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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed at DH

49 replies

nicesunday · 24/05/2023 17:27

DH had gone to the shop while I put DD (13m) down to nap. After he'd gone out, although I saw it happen it's difficult to describe, she managed to go eye first onto the corner of some skirting (from hands and knees height). Instant screaming and absolutely inconsolable. DH is quite highly trained medically and can assess eyes, so I immediately called him and asked him to come back. He said he would.

I see a missed call about 10 minutes later (because obviously I've been trying to comfort DD) and call him back. He asks if she's settling, which she is beginning to calm down after being in more distress than I've ever seen before, but he hasn't left the shop. I ask him why he's not on his way back and he said because he didn't want to leave a basket full of shopping for someone to have to put back.

I've never called him in a state of panic about DD injuring herself but blunt force trauma to the eye is obviously potentially serious.

AIBU to be annoyed that he was more concerned about the shop staff putting a basket of shopping back than he was about making sure his daughter was ok?

OP posts:

saltinesandcoffeecups · 24/05/2023 18:20

You won’t listen OP, but I think you were scared and now that fear has turned to anger. As others have said it wasn’t bleeding, baby was conscious, alert, and oriented which are the big 3 in emergency assessment.

Talk to your husband when you are both calm, come up with a strategy for future injuries, and perhaps consider going to a first aid class yourself to better prepare for the next time.

Hont1986 · 24/05/2023 18:23

YABU to be annoyed at DH when your reaction is actually a projection of being annoyed at yourself. A bang to her head/eye with no bleeding and a normal reaction (i.e. screaming her head off rather than silence or sleepiness) sounds like a "finish up quickly and come home" situation, not a "drop everything and ignore the speed limits" situation.

Spiderboy · 24/05/2023 18:24

I’d have paid for the shopping too…
if it was an absolute emergency then you should have gone to A&E or called 999, which you didn’t do, so it obviously wasn’t a drop everything and run scenario? I can’t see why paying for the shopping makes any difference and I wouldn’t want to leave it for someone else to put away either. Is she your first child?

KateyCuckoo · 24/05/2023 18:24

You asked if you were being unreasonable and when people said yes, you asked why we thought yes. And you're telling us we're wrong.... why exactly are you asking then?

changewhale · 24/05/2023 18:27

nicesunday · 24/05/2023 18:08

I said she'd hit her eye on a pointed corner, he clarified if I meant around her eye or her actual eye which I confirmed I meant directly onto her eye and that was about it because her screaming said the rest. Like I've said, he obviously was concerned initially as he said he would come back. A second thought to the fact he had cold items in his basket is literally the reason he decided not to follow through on what he said, not because I'd given him any further reassurance that it wasn't as serious as I'd initially said.

And I made an assessment not to call an ambulance because paramedics aren't trained to assess eyes nor could they provide any initial treatment. Head injuries, yes, but that wasn't my concern.

Show quote history

I mean I would have phoned 111 or headed to the eye hospital before calling my DH if I were in that position.

GoodChat · 24/05/2023 18:28

Do you think he could have assessed her while she was screaming? He couldn't. It's better for him to wait for her to calm down.

changewhale · 24/05/2023 18:28

If you didn't have an on call medical professional in the form of DH what would you have done? I would do that next time and then phone DH.

CupEmpty · 24/05/2023 18:32

YABU. I can understand if in the moment you were a bit stressed/ anxious that he didn’t come back but to still be annoyed now is unreasonable. I’m a doctor. 10 minutes even if she hit her actual eye would make zero difference and is irrelevant. And dear god don’t call an ambulance for this kind of thing, not because “paramedics can’t assess eyes” but because it’s completely unnecessary!

Oysterbabe · 24/05/2023 18:33

What was the outcome? How is she now?

33goingon64 · 24/05/2023 18:35

If this was me in the same situation, I definitely wouldn't have expected DH to drop everything literally and run. It's not like he stopped off for a pint. Has he now assessed your DD and is she OK? You've obviously had time to type all these posts so presumably she's not badly injured?

EvilElsa · 24/05/2023 18:36

Poor little thing, I hope she has settled now and it isn't too painful for her! I agree with an above poster that your anger is probably down to the shock you got. It's awful when your child hurts themselves, particularly babies who can't explain what hurts and where.
From your description it sounds like your DH deals with these issues regularly and would have pretty good immediate assessment skills, even over the phone. I assume that he was correct and she is OK now (I hope!) and didn't need any treatment beyond some cuddles.
I remember having a near panic attack when DD fell and bumped her head at around the same age as yours. Came up in a massive egg immediately and I rushed to the GP. The nurse gave me a pitying look and said "your first one?" 🤣.

notsorighteousthesedays · 24/05/2023 18:36

I think YANBU, you wanted your husband's support when your daughter was injured and upset and you didn't know how bad the injury was.

