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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop my kids going to their Dads this weekend?

35 replies

rollingrosebud · 23/05/2023 17:11

It's the kids weekend to see their Dad (they're 3&4 if that matters), I could really go into depth on this one but I'll keep it short and sweet.

He's called and asked if I'll send him some money to buy food for when he has them this weekend as he hasn't got any money to buy them food, I've said, no, if you cannot meet the basic needs in your time then just don't have them. He thinks I'm using them to spite him.

For context
-he earns double my salary
-he doesn't pay maintenance because I know he'll be hit and miss with it.
-this was my reason for leaving him, can't budget, can't plan a head or think of the bigger picture just lives in the moment without a care of how to survive the rest of the month.

Please reassure me because I feel bad but I stayed for years because I felt bad about his inability to be an adult so now I've left it's really not my issue to fix.

Aibu?

OP posts:
Lifesagamethentheytaketheboardaway · 23/05/2023 17:12

He doesn’t pay maintenance because it will be hit and miss?

Grow a backbone. Call child maintenance service and open a case. They’ll make him pay through salary deductions if he doesn’t do it himself.

I really don’t understand why some women just allow men to walk all over them.

nutbrownhare15 · 23/05/2023 17:13

Yanbu. Send the message in writing. And get on to CSA for the maintenance he owes you and your children.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 23/05/2023 17:13

YANBU.

But do you have a court order in place?

Hankunamatata · 23/05/2023 17:13

Contact cms
I'm soft I'd send the kids with food to feed them. I wouldn't be giving him money

UndermyShoeJoe · 23/05/2023 17:13

For the sake of the children I’d probably send a pre-made for the kids only pack up type thing this once only.

Id also open a cms claim and put it into an account you don’t touch so you don’t “need” it but that your children are getting the money they are entitled to.

either way if you send them or don’t open the claim.

towriteyoumustlive · 23/05/2023 17:13

YANBU.

If he cannot plan ahead to have enough money to buy food for his own children and has admitted he cannot afford to feed them (due to his own poor budgeting) then he should not be looking after them all weekend.

I would perhaps suggest that instead he takes them out for the day and you'll send them with a pack lunch.

SunnySaturdayMorning · 23/05/2023 17:14

YABU. You should send the kids anyway and let him figure it out. Likelihood is he of course has the money.

SweetSakura · 23/05/2023 17:16

I think send the kids with food (not money) ..and lodge a claim with CMS!!

marshmallowsforbreakfast · 23/05/2023 17:17

YANBU. Could you send them with food rather than money.

Watchthedoormat · 23/05/2023 17:18

They're obviously not a priority or he'd have budgeted for them this weekend.
What a loser.
I'd be tempted to invite him to my house for an hour so he can see real parenting and feel the shame.
Very likely he would decline the offer but at least he couldn't start throwing the 'keeping me from them' sob story around.

CombatBarbie · 23/05/2023 17:21

No I wouldn't send them but I would be phoning cms first thing to start a claim.... Unless he's self employed and you know he fudges his books?

DelphiniumBlue · 23/05/2023 17:24

So he earns more than you, pays nothing towards his kids, has no credit card and no-one to borrow from, so that he is reduced to asking you for money? It's only Tuesday, he's got another 3-4 days to sort something out. Is he planning to eat at all himself, or is he asking you to sub that as well?
Tell him no, you can't do that, and he should let you know what he's sorted and whether he will in fact have the DC this weekend.

Loverofoxbowlakes · 23/05/2023 17:26

Cms and a picnic.

Useless piece of shit.

Original poster
rollingrosebud · 23/05/2023 17:38

I don't claim maintenance because I don't want to. That's not really the point.

I could send food, but I don't want to set that expectation that he can spend all his money and I'll bail him out. I feel like I need to make a stand and force him into managing his own finances.

OP posts:
blueluce85 · 23/05/2023 17:41

I'd suggest that he can take them for as long as he can afford to look after them, and if that means he picks them up after breakfast but the contact ends at lunch, then so be it!

Also OP you brought up the maintenance hence why people are responding to that!

CoronationKicking · 23/05/2023 17:43

"he doesn't pay maintenance because I know he'll be hit and miss with it."

What?! Are you mad?

namechange55465 · 23/05/2023 18:01

I think the maintenance is relevant tbh. You effectively already "give" him £X a month by not claiming it. He thinks you're a pushover because of that.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 23/05/2023 18:02

Put in a cms claim. You are short changing your own children by not doing so.

Goldbar · 23/05/2023 18:20

YANBU not to send them if he's not going to meet their basic needs.

YABU not to claim maintenance. That money is for your children. If you don't need it to meet their expenses, it could be saved for university/a house deposit. They have a right to financial support from their other parent.

Lifesagamethentheytaketheboardaway · 23/05/2023 19:01

Your ex obviously isn’t saving for the kids’ futures. Claim the maintenance and split it between bank accounts for them when they are older.

That is their money. You’re being a push over.

SweetSakura · 23/05/2023 19:03

Yes thats what I do with the cms money. Ex is flakey, I don't want to rely on it, so it goes into a savings account to save for future big costs.

Murdoch1949 · 23/05/2023 19:53

Don't give him money or food. Claim child maintenance, even if you save it for the children. You are letting him walk all over you, that's why he feels ok asking you for money.

Quitelikeit · 23/05/2023 20:02

Why won’t you claim it though?

Is he on benefits?

lemonaddde · 23/05/2023 20:05

No way would my kids be going. He needs to grow up.

TheFormidableMrsC · 23/05/2023 20:09

UndermyShoeJoe · 23/05/2023 17:13

For the sake of the children I’d probably send a pre-made for the kids only pack up type thing this once only.

Id also open a cms claim and put it into an account you don’t touch so you don’t “need” it but that your children are getting the money they are entitled to.

either way if you send them or don’t open the claim.

It won't be "this once" though will it? It'll be expected.

OP, when he can feed his kids he can have contact. I get you with CMS but I'd do it anyway and save the money for the children for later in life, even if he's self employed and cooks the books. What an utter prick. Every time I think I've heard it all 🙄