To have told this man on ancestry to do one

[AnyaMarx]

Long story short

I've done an ancestry dna test

A bloke got in touch saying he was the nephew of my maternal grandfather.

I met him once but he was a violent drunk who beat my gran and threw her downstairs while pregnant. Her mum - my great gran threw him out and locked the door .

This guy starts waxing lyrical about what a "great guy" and "wonderful man " he was. ( then tells me he only met him a handful of times as he lives in Canada ) My mother and her brother (so his own kids ) wanted nothing to do with him . He died alone and was t found for 2 months- he lived in a bed sit - never remarried or had more kids .

I'm nc with my mother and have been for 25 years. The only reason I did the dna test is because I do t know who my father is .

So this bloke starts to tell me the reason my "mom " maybe wasn't in touch with her dad is because of my gran and what she said about him -

The "spin" she gave he said - yeah well the spin was that he was a violent drunk . My mother confirmed this to me .

I saw red . Messaged him back asking how dare he even try to disrespect the woman who raised me ( my gran) when he didn't have a bloody clue , told him his "wonderful man" of an uncle was in fact a violent pissed up wife beater and told him not to contact me again - and I blocked . I was livid he thought it ok to try and disprespect my gran who was my mum , my dad , my rock .

Now I've cooled off a bit - I'm feeling a bit bad . Did I over react ? I just got so angry he was trying to tell me that my nan - who he didn't know , had never met , was somehow responsible for his bloody uncle not having contact with his kids - he could have - he knew where they were ! He fucked off ! He never even tried ! There's a reason men like that die alone undiscovered for months . Usually cos they're twats .

My nan died in 2004 but she never ever lied about anything. She didn't dwell on the past but she did tell me what had happened with her first husband. I was absolutely livid that someone thought it fine to wade in with this shite and I felt I had to defend her .

She was a warm , funny , courageous, amazingly talented woman and she raised me - I knew her . I loved her and respected her .

I'm unlikely to find what I want in ancestry (my dads identity) and it's out me right off the whole thing tbh . I k t get angry often - but when I do ....I do .

Was I rude or unreasonable? I'm feeling a bit shit now on all fronts.

It sounds like the person who messaged you had been brought up with an entirely different narrative he had no reason to disbelieve and he had uncritically accepted that. It was a bit rude, blinkered and incredibly insensitive for him to message you the way he did.

You sound like you weren't really prepared for the possibilities that using ancestry could open up (I don't think I would be either). So your response came from the hip and while it sounds like it wasn't particularly polite, doesn't sound entirely undeserved. I wouldn't spend much time regretting it if I were you. But this guy wasn't responsible for the harm your grandfather visited on your grandmother. You seem to have channeled a lot of hurt into your response and it may indicate you have some feelings you've been carrying around that you could do with exploring a bit and coming to terms with.

I think you're spot on . The only reason I did the dna test ( someone bought it for me thinking it might help) was to see if I could ever get a name for my father . That's was it . The sole reason .

I didn't expect someone messaging me and being disrespectful about the woman who raised me . Caught me completely off guard .

If my mother would just answer my questions about d not have bothered but she won't - it's the only power she has over me so I gave it back and said fine . Tell me or don't but I won't be held over a barrel. She's not a nice person and didn't have much to do with me growing up , when she married she chose an abusive child beating bully so that was the nail in our coffin . I was in care a bit and left at 16 . Not seen her in 25 years.

I've got
Macches drom my parent 2 dna side bit I dunno what I hoped
For - no one knew about me ! So now I'm asking people and they're going well I did t know you're mum - well no ! She was a dirty little secret and my father didn't announce her to his family and nor did he tell anyone I was expected. So no one knows about me .

today you're angry
but it does sound like you are getting closer to finding your father if you have some dna matches.
the info will remain online, i would give yourself some time, put the project down so to speak until your feeling more settled. obviously this experience is a sensitive topic.

