I got paid tomorrow and offered her another (less cool obvs) bag to use for a couple of days.

His evening my ex took my daughter out and bought her a bag. I wasn’t asked about budget or what bag she was getting. Daughter gets back and says ex wants me to pay for the bag. I’ve said no as I wasn’t even asked how much I could afford etc…

AIBU not to pay for the bag?

Ex has form for buying stuff without telling me and then expecting me to pay half of it. Tbf, it’s all stuff that needs to be bought but it takes the control of my own budget away from me.

OP posts:
GoldenGorilla · 24/05/2023 18:42

I wouldn’t pay in those circs. Just keep repeating - no, if you want me to split a cost then we need to agree the amount in advance.

cansu · 24/05/2023 18:44

Depends - is half of this bag a reasonable cost or not? If it is then just pay it. If it is more than you would otherwise have spent then say no. He is of course very cheeky to buy and then ask you for money but I would not stoop to his level. Communicate this directly. He should not be sending you messages through your child about money.

GrazingSheep · 24/05/2023 18:44

Daughter gets back and says ex wants me to pay for the bag. I’ve said no as I wasn’t even asked how much I could afford etc…

I think it’s wrong that your dd has to pass messages like this. How old is she?

Treesoutsidemywindow · 24/05/2023 18:44

I agree with previous poster, it's a bloody cheek to expect you to pay when he doesn't know if you can even afford a new bag right now. Tell him to get lost.

musixa · 24/05/2023 18:44

YANBU but looking at it logically, you could offer what you'd have spent on it yourself.

Deathbyfluffy · 24/05/2023 18:45

It’s not clear from your post - does he want you to pay half or the full amount?
If it’s not an expensive bag I think paying half is reasonable, he’s done you a favour by essentially giving you an advance

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 24/05/2023 18:45

GoldenGorilla · 24/05/2023 18:42

I wouldn’t pay in those circs. Just keep repeating - no, if you want me to split a cost then we need to agree the amount in advance.

This

Clymene · 24/05/2023 18:46

No! If he bought something without asking you, it's not on for him to ask you for any money towards it. He needs to use his words like a grown up.

Smartiepants79 · 24/05/2023 18:48

Deathbyfluffy · 24/05/2023 18:45

It’s not clear from your post - does he want you to pay half or the full amount?
If it’s not an expensive bag I think paying half is reasonable, he’s done you a favour by essentially giving you an advance

A favour?? He’s bought his OWN child a bag that she needs! That’s not a favour, that’s parenting.
If he couldn’t afford it he should have said no.
The OP should not be forced to pay out money she can’t really afford.
She had a plan and a budget.
Say no OP!!

fUNNYfACE36 · 24/05/2023 18:48

Whats the difference in price

Jammydodger1981 · 24/05/2023 18:49

Why isn’t he responsible for replacing the bag as he’s also (I’m presuming) her parent?

Your poor Dd. How disappointed she must be to realise he wanted the money from you and begrudges spending money on her.

Mumof4alsoabonus · 24/05/2023 18:51

Have you an issue with the bag or the price? If not then I would pay half for an easy life, and most importantly to make it easier for your daughter. You told your daughter you would buy it so it’s not like it came from nowhere.

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 24/05/2023 18:55

If you agree op he is going to be splashing out on dd, taking the credit and getting the money back off you!
Stand firm. My dd got a £50 quid bag off a relative one September for school. When it was shabby the next year she demanded I get another one. I said when she had a job like me she can accumulate a posh handbag collection. Not at 15 at my expense!

ArdeteiMasazxu · 24/05/2023 18:58

If he hadn't done this and you had bought the bag, would you have been expecting him to pay half (and would you have consulted him) or would you have expected to pay it yourself in full?

Depending on this, you could answer something like "You can't decide on my behalf how much of my income goes on extras like cool school bags when there's food and rent to pay for. My budget for a new school bag was £10 once I had been paid and it does her no harm to wait a few days. If you are so flush you can decide to spend £30 that's your decision and your money, and a nice gift from you to (DD) but no part of it comes out of my money, I will put that £10 towards next time she needs something"

Agree with PP that it's shitty parenting to make DD be the message bearer. Don't talk about this with DD or in her hearing she doesn't need the emotional load.

GuitarsUnderTheStars · 24/05/2023 18:59

Pay him up to the amount you had in mind. If he has spent more without speaking to you, that’s an important lesson for him that he can either learn from or not.

Communication between the two of you needs to improve so as to not be putting your child in the middle of these situations

FloweryName · 24/05/2023 19:00

Would you have asked him to pay half if you’d bought the bag?

towriteyoumustlive · 24/05/2023 19:03

Is the half he is asking for less than the cost of the bag you were going to buy? If its less then YABU.

But why didn't your daughter tell her dad that mum was buying one tomorrow? That sounds a little like game playing to me!

If half the cost is more than yoy we're going to pay for an entire bag then just be honest with your ex. Tell him you cannot afford that much and had already chosen an affordable bag.

Ps - ebay is a great place for good value second hand school bags!

KarmaStar · 24/05/2023 19:03

Say the bag was thirty pounds and my budget was £20 I would give him fifteen and be happy with that.If budget was ten pounds then ten pounds is what I'd give him.Don't go over your budget,his mistake in not checking with you.

Dacadactyl · 24/05/2023 19:05

No way would I be buying a bag this close to the end of the school year. And no, I wouldn't be paying him for half of it either. He should've called you to have that conversation with you first.

If your DD is anything like mine, she'll have gone for a fashion bag at the start of the year. I always counsel my DD against them and try to get her to see sense with a sensible bag. She never listens, but I tell her that when it breaks (it inevitably does), she will have to use a rucksack, carrier bag or jute bag. She's on a jute bag at the minute and not happy about it 😂

Danikm151 · 24/05/2023 19:07

He shouldn’t be so presumptuous to think you can afford to pay half.
He hasn’t asked you so he can wait for the no when he moans that you haven’t paid.

Alongtimelonely · 24/05/2023 19:09

How old is your dd? Any chance she said to her dad “mum said she’d take me bag shopping but she hasn’t had time and mine is broken, she said she’ll pay half so if you could get me on pleeeeeeeaze dad then she can pay you back”…

SweetSakura · 24/05/2023 19:12

He asks you in advance if he wants you to contribute.

CountZacular · 24/05/2023 19:14

Say no. When pushed tell him you’ll sort the next item.

Iyiyiiii · 24/05/2023 19:14

cansu · 24/05/2023 18:44

Depends - is half of this bag a reasonable cost or not? If it is then just pay it. If it is more than you would otherwise have spent then say no. He is of course very cheeky to buy and then ask you for money but I would not stoop to his level. Communicate this directly. He should not be sending you messages through your child about money.

No - ex does not have the right to spend OPs money

mainsfed · 24/05/2023 19:16

Don’t pay!