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Original poster

Married colleague bragging about cheating on his wife

54 replies

Zipa · 23/05/2023 16:19

My senior colleague (senior to me job wise and also 10 years older) has been telling me that he's planning on meeting up with someone for sex next weekend. Says he's done it before too.

I do not know why he's told me this, he's always been a bit flirty/ inappropriate toward me but I just brush it off because I'm used to it and I don't want any negative consequences at work. He could make life very difficult for me.

My problem is (apart from not wanting to know about this!!) that he is married with 3yr old twins. I'm friends with him on Facebook and see all these lovey dovey posts from his wife saying how great he is.

I feel extremely guilty that I know what he's up to and she has no clue. I know I should probably stay out of it but I can't stop thinking about her. If it was me I'd want to know.

What would you do?

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 23/05/2023 17:37

Followd up by 'how are the twins?'

ArcticSkewer · 23/05/2023 17:39

Wow, that's an open workplace. Is it Parliament?

BlusteryLake · 23/05/2023 17:46

What an utter bellend. I agree he is testing the waters to see if you too fancy sleeping with this twat. Definitely unfriend him on FB, and never allow yourself to get into social situation with him eg after work drinks. Next time he brings this up, say "I really don't need to know this, but maybe your wife does" and walk off.

HappyMe6 · 23/05/2023 17:51

I’d ask him why does he feel the need to tell me that? And I wouldn’t have him as a friend on Facebook 🤮

2bazookas · 23/05/2023 18:19

Ask him "What does your wife say about you cheating ? ".

Siameasy · 23/05/2023 18:34

Why should you feel guilty? This is female socialisation at its best! You’re feeling bad yet he doesn’t. Stay out of it.

Original poster
Zipa · 23/05/2023 19:26

Yes I didn't want to be friends with him on Facebook, but he added me and when I didn't accept he asked me about it the next day. He made me feel really awkward about it so I just said I don't use it much (which is true) and I felt like I had to accept to keep the peace.

I wish I could just tell him to fuck off but he oversees a lot of the projects I work on.

I just want to have a normal working relationship with him instead of all this weirdness. I like my job so I'm not going to let him push me out.

OP posts:
Hillrunning · 23/05/2023 19:31

I would just follow up with 'How are your lovely children doing these days?'

Wombastic · 23/05/2023 19:33

Covert video send to his wife. In a fantasy world where there were no consequences. In real life, say nothing and give him withering glances when he wasn’t looking.

Original poster
Zipa · 23/05/2023 19:38

Wombastic · 23/05/2023 19:33

Covert video send to his wife. In a fantasy world where there were no consequences. In real life, say nothing and give him withering glances when he wasn’t looking.

Yep. 100% that's me!

OP posts:
NumberTheory · 23/05/2023 19:46

If he’s flirty with you, telling you sounds like he’s trying to sound you out/groom you to be his next affair.

I would let someone you trust at work know, in case it comes necessary to evidence how inappropriate he’s been, and start looking for another job. Maybe mention his behaviour in your exit interview.

Much as I think his wife deserves to know, in your shoes I would keep well out of that side of it because it would risk your career.

SlipSlidinAway · 23/05/2023 19:50

Next time he says anything I'd say, 'why are you telling me this?'

I might also be tempted to ask him if he's not worried someone might tell his wife ...

100Bees · 23/05/2023 19:56

The poor wife. I don't understand why no one is advising you to tell her, anonymously.

Murdoch1949 · 23/05/2023 19:57

Tell him if he doesn't stop the inappropriate talk you will report him to HR.

Dweetfidilove · 23/05/2023 20:00

You may wish to look at your boundaries here, OP.
You may not invite these conversations, but you sure as hell don't need to entertain them either.
You tell him nicely/not to fuck off, because his conversations show him as the ass he is; and unfriend him from Facebook.
Next he'll have you auditioning for a spot...

determinedtomakethiswork · 23/05/2023 20:05

Why is everyone saying she should get a new job?

Coyoacan · 23/05/2023 20:07

AFAIK, if you unfriend someone on Facebook, they won't know. You could also block him and then tell him, if he asks, just say that you closed your account

Saucemonkey · 23/05/2023 20:12

I would tell him that his immoral reprehensible actions are not your concern, but you are sad to
hear he is such a scum bag, then search for another job pronto

AnotherEmma · 23/05/2023 20:30

Oh, come on, woman up about this.

When he asked you about Facebook you should have told him thank you but I don't mix personal and professional on social media. Just politely decline FFS.

If he is regularly flirting with you and being inappropriate, keep a log of dates, times and incidents.

If he tells you about his personal/sex life, ask him politely to stop discussing those topics with you as you don't feel it's appropriate at work.

If he persists despite clear signals from you, as above, then report him to HR.

I understand the temptation to tell his wife, but if he hasn't actually done anything (and is just bragging about his plans) then I'm not sure what you can helpfully tell her. In this case I think you should keep well out of it. Obviously unfriend and block him on Facebook. If he asks you about it tell him you decided to take a break from FB. People do it all the time.

Rainbowqueeen · 23/05/2023 20:41

With your update about FB, he is definitely testing your boundaries. If you want to stay in your role, you need to strengthen those boundaries as he is going to keep pushing.

Definitely keep a diary of inappropriate comments etc. I’d defriend him. If he comments just say that on reflection you would prefer not to be FB friends with colleagues. Be exceedingly professional with him. No comments about your own personal life other than that you had a nice weekend. No details.

I think if you look back over your interactions you will find other occasions where he has been inappropriate.

nalabae · 23/05/2023 20:43

He's vile but stay out of it

crazeekat · 23/05/2023 21:14

u should definitely not leave ur job, that is ridiculous, why should someeone leave a job cos they work with a cheater?? seriously?
stay at work, tell ur manager what he has told u, keep it quiet and if he brings it up again go back to manager.
just cos he is senior doesn't give him the right to be a perv. tell him ur not interested in his sex life but if he insists stop him, say i'm just going to get a witness to this conversation and i'm sure u won't hear about it again.
until then document everything. every word.
tell ur manager so if he then turns nasty it's not out the blue to them.

girlfriend44 · 23/05/2023 21:21

Is it even true, that he is meeting someone.

NumberTheory · 24/05/2023 19:20

determinedtomakethiswork · 23/05/2023 20:05

Why is everyone saying she should get a new job?

Because she feels unable to speak up about inappropriate behaviour by someone she needs to keep happy at work. If she doesn’t trust her employer enough to report his inappropriate flirting and boasting about his sex life, she is in a precarious position. It may well escalate and she has no reason to think her employer will protect her if it does. People are suggesting she move on and find a better opportunity before he coerces her into sexual activity or damages her career because she won’t.

determinedtomakethiswork · 24/05/2023 23:36

Could you not say to him aren't you worried that someone will tell your wife given you're bragging about it? Or even, why are you so nice about her on Facebook when you're cheating on her? Accompanied by a wide eyed faux naive look.

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