Cut her off

[Makemyday99]

I recently (last 12 months) joined a fitness group which is working out well, I’ve befriended a lady in the group she’s lovely but she has separated from her husband & she doesn’t stop slagging him off. Her ex is with a new partner & her ex is coercive gaslighting etc etc ( buzz words she likes to throw around) So much so that she’s asked us to slate his new partners business online. My husband plays rugby with her ex & the story is very different and he said that she turned up & tipped a bag of clothes out on the pitch whilst shouting. She also claims that their kids don’t want to go near him however they were with him last week. I don’t like to judge but I do think she’s a massive drama queen & a liar, should I cut her off as I think she’s full of shit?

I wouldn’t necessarily cut her off but definitely make it clear you won’t be posting any negative reviews online and maybe put a bit of distance between you if you can, as she sounds a bit crazy!

She's hurt and angry.

Do you like her? Can you steer her away from talking about him? Acknowledge that she's sad but just change the subject when she brings him up.

There is his version and her version; they are both valid. The truth is most likely somewhere in the middle.

I like her she’s lovely but I’m not comfortable with hearing about her ex when I know it’s not true.

It’s completely up to you and it sounds like you have gone off her a bit. But if she’s just a casual friend you do fitness and go for an occasional coffee with I don’t think you necessarily need to alter anything. I agree it’s bizarre that she’s she’s asked you to troll her husband’s business but all you should need to do is say no. Hopefully that will be the end of it and if it’s not you can always think again.

My guess is that the break up is a huge traumatic event for her and she’s behaving at her worst atm, but that won’t last.

How does you know it's not true? Just because you see the kids with him doesn't mean they want to be there. Did he cheat on her? Unless you have been through this yourself you really don't know how bloody awful, depressing and all consuming it is. Poor woman. It can take years to recover from trauma which is probably what she's going through. Cut her some slack.

Yes she is a casual friend but my husband knows her ex & from what he says she’s embellishing the truth, I understand she’s hurt but I don’t like trying to damage someone’s reputation by posting unkind things online

Please stop that. No he didn’t cheat as far as I know & she didn’t say so.

How do you know it isn’t true?

It really isn’t, Dad has residency of youngest despite her BS…she’s very nice but one has to wonder

I wouldn't be slating the partners business but I would be taking what her ex has to say with a pinch of salt. There are far too many men in this World with supposedly crazy exes. She sounds upset and you can be damn sure he is the cause of it.

You know don't what's true. There's her side, his side and then there's the truth.

I avoid people who publicly create drama. I don’t have the energy for that.

No I would never do that. There’s also too many histrionic women with abusive, gaslighting, coercive ex’s so I will take what she says with even less of a pinch.

What you do know is true is that she asking you to post negative reviews about him online. Something for which you have no basis to do. This is harassment. Which cannot be justified by her being hurt either legally or morally.

For anyone who thinks it is please remember that the victims of harassment following a split are usually woman and the perpetrators are usually abusive exs. It’s therefore a good thing that it’s a criminal offence.

The bottom line is that she doesn’t have the right to harass him, not when they were together and not when they have split up. A lot of this could completely backfire on her. She will probably not only lose you as a friend but other people, whether justified or not she will be labelled as unhinged and she would get into legal problems.

I doubt she will listen so best to distance yourself.

She sounds like an effing lunatic. Bin her off.

So far I don't think anyone thinks it's acceptable to ask OP to slate the partners business.

Maybe this is a two step process?

1. say, kindly but firmly, “You seem to be very troubled by the break up. I hope you csn get some therapy to manage this difficult experience. Things will get better over time. Lets talk about something else.”

If she can’t accept this reasonable boundary then step 2) which is to have less time for her.

My sister in law looked like an effing lunatic when my brother left but I know what my brother is like. He is a complete narcissist but he came out smelling of Roses. He did things in a sneaky way that caused her to react. Unfortunately she wasn't as sneaky and clever as him. He used to beat her and went as far as joining a domestic abuse group and said she beat him. The stories I could tell and people thought he was the victim.

What do you mean by “cut her off?”

You attend the same fitness class, so surely you can continue to attend without getting so involved in her personal business?

I might have misunderstood as I am usually so gasping for breath and carefully following instructor that I don’t have the ability to engage in conversation whilst working out!!!

You don’t have to socialise with her afterwards either, just leave.

I don’t like trying to damage someone’s reputation by posting unkind things online

Well, you are absolutely under no obligation to do this. Stick to your principles. Why get involved anyway? No good will come of it.

Good advice.

She may be telling the truth, embellishing the truth, or completely making it all up. Only she and her ex know what is and isn't the truth.
In your shoes I would be stepping away a little at a time and would certainly be warning her against posting inflammatory stuff online.

“Histrionic women”?
You don’t like her much do you?
I don’t think she needs a friend who sees her like that.
She may be making stuff up or being dramatic but her ex is probably down playing stuff too

I remember years ago a friend of mine was dating and had moved in with this guy "Tom". I had met him a number of times, been on hols etc so knew him well. I got on very well with him but anytime we (me and her) would meet up she would spend a lot of time giving out about him.

She came up to my house one evening and we had just opened a beer each and she started. I just said to her that I don't want to hear you moaning about Tom all evening. She threatened to leave so I said "off you go". She pulled back once I didn't object to her leaving and calmed down - said something about not being able to drink and drive haha - she had taken a mouthful at that stage - but it shut her up moaning about him for the night.

Whatever the wrongs or rights leading up to the breakup, she isn't dealing with it very well. I had a neighbour who was very negative about their ex-partner and initially I was very sympathetic, but after a while I felt I wasn't helping her by being sympathetic, I was feeding the negativity. I tried to stay friendly but move the conversation on to things other than how horrible he was.

I would definitely refuse to do anything against her ex or his new partner.

Whether you carry on being friends is up to you, but I would need more from a casual friendship than she is currently giving you. If it were a long standing friend it would be different, but it sounds like she is using you to a certain extent to off load. She might not be around as a friend once she has naturally "moved on" herself.