To have told this man on ancestry to do one

[AnyaMarx]

Long story short

I've done an ancestry dna test

A bloke got in touch saying he was the nephew of my maternal grandfather.

I met him once but he was a violent drunk who beat my gran and threw her downstairs while pregnant. Her mum - my great gran threw him out and locked the door .

This guy starts waxing lyrical about what a "great guy" and "wonderful man " he was. ( then tells me he only met him a handful of times as he lives in Canada ) My mother and her brother (so his own kids ) wanted nothing to do with him . He died alone and was t found for 2 months- he lived in a bed sit - never remarried or had more kids .

I'm nc with my mother and have been for 25 years. The only reason I did the dna test is because I do t know who my father is .

So this bloke starts to tell me the reason my "mom " maybe wasn't in touch with her dad is because of my gran and what she said about him -

The "spin" she gave he said - yeah well the spin was that he was a violent drunk . My mother confirmed this to me .

I saw red . Messaged him back asking how dare he even try to disrespect the woman who raised me ( my gran) when he didn't have a bloody clue , told him his "wonderful man" of an uncle was in fact a violent pissed up wife beater and told him not to contact me again - and I blocked . I was livid he thought it ok to try and disprespect my gran who was my mum , my dad , my rock .

Now I've cooled off a bit - I'm feeling a bit bad . Did I over react ? I just got so angry he was trying to tell me that my nan - who he didn't know , had never met , was somehow responsible for his bloody uncle not having contact with his kids - he could have - he knew where they were ! He fucked off ! He never even tried ! There's a reason men like that die alone undiscovered for months . Usually cos they're twats .

My nan died in 2004 but she never ever lied about anything. She didn't dwell on the past but she did tell me what had happened with her first husband. I was absolutely livid that someone thought it fine to wade in with this shite and I felt I had to defend her .

She was a warm , funny , courageous, amazingly talented woman and she raised me - I knew her . I loved her and respected her .

I'm unlikely to find what I want in ancestry (my dads identity) and it's out me right off the whole thing tbh . I k t get angry often - but when I do ....I do .

Was I rude or unreasonable? I'm feeling a bit shit now on all fronts.

OP,

I don't think you have a single thing to regret.

The arrogance and presumption to mansplain YOUR loving grandmother as a bitter vengeful woman would drag a reaction from most.

Some people think they are somehow morally superior to others if they "explain" unacceptable behaviour away in a forgiving manner.

Invariably they were never the victims of the awful behaviour.

He was rude to think he could denigrate someone he didn't know to you, and not illicit a sharp reaction.

You probably feel bad because you aren't feeling well and the annoyance has taken energy that you don't have.

I always feel dreadful after getting annoyed about something.

You were defending someone who was your everything growing up, I think she would be proud of your firm defense of her.

I wish you the best finding your fathers name.

His response was insensitive and naive. I don't think he ever considered how somebody else might feel about this issue (probably due to the narrative he was given as a child).

Your response was understandable. It was admittedly a bit blunt... but completely understandable. This is a difficult situation. I hope he will learn something from it (some caution when contacting distant relatives, for example...).

Please consider that you may encounter similarly difficult attitudes when you find what you are looking for. I hope you have a good support system in place.

I would actually sit down and write out what happened with your grandfather, in cold factual terms. And then unblock and send it to him.
The reason I’m saying this is yes he was way off the mark, but that’s the story he had been brought up with…. Doesn’t excuse the way he acted but at least then he would know your side. You could also tell him how much he has hurt you and been disrespectful towards your beloved grandmother.

As for finding your dad, be prepared that you will probably be a big shock for his family and they may not be happy to hear from you.

His *mesaage

OP: this is a difficult situation, I imagine it to be very emotionally draining. Feeling a bit shit is therefore understandable.

But your response was fine. There's no need to feel bad about it imo.

Just wondering do you have to have done your DNA for help, or do they help generally? Sorry to jump in on your post.

If you have not done a DNA test, then it'd be more appropriate to look for a general genealogy or family history group.

Agree with this.

Hardly anyone ever knows the truth of what goes on in families. There will always be different stories based on what version you have been told.

The Canadian gentleman was pretty rude in casting aspersions on your grandmother in his first contact with you. He should have realized this might not go down well. She was your grandmother for goodness sake.

If your first approach to someone is to insult their grandmother you shouldn't be surprised if you get bluntly put straight. It was a hot button topic for you and you lashed out. I do the same with if someone talks to me about animal abuse. It just makes me see red.

Nothing about the OP's post suggested she had this misconception so I'm not sure who you're 'splaining to but it comes across as really patronising, have you read the thread??

Of course I read the thread...

