To wish i was dead

[Hereforarant90]

10yo son severely autistic, violent meltdowns every day, just had to call ooh children's services because I feel like I can't cope anymore and wish neither of us were here. It's too much. Waiting on call back just trying to distract myself

The thing is, if I have to keep being attacked on a daily basis, I literally don't want to live anymore. He doesn't do this to anyone except me and his dad, which is fortunate, I suppose. I can't live like it anymore, I would actually rather die.

Much love to you. Its a really hard place to be when it is your life everyday. I hope someone contacts you soon.

We had behavioural issues between 11-14, fortunately things did improve but obviously there's no guarantee they will for you. Still, her behaviour is very different when she's around me compared to other settings. Do you get any kind of respite or direct payments to pay for a carer to help? Saying that, they can grant DP and it's still impossible to find carers to employ. I know of services that are specially trained to work with children who are more prone to violent outbursts so they do exist. I hope SS can help with that.
It must be so difficult and if things continue this way, he'll eventually be as tall as or taller than you, coupled with the super human strength of a meltdown. They must help you as soon as possible. Would you consider a shared care or residential option, if it was available?

Would you consider a shared care or residential option, if it was available?

Never thought I'd say it but yes, at this moment in time, I would. It would break my heart and I'd question my decision every day but if that were an option, I'd take it.

It's an impossible decision. One I've considered myself in the past.
If it helps, I've seen the decision made by others and it's worked out well for everyone involved. Everyone has a breaking point. Society and professional bodies seem to think we're some kind of saintly beings who have an endless capacity for stress, sleep deprivation and an ability to cope with whatever challenging behaviour is thrown at us but we're not. We're human. Humans can only take so much. You need a breather at the very least. If SS try and tell you there's nothing they can do quickly, ask them to find an emergency (temporary) respite place for your son to give you both a circuit break.

Thinking of you OP xxx. Well done to you for seeking help

But that's not simp!e to set up.either ,we were assessed and accepted for two nights a month respite before Xmas and we are still waiting ,we were pushed to 'the top of he waiting list in February because my oldest non disabled son was critically ill in intensive care ,and we are atill waiting ,I'm not trying to be pessimistic but the reality is even in the most complex of situations there is very limited respite and lots of families in need of it.

I've spoken to my GP, the crisis team, the school and children's services today, even if there isn't much they can do, I've at least felt as though they really want to help. I've never been 100% mentally healthy and this has just broken me, I think. I can't trust my thoughts at the moment but I seriously want to be better so will try medication, counselling and anything else they suggest. Again, really appreciate the time you've all taken to respond to me, it kind of restores my faith in humanity when people show so much kindness to a complete stranger. ❤️

So glad you got a little help today and a point in the right direction. Keep posting on here, even just general chit chat if it helps you. We're all hear to listen. Although you feel alone, you're not alone. We're all here for you.

Take one day at a time however hard it may be. You sound like a fantastic mother and your son is very lucky to have a mother like you xx

Just wanted to send you a hug @Hereforarant90 . Please don’t think there is no point in you or your son. I know things are tough right now. But there are people who care and want to help. Keep
posting xxx

Sending hugs to you @Hereforarant90 Glad you’ve got some help today. You’re doing everything you possibly can and I hope you get that needed and deserved break soon. I’m not sure I’d have your strength in the same situation. ❤️

So glad you at least felt listened to. I hope you get the support and respite you need. I know your life will revolve around your sons needs, but you are so very important too. Sending you a huge hug @Hereforarant90 Xx

Well done OP. Keep posting here if it helps - there's so much knowledge across the boards and always someone to listen and empathise. You are not alone.

Another check in OP. How r u today? X

Well done OP. It's so hard to make that first step and be honest about how you feel. You're a stronger woman than I!

Hello @Hereforarant90 I've had a quick Google and there seems a decent charity called daisy chain in your area, have you heard of them?
The ones I use are slightly out the area you're in, (North West based) but I presume they all do similar things.

When my DS was attacking us all we decided if it continued and it made our lives shit residential care was an option, we'd have visited daily etc and done what we could, but the earlier the transition was in place for him, the easier it would be long term.
Having the person you'd lay down and die for attack you constantly is no quality of life and also being attacked is communication, we realised how little we were able to meet his needs without him accessing SEN school and specialist support from them.
I'm very very lucky he's calmed so dramatically, but I'd have fought for that residential place for him, just to see if trained staff were more of a benefit to him than being at home with us.
(I've worked these places, DP still does, they're not anything like media portrayal, plus, we'd have visited constantly and built rapport with staff etc)
I really think now you need a social worker and some kind of respite in place.

If you need a chat/call anything I can help with just message me.

I really think it's time we built you a village and reaching out online is the perfect way to get that ball rolling xx

I'm feeling a bit more 'normal,' though accept it will take a while for me to be on top form (if that's possible). I feel like I've failed my children but I also know that thinking like that is no help to anybody. I cry every time someone is nice to me at the moment 😆

@Lwrenagain that's really helpful, thank you so much. I'll look that charity up. I think it would help me to try and connect with others in a similar position, on a regular basis. Basically, my thoughts are somewhat clearer for now.

I really miss my mum. She wouldn't have been able to help practically but she was always my go-to in a crisis, poor woman.

@Hereforarant90 of course you haven't failed your children, you sound like a wonderful Mum, but please be kind to yourself - you are only human and we all have limits to what we can cope with. I'm sure your Mum would be incredibly proud of you. A good charity and/or parents support group can be a huge help and source of support and information. You will get through this. So glad you are feeling a bit better. xx

OP how does your son find the school provision? Is it meeting his needs?

you sound like such a lovely mum

Thank you, it means a lot.

His school is absolutely amazing, they've been checking in with me daily since my meltdown. They really care about the children and it shows.

That’s good to hear! Just wondered if the GP had prescribed medication - the lowest dose of sertraline made a massive difference to me, making stressful days more manageable (after the first two weeks which were a bit tricky). Also wondered if there were any SEN parent support groups near you? The more you talk, the less alone you’ll feel. X

https://www.sendinfo.org/send-directory/local-organisations-charities/send-support-groups-north-yorks you may already have contacts here?

How are you doing @Hereforarant90 ?

Hope you’re ok? Lots of people for support on here and I hope you can access more real life support too x

Somehow I ended up here on a bad day. Just wondered how you and your son are doing and sending love to you. xx You are strong and courageous