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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To stop my kids going to their Dads this weekend?

35 replies

rollingrosebud · 23/05/2023 17:11

It's the kids weekend to see their Dad (they're 3&4 if that matters), I could really go into depth on this one but I'll keep it short and sweet.

He's called and asked if I'll send him some money to buy food for when he has them this weekend as he hasn't got any money to buy them food, I've said, no, if you cannot meet the basic needs in your time then just don't have them. He thinks I'm using them to spite him.

For context
-he earns double my salary
-he doesn't pay maintenance because I know he'll be hit and miss with it.
-this was my reason for leaving him, can't budget, can't plan a head or think of the bigger picture just lives in the moment without a care of how to survive the rest of the month.

Please reassure me because I feel bad but I stayed for years because I felt bad about his inability to be an adult so now I've left it's really not my issue to fix.

Aibu?

OP posts:

CadburyDream · 23/05/2023 21:47

If you don't think maintenance is relevant then why mention it? I dont claim maintenance from my ex but that's because he is on benefits if your ex gets double what you earn not sure why you wouldn't claim I guess he is self employed? I wouldn't give him any money. At a push I may send food but no money

Original poster

rollingrosebud · 23/05/2023 22:05

I get the point about maintenance, we haven't been separated long and I know I'm being stubborn, I can provide the kids with everything they need and I save for them, but more savings won't hurt. I'll agree a payment with him, he won't object, despite his incompetence he isn't that unreasonable. But I know some weeks I won't get it but I'm not that bothered. He is self employed, he doesn't falsify his earnings, he wouldn't. I always assumed maintenance couldn't be directly taken for someone who is self employed, I'll have to look in to it.

I think maybe I'll go with the day out and send a picnic for the kids. They don't miss out completely and I'm not providing the food for his home. He will be upset he hasn't got his usual contact but I'm just not prepared to pick up the pieces for his inability to be an adult, this is the reason I left him and I'm adamant I wont do it now. Maybe it'll be enough to teach him to think ahead for the whole month!

OP posts:

sunsetoranges · 23/05/2023 22:12

Wow he has not even budgeted for his kids. Unbelievable.

Do not give him money you're right he will expect it again.

He's probably too embarrassed to ask anyone else for it!

You're doing the right thing letting them have a packed lunch and day with him but has he got petrol in the car/ a bus pass to get to places or are we talking a walk to the local park?

Ihaveshitfriends · 23/05/2023 22:21

You are punishing your kids by not claiming maintenance and rewarding his bad habits!!

marshmallowmatcha · 23/05/2023 22:24

Sort the maintenance.

Provide a picnic- it's nice weather. He can sit in a park with them for an hour and eat it while you wait in the car. Or join them if you feel up to it. Then time to go. If he cant feed them he can't look after them.

StarDolphins · 23/05/2023 22:27

I think for the kids benefit so they see their Dad, I would send them with food but says it’s a one off.

Equalitea · 24/05/2023 09:15

If the kids wanted to go, I’d probably send them for less time so maybe 1 night instead of 2 and with the food just for them.

Spacestace · 24/05/2023 09:18

namechange55465 · 23/05/2023 18:01

I think the maintenance is relevant tbh. You effectively already "give" him £X a month by not claiming it. He thinks you're a pushover because of that.

This. Is there a chance he doesn't want the children this weekend as the weather is supposed to be really nice and knows you'll withhold them if he says this? That would be my first thought, obviously money wise saying you don't have money to feed your children sounds feckless but he evidently doesn't care about appearing that way as he doesn't volunteer maintenence and you don't make him pay it.

Movinalong · 24/05/2023 09:25

I agree with the poster who said contact between meals so collect after breakfast and bring back for lunch.

You might find he has mysteriously dug up some money for lunch if that's what you offer and has them for normal time anyway.

Keeps the consistency of seeing each other which is important for both sides.

Lifelessordinary1 · 24/05/2023 09:28

I know you have stated that you have only recently separated - but are you at a stage where you can have a sit down chat with him and discuss expectations of each other over custody/access. Spell it out on both sides and come to some agreements over things like notice for any changes, clothes, holidays etc. One of which would obviously be that you are both solely responsible for food for the children whilst they are with you.

Keep this seperate from any discussion about maintenance as the two should not be connected,

I appreciate this is a recent split so things may still be too raw for this but at least have it in your mind for the future.

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