The OP says "I'm unlikely to find what I want in ancestry (my dads identity)"

That's the misconception. The site cannot ever do that. Any DNA testing gives you the numbers then it's up to you. Living people are often not listed in records on Ancestry anyway and you have to do the genealogy the old fashioned way by going back in time and building trees.

Think it's patronising if you like but I do know what i'm talking about here. I have seen it time and time again where people are misled into thinking that the DNA test will give them a list of people and how they are related and it's not like that at all.

Unfortunately it does sound like you've both been raised with entirely different narratives. He may well be every bit as passionate and invested that his beloved uncle was disrespected if he had only ever been fed an opposing narrative. I think unless there's anything specific you think he can tell you about your identity I'd probably leave things as they are and move on if you can.

@billy1966 I commend this post, and agree heartily.

Anyone with an ounce of social skills would realise they have been raised with one version of events and not just wade straight in with nasty comments about someone they never met.
There's nothing nice about doing that.

I think the guy overstepped the mark, but was clearly unaware how triggering this would be for you. If you are feeling bad about your response I'd be inclined to message him and explain that - not because you owe him an explanation, but so you feel better about it. In terms of finding who your dad was - I've been there. My mum also wouldn't talk to me about it, and it was hugely damaging to our relationship. The chances are close matches won't know about you, but there will be a link there somewhere - in my case there was no-one living who knew the truth. I got there in the end through my dna results - it's a long story, but one of the things that helped is something called the Leeds Method - google Leeds Method DNA and you'll find it. It's a system for organising your dna matches that will help narrow down where the connection is. Might be helpful for you.

YWNBU. Fuck him defending a man he never knew and dismissing a woman he never knew. Despite you having actual evidence to the contrary.

I had this on ancestry. Some random popped up and decided to tell me how the information I had on someone’s death was incorrect and how he knew best because…

I went absolutely spare. The person he was talking about was my dad. Don’t tel me I don’t know what day and where my dad died. I was there!! I bloody know exactly! Dickheads abound honestly.

I don't think you're being unreasonable in this situation. I had a similar thing happen some 10 years ago... I was like you. And the person I was in contact with was the same as this man you talk about (distant cousin?)

I went NC with most of my extended family when my parents died close together, about 12 years ago... (and my brother, SIL and 2 nephews went NC with them too.) My mother's 2 sisters and her brother treated her like shit, (as did their 5 kids.) They stole from my parents, borrowed, begged, and cadged. They also raided their house of everything they could get when my mother and father died 6 months apart (father first, mother 6 months later.). After mother's funeral, I went NC with them.

I then only had contact with my brother and his wife and my two nephews. And an aunt and 2 cousins, 25 miles away. I have my kids, and my husband too. I moved away, and I was happy to have these toxic people many miles away, and watched in wonder as people who knew us all, regaled me with tales of how they all fell out with each other and fought amongst themselves.

So anyway, I joined Genes Reunited this one day, to see if I could see if there was any family I didn't know about, as my mother had 1 brother who she lost contact with many years before I was born, and he had 3 children. HER nan had 5 children. My Dad had very little family, and was an only child, and didn't really know his small extended family as his parents moved 100s of miles away from their very small family a few years before.

Well, this bloke called Andrew got in touch. It turned out we shared a great grandfather. He said he remembers my two aunts and my uncle with fondness and really liked them.. He said they were Stellar people and wanted to know if I have got contact details for them. I said I was on here to try and find more relatives. Relatives I didn't know. And I wasn't here to give details of family members I have not been in touch with for the last 10 years or so. And I have no contact now anyway.

'That's a shame you are not in touch with them anymore,' he said. I said 'They're actually very toxic. They treated my mum like shit, and me and my brother.... They are greedy, and grabby, and they robbed my parents house when they died. Really close together. Over a decade ago. I would give them a swerve if I were you.'

He said. 'I think it's a shame you talk about them like that.' And he didn't get in touch with me again. No loss. Then I spotted him on facebook about 6 months later, and he'd got all of them on his friends list. This was about 10 years ago.

Had a nose again a year later and they'd all gone off his facebook. And there was a message on his page. 'People are just not what you expect them to be, are they?' He messaged me back on Genes Reunited a few weeks after I saw this facebook post (I was still registered on genes reunited) and said 'you were right about them all along. Do you still want to be in touch?' I blocked him. Didn't believe me and favoured them? Do one mate.

It looks like he found out what they were like as well. Nasty, gobby, grabby, greedy users who will actually steal from you. So yeah, I told him what they were like. He didn't believe me. And he found it himself.

You can try to make it work with this man @Ostryga but I wouldn't bother. He has already made up his mind that your nan was the one in the wrong.