To be annoyed at DH

[nicesunday]

DH had gone to the shop while I put DD (13m) down to nap. After he'd gone out, although I saw it happen it's difficult to describe, she managed to go eye first onto the corner of some skirting (from hands and knees height). Instant screaming and absolutely inconsolable. DH is quite highly trained medically and can assess eyes, so I immediately called him and asked him to come back. He said he would.

I see a missed call about 10 minutes later (because obviously I've been trying to comfort DD) and call him back. He asks if she's settling, which she is beginning to calm down after being in more distress than I've ever seen before, but he hasn't left the shop. I ask him why he's not on his way back and he said because he didn't want to leave a basket full of shopping for someone to have to put back.

I've never called him in a state of panic about DD injuring herself but blunt force trauma to the eye is obviously potentially serious.

AIBU to be annoyed that he was more concerned about the shop staff putting a basket of shopping back than he was about making sure his daughter was ok?

Did you stress the urgency when you called? Did you feel it needed an ambulance?

YANBU

Yes I stressed the urgency, he actually told me to calm down because I saw what happened and thus knew it wasn't a regular bump. An ambulance would have been pointless to be honest.

My husband is a doctor, and I am certain would have reacted exactly the same way as your DH. I think it’s something about working in that field - they are so used at dealing with emergencies they have an automatic sense for what’s a ‘drop everything emergency’, and what’s not. Though I’m equally certain they won’t always get it right!

Hope your daughter is ok.

Can anyone who thinks IABU give me their perspective, because I cannot rationalise DH's "but I had chilled goods" as a fine reason to both disregard my concern and 'lie' about coming back.

I was thinking the same as GirlInterrupt, it sounds as though he recognises this isn't a medical emergency and whilst he's coming home made an assessment he has time to put the shopping back.

Op, if you disagree and don't think your child can wait the extra 10 mins to be seen by someone with medical training might it be a better idea to call 101 and/or take them to a&e?

Hope they're OK!

I understand that it’s scary when your child hurts themselves but if it WAS an emergency you should have dealt with it - unless of course you needed him to drive you to the hospital.
If it wasn’t then he did nothing wrong, if he IS medically trained he’s probably a bit more blasé about accidents than most people.
I hope your child is ok

Hi is your child?

Yabu.

This wasn't a time critical injury, she wasn't going to get worse or better in the short time it took him to finish. I thought you trusted his medical background more than your own judgement but you still think you know better?

I think YABU on the basis that you described the incident to your highly medically trained husband and he made an assessment that it did not require him to return immediately.

You made an assessment that an ambulance would have been pointless although you acknowledge that blunt force trauma to the eye is potentially serious.

I think he is better placed to make his risk assessment than you were to make yours as he had medical training.

Our bodies are designed to react so in DDs case she would have closed her eyes to protect them. Dhs logic is most likely, is her eyeball hanging out.... No? OK a couple more minutes won't make a difference. Most emergencies happen and not seen by a professional is often more than 30mins. You got a fright and so did DD. Its always anger that flashes first imo.

Now had you said she'd somehow sprayed bleach or something in her eye I'm fairly sure he'd have been home.

If he's so highly trained why do you think you know better?

Give me strength. In terms of a risk assessment fair enough she's not going to lose her sight but also, the shop won't go bankrupt because he hands someone a basket and says I have to leave. The family won't go hungry because he doesn't complete the shop. His wife has just rang him in panic. I think fair enough don't break red lights to go home and take the time to hand the basket instead of abandoning it. Also don't bloody lie and say I'm on my way when you're not.

How is your DD, Op?

I voted you are being unreasonable because your daughter was breathing, presumably her eye was still where it was supposed to be and because you didn’t mention any bleeding.

Realistically, even if there was an issue with your daughters eye that needed to be urgently seen, she would still be waiting for hours in an A&E department and then god knows however long before treatment even commenced (surgery etc).

Your husband would have been back to check shortly which would have cut hours off any wait anyway as he would be able to say what was wrong. I also hate to say this, but in my opinion mothers tend to be slightly less rational and composed when they perceive harm to their children. Your husband probably knew he was fine to take another 10-15 minutes to save a lot of faffing around later on.

-As a side note, I am medically trained and very rational with patients, I am definitely not with my own children however. My husbands calmness helps in these situations because my mother instincts fly into hysterical and I catastrophise.

I don’t think it’s helpful for you to say he lied about coming home. In his head, if he stopped shopping and went directly to the checkout, he is telling the truth that he’s coming straight home. In your head, coming straight home means abandoning everything and getting out of there as quickly as he would if the fire alarm had gone off, but him thinking differently doesn’t make him a liar.

I'd trust his medical judgement if he'd assessed her absolutely. But he'd neither done that or seen what had happened so he wasn't in a position whilst at the shop to confidently judge. What's more if he initially says he would head back then he must have had enough cause for concern at one point, but then changed his mind on no further information.

He's trained in eyes so he could assess if it was urgent.

By "I'll be right back" He probably meant "I'll just buy what I have in the basket and then head home"

He called to check if she was settling, and presumably would have reacted quicker if you'd said "no, there's blood everywhere and her eye has popped out".

You say an ambulance wouldn't have helped. What more would he have done quicker? Either "Yes let's get her to hospital" where there will be a wait or "stick some peas on it" which makes little difference with 10 minutes.

Be different he was at the cinema and waited for the 2 hr+ film to finish

I can never understand why so many women on here seem to be incapable of being left alone with their children and just deal with stuff without a man‘s input!

and don’t give me the whole ‘hes better at assessing’ because he made an assessment and you’re kicking off about it!

sorry your kid got hurt, I genuinely am, it’s fuckin horrible, but she’s clearly fine now or I’m assuming you wouldn’t be posting about it so no harm, no foul. She’s probs gunna smack her head a few times tbh

I’m thinking the same as previous posters - my DH is a senior nurse and does have a good sense for what is an emergency and what’s not urgent. He’s seen such awful things in work that he’s unlikely to panic and isn’t easily phased.

I wouldn't have rushed back if DP called to say my LO had bumped their eye either because he's a competent parent who would know if it was an emergency and would take necessary steps.

It's sounds like a nasty accident but I suppose if it was a "real" emergency you would have called an ambulance and your DH recognised that, plus once she started to settle a bit that suggests she was going to be okay and panic over.

I said she'd hit her eye on a pointed corner, he clarified if I meant around her eye or her actual eye which I confirmed I meant directly onto her eye and that was about it because her screaming said the rest. Like I've said, he obviously was concerned initially as he said he would come back. A second thought to the fact he had cold items in his basket is literally the reason he decided not to follow through on what he said, not because I'd given him any further reassurance that it wasn't as serious as I'd initially said.

And I made an assessment not to call an ambulance because paramedics aren't trained to assess eyes nor could they provide any initial treatment. Head injuries, yes, but that wasn't my concern.

OP you say he wasn't coming back but he was in the process of doing that - stopped shopping, putting his basket away etc. To me thats just as true as telling you he was coming back as being in the carpark, getting his coat etc.

I think you’re blowing this up when you don’t need need. Is your daughter ok? If so, he made the right call. Trust his judgement. If it needed urgent care you wouldn’t really have waited around for your husband presumably, and if it needed urgent care - or even the possibility of urgent care - you’d have called 111.