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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not paying for schoolbag

67 replies

Another2022 · 24/05/2023 18:41

Need a sense check please.

My daughter needed a new schoolbag, it broke yesterday. I said I’d get her one when I got paid tomorrow and offered her another (less cool obvs) bag to use for a couple of days.

His evening my ex took my daughter out and bought her a bag. I wasn’t asked about budget or what bag she was getting. Daughter gets back and says ex wants me to pay for the bag. I’ve said no as I wasn’t even asked how much I could afford etc…

AIBU not to pay for the bag?

Ex has form for buying stuff without telling me and then expecting me to pay half of it. Tbf, it’s all stuff that needs to be bought but it takes the control of my own budget away from me.

OP posts:
LIZS · 24/05/2023 19:16

So dd played him off against you. He chose to buy, his cost. I suspect we are talking a designer tote.

Original poster
Another2022 · 24/05/2023 19:37

Thanks for you’re comments!

The cost is around what I would pay and no, I wouldn’t have asked for any money towards it.

Think I was doing the right thing, just a shame I’m now the bad guy in my daughters eyes.

OP posts:
pimplebum · 24/05/2023 19:38

Do you pay him half of school things he buys??

pimplebum · 24/05/2023 19:39

X post

Your daughter should not be the messenger and should not be aware of negotiations

supersop60 · 24/05/2023 19:54

Do you usually split things 50/50? It was his decision to buy it, not yours. Tell him to get lost.

Original poster
Another2022 · 24/05/2023 20:06

Yeh, she should not need to know any of the financial stuff and her mum should definitely not be asking her to ask me for money for things! Then again, maybe daughter suggested asking me for money to her mum? Who knows, just a shame she’s aware of it at all.

OP posts:
Justalittlebitduckling · 24/05/2023 20:09

Nope.

Hankunamatata · 24/05/2023 20:11

I would pay him the money that you would have paid for the bag so dd doesnt feel like she is caught in the middle

GuitarsUnderTheStars · 24/05/2023 20:16

You both just need to communicate better. It’s awful when kids are in the middle like this.

BadNomad · 24/05/2023 20:48

Just pay half and be smug you've saved some money.

SchoolShenanigans · 24/05/2023 20:52

And does your ex contribute to everything else you buy your daughter?

No? Didn't think so.

Depending on your daughter's age, I would gently explain that as you pay everything else, he can pay for the bag. Don't let him manipulate the situation.

changewhale · 24/05/2023 21:08

Interesting how many posters assumed the ex was "he".

Anyway. My DSD did something similar in her early teens so I'd not be so sure she isn't trying to play games to get out of using the "uncool" bag

BadNomad · 24/05/2023 21:10

SchoolShenanigans · 24/05/2023 20:52

And does your ex contribute to everything else you buy your daughter?

No? Didn't think so.

Depending on your daughter's age, I would gently explain that as you pay everything else, he can pay for the bag. Don't let him manipulate the situation.

How do you know the OP pays for everything? The ex isn't a "he" btw. Ex is a mum.

2bazookas · 24/05/2023 21:47

"Remember to thank kind Daddy for his present."

Of course you don't pay him for it. When you stop paying he'll stop doing this.

changewhale · 24/05/2023 21:48

2bazookas · 24/05/2023 21:47

"Remember to thank kind Daddy for his present."

Of course you don't pay him for it. When you stop paying he'll stop doing this.

MUMMY

BadNomad · 24/05/2023 21:50

It's funny how so many people are telling the OP to not pay anything just because they think the ex is the father.

GuitarsUnderTheStars · 24/05/2023 21:51

Interesting how many posters assumed the ex was "he".

I thought it was a he because the OP said,

”His evening my ex took my daughter out and bought her a bag.”

I though it was the OP referring to it being ‘his’ evening to have the child.

changewhale · 24/05/2023 21:54

GuitarsUnderTheStars · 24/05/2023 21:51

Interesting how many posters assumed the ex was "he".

I thought it was a he because the OP said,

”His evening my ex took my daughter out and bought her a bag.”

I though it was the OP referring to it being ‘his’ evening to have the child.

Ah right I saw it as a typo but yeah that makes sense

Guavafish1 · 24/05/2023 21:58

Depends on the price and how much you can afford.

I think pay what you can afford

Hesma · 24/05/2023 22:02

Personally I think it’s pathetic that you two can’t just talk for the sake of your DD.

Soontobe60 · 24/05/2023 22:06

Another2022 · 24/05/2023 19:37

Thanks for you’re comments!

The cost is around what I would pay and no, I wouldn’t have asked for any money towards it.

Think I was doing the right thing, just a shame I’m now the bad guy in my daughters eyes.

So now you know - next time you buy her something she needs, get half the money off him first!

Iyiyiiii · 24/05/2023 22:45

BadNomad · 24/05/2023 21:50

It's funny how so many people are telling the OP to not pay anything just because they think the ex is the father.

Like I said before, ex doesn't get to spend ops money

powerrangers · 24/05/2023 23:24

2bazookas · 24/05/2023 21:47

"Remember to thank kind Daddy for his present."

Of course you don't pay him for it. When you stop paying he'll stop doing this.

You've got the sexes wrong

BibbleandSqwauk · 25/05/2023 06:57

The sexes really don't matter. It doesn't change the basic point that you don't spend someone else's money without asking them.... just like the thread the other day whose ex booked holiday and assumed the op would cover the childcare on his usual days, without asking her. Assuming in this case the ex is the NRP and they pay maintenance (which won't cover 50% of costs as it rarely comes anywhere close) then they are a pretty crap parent if they won't buy the odd one off thing over and above that and the op absolutely should not be reimbursing him. I also agree that this is a bad example for the DD who has gone "round" one parent so the other gets to look like the hero.

HoneyDragon · 25/05/2023 07:03

Who purchased the school bag that broke? If it was you and you paid it in full, then state your ex can get this one this time, and you’ll get the next. If they object ask for a retrospective payment for the last bag.

You need to communicate better though or your dd will run rings around the pair of you over stuff she “needs”.