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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to my baby’s father for not letting him know the name before I picked it?

48 replies

NewMom0923 · 24/05/2023 17:55

So I’m currently 24wk pregnant with my first baby. I’m not in a relationship with the father but we have been good friends for 6 years.

when I told him I was pregnant he had said he doesn’t want to be involved with the baby, it broke mg heart and I’ve not been speaking to him much.

I had met with him after he said he wanted to talk about stuff. He sounded interested and concerned on how baby is doing. I then told him I had a name for her and he looked really upset. He asked why I didn’t speak to him first because he would have wanted to know.

An I in the wrong for not asking him even though he said he didn’t want to be involved?

OP posts:
SiegeOfBees · 24/05/2023 18:00

Not wrong at all. Did he expect you to put all the thinking about the baby on hold until he decided he wanted a chat about them ?!

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

SummerHouse · 24/05/2023 18:01

Of course you are not being unreasonable in the slightest. What did he expect!?

I think you are being very open and reasonable under the circumstances. If he has it in him to be a good father then that's in your baby's interest. Keep calm and carry on but don't for a minute let him believe you are out of order here. He needs some ground rules if he is going to be involved.

PuttingDownRoots · 24/05/2023 18:06

How can you tell him what you've decided until you've made the decision?
Unless he has a reasonable objection (like you want Isabelle and he has an older child called Isabella) he forfeited the right to choose when he said he didn't want to be involved.

Don't be tempted to give his surname!

smalalalalalala · 24/05/2023 18:13

I think he's changed his mind about being involved, which is a good thing. It was probably a shock for him.

You're not in the wrong for not asking before but if he wantsbe involved now, it would be help to mend the relationship if you discuss names with him. However, it has to be clear is in or out, no in-between.

Velvian · 24/05/2023 18:13

YANBU, what did he mean by not involved, if he didn't mean not involved??

Did he mean, not financially contribute or parent, but still get to make decisions about what you should do?

changewhale · 24/05/2023 18:16

He didn't want to be involved so no not unreasonable you were giving him exactly what he wanted.

Precipice · 24/05/2023 18:16

You did speak with him first. He does know. That response might make sense if you decided now, talked to him about the baby but not about the name until it's born, and then went "the baby's called X".

What he means is he wanted to make the decision. He said he doesn't want to be involved, he doesn't get to choose the name.

KarmaStar · 24/05/2023 18:19

Sounds like he was shocked but has now come around to the idea.
If he is going to be permanently in her life I would discuss names with him and he open to change of using a name he likes for a second name.
Remember he will always be her biological dad so pick your fights.

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 24/05/2023 18:20

Don't be manipulated into using his surname or having him in the bc. No dc has come to harm from having a blank space...

Anewuser · 24/05/2023 18:20

He talking bull shit. You have spoken to him about baby’s name, she isn’t born yet. You may change your mind before then. He sounds like he wants his cake and eat it. He’ll muck you about constantly, being involved/not being involved. Be prepared to go it alone.

35965a · 24/05/2023 18:23

You aren’t in the wrong at all.

SavBlancTonight · 24/05/2023 18:35

Nect thing he will ve wanting the baby to have his surname.

Of course yanbu. Ffs. He said he didn't want to be involved

TomatoSandwiches · 24/05/2023 18:37

There is absolutely nothing wrong with what you've done, he doesn't even make sense... I mean how were you supposed to tell him you like a name before you actually like it?
You may even change your mind, who knows?!
I think the only way to explain this is that he thinks he can say

" I don't want to be involved "
Yet still have imput in names and such, no, no, that's not how it works.

Don't be fooled by this pos, he isn't your friend and he seems to want his cake and eat it.
I would have laughed if he seemed upset about this, he checked out so he can sit back and watch you do what you think is best.

I also wouldn't be giving the baby his name or putting him on the BC.
If he wants to step up down the line then it will have to be on your terms initially.

What a CF!

Mygrandadwasmywingman · 24/05/2023 18:44

My ex did the same
I told him I was pregnant,he fled but hunted us down when ds was 2
He had the nerve to have a go at me for not getting in touch with him at the time to 'allow' him to chose ds's name!
He was told to fuck off (which he did)
He wasn't around at the time of choosing so had no rights

pictoosh · 24/05/2023 18:45

Hell no you're not being unreasonable. So he doesn't want to be involved but thinks he gets a say in her name? Absolutely fuck that.

NumberTheory · 24/05/2023 18:45

YANBU, he is BU and you should tell him so, firmly. Be scathing about his upset. It’s outrageous.

Do not feel guilty about acting as the baby’s only parent when his words and actions have indicated that that’s how things are. Do not let him swan in and pick and choose the bits of parenting he wants to do and leave you with all the grunt work. Tell him (assuming you would still be okay with his involvement) if he wants to have any say or involvement in anything to do with the baby, he needs to start with some of the hard work, not the fun bits.

GoalShooter · 24/05/2023 18:46

Has he changed his mind about being involved? If not then he's being ridiculous to think he should help choose the name!

CountZacular · 24/05/2023 18:50

I don’t understand his reasoning at all. You have spoken to him first as the baby isn’t even here (let alone been registered). He’s asked to not be involved so what you’ve done is already plenty considerate.

OnlyFannys · 24/05/2023 19:01

Make sure you are clear with him that whether he is involved or not he is still obligated to financially support the child. And no YANBU

AnnWithoutAnnie · 24/05/2023 19:27

Why are you even still talking to the twat?

Do yourself a favour & stop falling for his crap. Give him
one email address to contact you and get him blocked everywhere else.

He didn't want to be involved, so he doesn't get to be all sulky about not being asked his opinion.

He doesn't get a say in anything he certainly doesn't get out on the birth certificate. Don't make your life harder! Same with surname, give your baby, your surname!!

anythinginapinch · 24/05/2023 19:41

Good god he's a twat

Original poster
NewMom0923 · 24/05/2023 20:17

Thanks everyone.

He had said he can’t be involved because he has other children (all older) and he won’t bdd we able to financially support.

im in two minds to even ever let him meet her because I know he will be very flaky as a father. I want consistency and she won’t get that 😥

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 24/05/2023 20:27

Please don't put him on the birth certificate! He can earn the right to be added to it when and if he steps up, which it doesn't sound like he will.

TomatoSandwiches · 24/05/2023 20:30

NewMom0923 · 24/05/2023 20:17

Thanks everyone.

He had said he can’t be involved because he has other children (all older) and he won’t bdd we able to financially support.

im in two minds to even ever let him meet her because I know he will be very flaky as a father. I want consistency and she won’t get that 😥

Tough shit, he knows how babies happen and knows they cost money to raise so he can dip in his pockets or have his earnings garnished by CMS.

This pathetic excuse for a man is not your friend.

HermioneWeasley · 24/05/2023 20:32

What an absolute loser. He’s the father so he needs to financially support the child he made.

do not give your daughter his surname or put him on the birth certificate or have anything to do with him.