To wish i was dead

[Hereforarant90]

10yo son severely autistic, violent meltdowns every day, just had to call ooh children's services because I feel like I can't cope anymore and wish neither of us were here. It's too much. Waiting on call back just trying to distract myself

Sadly Social Services too often wait till things hit crisis before offering much needed support

Please be very frank, honest, open when you get the call. We can hand hold

I get it Op I have a severely autistic 13 year old whose non verbal.
it's hard very hard but can posters with no real understanding kindly stop.suggesting residential school ,respite ect
Even if it's in the child's best interests to go to a residential school,it's not a simple process I'm being realistic
also respite is really hard to get in even the most complex of situations I know because I'm living it .

People tell me I shouldn't grieve for my son.
I shouldn't focus on what might have been.
That's why I am now in therapy.
Don't ever let anyone try to halt your grief or make you feel guilty.
It's bloody unfair that our sons were dealt this.
No matter how people try to dress it up, "He's happy in his own world" or "He's unaware of what he is missing", it is your right to grieve.
How do they know! I'm his mum, and I have no idea how my adult son is thinking or feeling because he has never been able to tell me.
Cry all you want to. Talk all you want to.
We are human, and no better equipped to deal with this than anyone else would be.

I just feel there is no point to me and him. I feel guilty for bringing him into the world.

That is so fucking hard x

Stay strong x

I feel exactly the same about my son. He's the age now that I was when I had him, and it's the guilt of the life I had then compared to the life he has now that is completely breaking me. I hate myself for experiencing all those things that I took for granted and he will never know.

I'm so sorry I can't offer you any helpful advice, because I'm not in a good place myself right now, but just wanted you to know that there are people out here who truly understand how HEART SHATTERING this is.

It’s s*. The system sucks. I have no advice or words of wisdom except please hang in there.

I've felt this guilt too and sometimes still do. I think my son is happy in his own way now but of course I won't ever really know and that's the hardest thing. I wish I knew what to suggest. I know how unbeatable this feels but you don't have any reason to feel guilty, you're being the best mum you can. Life is just seriously shit. I don't know some of us have to deal with such awful situations its too much for anyone.

OP you’re at your lowest, having an incredibly difficult time and this is effecting how you see things. Life moves on and changes, when you are feeling stronger again you’ll feel differently about yourself and your DS. Please don’t feel guilty about bringing him into this world, your son is amazing in his own right.

Just wanted to reach out in solidarity as well. I have disabilities, and my 11yo Ds has disabilities, with violent outbursts, lying and stealing. We getting support from social services at the moment, and someone from short breaks respite is visiting us at home tomorrow. I hope you get the support you need, and better days will come op 💐

It's so hard trying to cope alone, but you're not alone 💐

I've got norovirus and also hyperemesis atm so I'm not the most proactive today! But give me a few days and definitely pm me, we'll get a plan sorted OK?
Youre going to get through this, even if it feels like you're not.
You are x

Any news OP?

The guy I spoke to said he would refer it as urgent but couldn't say when I'd hear anything. I used to be terrified of SS, it was used as a weapon against me by my ex. I've literally told them I can't safely care for my child tonight.

I was on hold to the crisis team for 2hrs before I gave up. Going to take the day off work tomorrow and try again. I feel less actively distressed and just very detached now, if that makes sense.

Thanks again so much for all the kind responses, it means a lot.

My boy is asleep next to me and I just love him so much and wish everything was ok

I don’t have anything useful to say. I just want you to know that I’m here and that I hear you. I can’t even begin to imagine how hard things are for you but just know that there are people who are thinking of you and hope that you get the help that you need. Please keep posting if it helps and know that you have nothing to feel guilty about. You have been doing, and are doing, your best. That is all any of us can do.

Hi OP, I have a DC with complex disabilities and I have been struggling to keep going too. I've had moments of despair where I'm really frightened of my thoughts and feelings. I'm a really strong and resilient person with good support, but everyone has their breaking point. This helped me get through the worst moments
https://www.mind.org.uk/need-urgent-help/what-can-i-do-to-help-myself-cope/
There is a free app called SmilingMinds which I've found very comforting when feeling panicky/overwhelmed.
Can you look for a parents support group? Sometimes knowing you aren't alone can help you find the strength to keep going.
Hang on in there, you are important and loved.

Hi OP this is the main page I meant to link to
https://www.mind.org.uk/need-urgent-help/
Take care xxx

Don’t feel guilty about asking for help. Your sons condition is not your fault. Please give yourself credit for how you have supported him over the years, you need a break though, and you may be able to see things differently once you have had a rest . Best wishes and a hand hold.

How are you this morning OP?

I hope you managed to sleep ok

I hope you’re feeling a bit better this morning and you get some support very soon.

Well done for reaching out. You sound exhausted and overwhelmed. I hope you get help as soon as possible. Keep contacting them. Try your GP if you can get through. Sending love.

You're not alone OP. I have a teenager with severe disabilities and feel the same. She's the only reason I'm still alive and when she goes, I'll follow close behind.
It's the most isolating situation in the world. Perpetual carer burnout you can never recover from. I don't feel like a real person anymore, I think maybe I was only born to make sure my daughter had a good life.

I hope you can get the help you need. It always comes too late. Social services leave it until we've collapsed before they put support in place, the system is broken.