It sounds like there must be a huge amount of emotion and pain tied up in this for you. You were possibly a bit rude, but on the other hand who cares! He was quite insensitive to go slagging off someone that he didn't know to their close relative. I'm sure he's not given it a moment of thought beyond "she's blocked me - what's her problem?!" so please dont worry about it. I hope you can find some peace and closure in the whole situation

I think what you said was okay given the history, don’t feel bad, most people on Ancestry are just looking to complete a family tree, and this guy clearly has a rose tinted image of the British family.

My husband dabbles in this area. Most people don't get a father match right away - yes some do. If you do get a match on your paternal side, somebody can construct a family tree. To be simplistic, the closer the relation the more DNA is shared. You can slot people into a family tree based on this. So you would probably need to get somebody to do this for you if you have found somebody related on your father's side. I've seen my husband work out trees from very limited beginnings and people have found fathers (and mothers in case of adoptions). Sometimes it is a wonderful experience for people who find their parents but sometimes it is definitely not a wonderful experience so you have to have realistic expectations.

I think don’t worry about him amd focus on achieving finding your father if possible. What are your matches looking like on your paternal side, are they close enough for you to be able to work out who he is?

It can take a bit of work on the matches to be able to figure it out a lot of the time. You can find out a lot without having to contact people very often.

You were not wrong at all. I had to do something similar. My dad's dad died before he was born (war time) and so obviously he never knew him. He was super protective of his dad's memory. Sadly my dad has now passed.

A man got in touch with my cousin who does family tree and was adamant that he was our family and that we had to talk to him and tell him all about us and ours lives. He was furious wheb we didn't do as he demanded because "he was family!". He reckoned his mother was the love child of my grandfather and that we had to tell him whatever he wanted to know. He had only his mother's word that this man (my grandfather) was allegedly her father from before he met my gran, but they had never met/he had never acknowledged her.

He first messaged approx 3 months after my dad had first died and the tone of his messages was always "I'll find out anyway so you have to tell me" and so bullying. My mum told him where to go and so did I but he didn't listen. We blocked him and refused to engage with any line of conversation about him with cousin.

He then went on to contact all our other family who did family tree (mostly distant and unknown to us) and had since slagged us off to all of them despite none of them knowing us. (couldn't care less but we only found out after joining ancestry during lockdown for their free period as we had heard something else about our family tree we wanted to check and people we linked family members with got in touch to say.

He tried to link with us again and had this blurb all over his tree where you could write about your relative and what you now about them how he was the grandchild of this man a d that others were blocking him from knowing his "destiny".

A year ago he did a dna test. Turns out his actual grandfather was a ladies man who had children far a d wide who was a proper arse apparently as he had paternal links with them or however they work it out. Definitely 100 percent nothing to do with us. From what I was told he was not happy about it 😂🤣🤦🏻‍♀️

Long story short - you can't control what others believe, especially when they're working on a tissue of lies and Chinese whispers. All you can do is protect yourself and enjoy your memories. You know the truth. Good luck x

The msg he's on his side are first -2nd cousin - well that's the closest I've got anyway . But no I es knows about me or my mother so they aren't recognising anything

I don't want to interfere in anyone's life I just want an identity.

My nan had 5 children altogether and raised
Me as her 6th and as the baby - I got the best ! She spoilt me rotten - not with material wealth - but as she always said to me - I was spoilt with love . And I was . Luckily because what came next was pretty horrendous and without her giving me the start I had I'd be dead now I think .
So I got so angry at this idiot mansplaining Canadian not a clue bloke trying to tell me something about my nan - bugger off .

Scuse typos I'm so tried ! I'm having a lupus flare up and my brain and fingers are not connecting

Go on to Facebook search for the group DNA Detectives. You may have to ask to join, ask for a search angel to help you find your father with your DNA test. If they have time one of the volunteers will help build a tree to identify your father. They volunteer their time free of charge.

Can I recommend you go on Facebook. . And join groups like dna detectives .
There you can find seach angels that look for free into your tree .

I have a uncle I was not allowed to know . Meet someone on ancestry who knew him and like him though he did use his parents.

Everybody knows a different version of our relations .

This is good advice. That’s a great match and a search angel should be able to very much narrow down who your father is from that . When you join DNA detectives look at the files section at the top and it will tell you how to request a search angel.

