Cut her off

[Makemyday99]

I recently (last 12 months) joined a fitness group which is working out well, I’ve befriended a lady in the group she’s lovely but she has separated from her husband & she doesn’t stop slagging him off. Her ex is with a new partner & her ex is coercive gaslighting etc etc ( buzz words she likes to throw around) So much so that she’s asked us to slate his new partners business online. My husband plays rugby with her ex & the story is very different and he said that she turned up & tipped a bag of clothes out on the pitch whilst shouting. She also claims that their kids don’t want to go near him however they were with him last week. I don’t like to judge but I do think she’s a massive drama queen & a liar, should I cut her off as I think she’s full of shit?

I think you're getting too involved and invested here. "One has to wonder". Why? Why does one have to wonder? They're not together any more, it's not like you're worrying about someone in an unhappy/dangerous situation. You've said she's a casual friend. Just leave it at that. You don't have to take any decisive action. When you see her, just let her vent. You don't have to have an opinion on it. People like this can indeed be very draining, drama oriented, but you do have a choice about how much of it you let in. If she ends up being too draining, just reduce contact and let it fizzle. Don't get embroiled in wondering what "the truth" is, you'll never ever know.

We started seeing more of each other as we got familiar, meeting for coffee outside of the classes not having nights out together or going away together type of friendship but I’m increasingly hearing more from her by way of text asking if I’m free to meet up. To be honest I don’t really care about what the truth actually is I’m just sick of the constant slagging him & his partner off I find it too much drama & draining. I just wasn’t sure if I should just keep her at arms length & refuse any invitation to meet except in the classes or be honest with her & see where that leaves us. I know she has lied as I’ve caught her out a couple of times as she forgot what she had lied about & had to backtrack but I knew she had lied. I don’t know whether to give her benefit of doubt because she’s angry at her ex so get over it eventually or cut her off as she’s likely to lie about other aspects of her life & be a drama queen all the time.

I don't the truth of what happened in their relationship is the issue here tbh. I think she is being VVVU to expect you to write a bad review of her husbands business when you haven't even been a customer there. She can write her own reviews. Not make others do her dirty work for her. However she may have been treated or not by her ex, she has no right to drag you into it. Not your circus, not your monekys.

@Makemyday99 YABVVVVVVVVVVU for calling Gaslighting & Coercive behaviour "Buzz words" ffs, it's abuse! Just because the term 'gaslighting' has only recently been acknowledged as terminology to describe a behaviour, by the vast majority of society* doesn't make it a buzz word and neither does the actual abusive behaviour it refers to! Abuse is abuse.

*'Gaslighting' has actually been used to describe that particular behaviour since the film 'Gaslight' was released in 1944! 🙄

You don't sound like a decent friend to her anyway so she will be better off without you in her life

Does she know that you have a connection to her Ex? She might reel it in around you once she knows you could basically fact check what she is saying.

For some reason you seem far more inclined to believe the man's version, which is interesting.

Personally I would assume that there were kernels of truth on both sides, meaning it is highly unlikely that the ex is the blameless soul he is showing his rugger mates.

If she has redeeming features I would smile and nod while she bitches, before changing the conversation, every time.

If she asks you about the review thing I'd say something along the lines of "'ooh no, I wouldn't go down that road."

@Makemyday99 Oh and I was violently abused as a child by my Dad. Both my mum & I were. Yet my Dad was the jolliest, funniest & friendliest man you could ever meet! Those who knew him would say "Awww bless him he's lovely isn't he?!"

I remember once running round to my friend's house terrified with blood pouring out of my ear. My friend cleaned my ear up then went to get her mum (who adored my Dad). Well she was furious that I could suggest that I'd been hit by "that poor bloke" and frogmarched me back home to "break the news to him that his daughter's been spreading malicious lies"
There we all were in our living room, listening to her talking to my parents about how awful I am etc" (despite the fact that my friend had seen & cleared the blood off my ear yet said NOTHING!) knowing that when she left I was going to be annihilated and that my mum would get it too.

He's been dead 12 years now and to this day, nobody knows what he was really like and speak so fondly of the hilarious, jolly "teddy bear" who would chat to & joke with everyone.

My point? Don't you f'ing dare think you know what goes on (or doesn't go on) behind closed doors. Don't you dare

I don't think you sound especially nice. I've never gone through a marriage breakdown, but I can imagine it can be hell. If you cba to support her that's completely understandable as it isn't your problem, but equally she hasn't done anything wrong to you, just as her ex hasn't. You're very quick to try to remain neutral and non judgemental towards him and his new dp (fair enough) while simultaneously judging her behaviour.