He didn't try to reassure you or explain he didn't think it sounded serious and that you would be able to cope until he got back. He said he would come straight back and then didn't.

I would feel that he didn't respect my judgement or my concern, and instead decided to prioritise his shopping, presumably thinking it would be a hassle to have to go back.

Even if he was confident she wasn't badly hurt he still decided he could ignore her, and your, obvious distress simply to suit his own convenience.

tommyshelbysbunnit · 24/05/2023 18:36

Is she okay?

WhatADrabCarpet · 24/05/2023 18:41

What do you think those of us with non medically trained partners would have done?
We'd have waited a bit or taken to A&E or called an ambulance.
All this would have taken much longer than the few minutes that it took for your partner to finish his shopping and come home.

Count yourself lucky that you have your own resident medic at home.
And be thankful that your baby is ok.

Effieswig · 24/05/2023 18:45

I am going to guess she is actually fine, didn’t need medical treatment and didn’t actually hit the corner or the skirting board into her actual eye.

Azandme · 24/05/2023 18:49

You are being incredibly dramatic.

Over what? A couple of minutes paying for shopping. A couple of minutes which wouldn't make enough of a difference to matter if she had needed emergency treatment (but the time spent calling your husband home instead of going to A&E could have.

You're annoyed at him, when he should be annoyed at you for such a ridiculous overreaction.

I assume you are ignoring all of the kind enquiries after your dd because she's fine - and that would prove DH was in the right.

rwalker · 24/05/2023 19:00

If someone rung me for advice I wouldn’t deem it urgent
if it was urgent you’d be ring ambulance or on your way to hospital not for advice
I think u feel guilty it happened on your watch and your taking it out on Dh

arethereanyleftatall · 24/05/2023 19:03

Effieswig · 24/05/2023 18:45

I am going to guess she is actually fine, didn’t need medical treatment and didn’t actually hit the corner or the skirting board into her actual eye.

I second this and I'll hazard a guess it's what the husband guessed too.

Yabu.

My ex husband is medical, and actually, I loved his lack of urgency every time I was having an ott panic at everything. It really reassured me they were fine. 'She's got meningitis!!' 'No, she's tired' etc etc

Tribblesarelovely · 24/05/2023 19:08

I’m so sorry, it’s distressing when your small child is hurt and screams like that. I was a nurse for a long time and I wouldn’t have left my shopping either based on the information you gave. Screaming like that usually indicates they’re just scared, not seriously hurt.

ChocolateRaisin09 · 24/05/2023 20:03

I agree that medical people tend to be so chilled about their own family 😂 and I do think you're overly angry,
However!
I have been there, I have/had trauma from a few things and am really sensitive to "perceived danger", especially to my daughter. It has led to some extreme over reactions, but I'm getting better and can recognise it now. So I'd ask if you might be like this?
I also have a husband who has completely different priorities to me, while I will drop everything for my family's every need (not necessarily a good thing), he will do practical/material things first, which drives me bonkers! But in a way, we're a decent team. What I mean is, you sound like us! And maybe you will balance each other out...
And also, the first few injuries for your first kid are always horrifying xxx

powerrangers · 24/05/2023 20:29

GabriellaMontez · 24/05/2023 17:57

If he's so highly trained why do you think you know better?

Because he was t there to see it so could only go by what was said. Screaming child in the background and panicked mother I would think might suggest it was worth coming back for.

newjobnewstartihope · 24/05/2023 20:37

Very ott sorry

FeigningConcern · 25/05/2023 00:14

I'm with you OP. Sort of thing my DH would do ie communicate poorly and/or prioritise the wrong things.

SleepyRich · 25/05/2023 00:50

I don't think there's anything too unreasonable in what he did, probably a little in work/taking referral mode if anything - the "yep I'll come right up" - finishes task he was in the middle of then head over is - is fairly typical in hospitals.

If he was worried would the response not have been - take her to A&E/emergency eye clinic and I'll meet you there... As in if he felt it sounded like she had a penetrating eye injury there's probably not anything he could actually do so if he's coming home the expectation is that she likely won't need treatment and but he can provide the more expert opinion/reassurance that this is the case.

Definitely right on the not calling for a paramedic even if it was a penetrating/obviously an emergency eye injury. I've been to jobs where people have waited hours for us on the ambulance when they had a car on the drive and could have easily made their own way, but they choose to delay their arrival at hospital by at least 30 minutes (can often be hours) by choosing to wait for us, when in the case of a penetrating eye injury probably the maximum I'm going to do is loosely tape some gauze over the area. If it were my eye I'd want to be with the Doctors sooner over the convenience of the yellow taxi.

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