Also look at downloading your DNA from Ancestry and putting it on My Heritage, Gedmatch and Family Tree DNA just in case someone closer to your father has tested on any of them.

Thank you . I'll do that . All I've wanted is a name - I'm not looking to interfere in anyone's life .

There's 2 dna detectives- one uk and one international - I've requested membership to both but is either better ?

You were not wrong to defend your grandmother. You knew her best and you knew her very well.
The Canadian, through no fault of his own, was ignorant to his family and just believed what he was told by others.
I don't think he meant to disrespect you. In one way it is good to know the truth about what the nasty wife beater had told every body and so now you have the chance of setting the record straight.

Have good luck with the DNA search of your father.
Can you ask an historian to speak with your mother and glean any information out of her? It is very annoying and cruel that she refuses to inform you of your own bloodline.
Do you know any of your mother's friends of close cousins who might know some tiny threads of your story?

If your ancestry is British join the fb group dna detectives uk, I’m a search angel there and they are a lovely bunch and will be helpful. Good luck!

Put it all to one side and look after yourself. Lupus is horrible and a flare up needs lots of tlc.
Forget about the Canadian 2nd cousin, rose tinted view etc etc You know the truth of the matter and that’s what matters. Fwiw I’d have done the same as you— drunk abusers don’t get explained away.
Come back to the search for your father when you’re feeling better.

Yes I think you over reacted. He was just trying to be nice and can only go by what he’s been told. There’s no need to lose your head over it.

You probably overreacted, but to be totally honest North Americans can be extremely irritating when it comes to their heritage as they are obsessed with it for some reason. So I can fully imagine his over-familiar, enthusiastic tone would have wound you up

Just a reminder. Some of us are related to horrible people you would never wish to meet. When you submit dna for ancestry purposes you are turning over a rock, hoping to find diamonds but likely to reveal something you don't want to know about. Keep it in mind when you do this and be prepared to find things you wish you hadn't.

+1 - Maybe join both in case but only ask for a search angel in the UK one first. If they are busy, it wont be personal, you could then ask in the UK one first and if they are busy you could ask in the US group. They are really friendly group, I have never requested assistance but I love reading the stories of the countess number of people they to find, in many cases, parents. If there are enough high enough matched they will often find them, they can even help with making first contact. You story and information is never shared with you permission. It is one of the best places to start. Good luck!

It was a totally understandable reaction.

Have you talked to anyone about what you’re doing? Trying to find your ‘identity’? It might help you to have someone to talk through your feelings with and help prepare you for the possibilities of what might happen if you do find him. It’s an emotional minefield and it couldn’t hurt to have some support as you work your way through it.

OK there are two things going on here. First the fact you have encountered someone who has a very different perception of someone you knew well. That happens in lots of different scenarios and you don't have to agree with what their perception is. You knew your granny well, he didn't. You have a genetic link to this guy - a fairly distant one - but that doesn't mean you "owe" him your time. You have no obligation to him.

On the DNA thing, this is something I know quite a lot about. Ancestry DNA (or the other websites like MyHeritage, 23andMe) do not offer the service whereby you send of your DNA sample adn they tell you who your father is, or your grandfather. Lots of people have this misconception and it's understandable the way they market their tests.

DNA testing for genealogy is a test of genetic closeness. It looks at your DNA which is a big string of letters, and looks for matches in other people's strings of letters. Other people who have tested with the company, not people in general. The more bits of DNA which match, the closer the relationship. If there is, for example, a 50% match between your DNA and someone else's, then that other person is most likely a sibling or parent.

But most people do not get matches which are that close. As the OP has found out, many of us get more distant matches like a second cousin (someone who shares the same set of great grandparents). If you're trying to unravel a half-relationship, like one man who had children with multiple women, then the percentages are reduced (you'd share about 25% of DNA with a half-sibling, for example).

That's why you still need to do the traditional genealogy of building family trees and understanding how your matches all fit together. There are lots of tools for doing this but it is quite complicated if you have never heard the word centimorgan before. The advice upthread about asking for advice from Facebook experts is a good one. The first thing I'd do is sort your matches into maternal and paternal as it's your paternal side you're interested in.