"I like her she's lovely" /"she's a massive drama queen and lovely"

Jesus cut her off because I don't think you have any empathy for what shes going through. Most people get dramatic during a traumatic breakup and her ex saying something different at football doesn't mean that's the truth either

Oh and that includes his 3 lifelong friends he'd known since he was in single digits & remained friends with until he died in his seventies! Even they have no clue what he was really like and would likely swear up, down & all around that he was nothing but good & decent. In fact they'd probably be confident enough to bet their homes on it - but they'd be very wrong....
You CANNOT know what ANYONE is like unless you're living in that house with them

I'd just keep deflecting

• oh well, past is past, time to focus on you
• you should focus on your plans not him, he is your past
• he isn't worth thinking about anymore

I'm so sorry. My dad was abusive and my friends liked him. Everybody liked him. I tried to tell my closest friend. Wasn't believed. It still hurts

Very triggering if the person has been through trauma with an ex.

I don’t believe her because I have actually caught her out it’s not just believing him over her, I’ve never even spoken to her ex so no idea what his version is & frankly don’t care. Eg she told me that he tried to break into the house & she had to call the police on him but the weekend she claimed that happened he was on a stag weekend with my husband, she obviously didn’t know I could corroborate that story & I didn’t say anything but I obviously knew later that it was a blatant lie. When she’s not talking about him she’s funny & interesting but she spends a lot of time talking about him. Also when I asked her how he was coercive, gaslighting & narcissistic she didn’t seem to understand what they meant & got flustered & waffled on about leaving her outside tesco in the rain because someone blocked him in which made zero sense & if it doesn’t make sense it isn’t true. I just don’t think someone is of good character if they make up stories about someone out of revenge, if I pissed her off what would she tell others falsely about me.

As a trauma survivor I agree. Sounds a bit invalidating. Better to move the topic of conversation on to something else. or look at your phone or something.

but don't, @Makemyday99 feel you have to write these reviews. Just because she has been or may have been through a hard time doesn't mean you forsake your own boundaries. She sounds v codependent and needy, while this is understandable, it is not something you need to be sucked into. A person may be a legitimate trauma survivor but your boundaries are important . Friends don't make friends do things they're uncomfortable with .

I think your scenario and mine are v different from the OP's because we were children in a bad still unsafe situation reaching out for help. I think OP is fine to say no to her adult now safe friend and not get drawn in to doing something she feels uncomfortable with at best, and at worst is downright libel (leaving bad reviews of a business when you never been a customer there is lying).

But your point still stands. We cannot know what others are going through and abusers are so good at hiding it like our respective fathers were.

hope you now have a decent safe life like you deserve

💐

I have no idea of the rights and wrongs of this woman's relationship with her ex. I do think it's weird that she's trying to rope a casual friend of less than a year into her drama.

Such an important message. So sorry you went through this. It's such an important reminder that we must never assume what goes on behind closed doors, and certainly not believe a person's public image is any guarantee of what they are like in private.

I’m a bit confused are you suggesting that I don’t have any empathy for anyone (male or female) that hasn’t experienced abuse? I wasn’t suggesting she may not have just that the stories she tells aren’t true & I do not advocate ‘man bashing’ just because her husband left her also it diminishes the truth for anyone who has suffered abusive relationships

You've inserted yourself into my statement there. I wasn't suggesting anything about you personally, I was responding to that person's story, and stating generally that it's a good reminder to never assume what went on behind closed doors. At no point in my comment can I see a reason for you to think I was saying you personally don't have empathy for people experiencing abuse.
Some of the comments made on this thread around histrionic women and also saying "if it doesn't make sense it's not true" have come across as quite dismissive though, which is why I think it's important to remember we simply have no way of making a judgement call on what happened in a private relationship, no matter how garbled it all seems from the outside. It's not worth trying to make a judgement call on - it's impossible.

Ok thanks, didn’t realise it wasn’t for me.

Just be honest- your negativity towards your ex is very off putting and I am not willing to discuss this subject with you. Happy to see you otherwise etc.

My friend is going through a huge amount of pain post divorce, I would never cut her off but I have known her for years.

Sometimes you just have to say how you feel. You will probably do a favour to all the other people she is ranting to

Yes thank you. I will be honest but I won’t embarrass her. Even though I know what she is telling me is highly embellished I don’t want to make her feel humiliated. It’s really sad that she feels that she needs to lie for sympathy. I empathise with anyone who has gone through a break up regardless of the circumstances

@PopcorningLikeAHappyGuineaPig 🩵🩵🩵🙏