Is he cheating or AIBU

[Moroccanqueen]

Hi all

new here but long time lurker.

Something happened last night and it’s really caught me off guard.

a little bit of backstory: Me and dh have been together for 13 years. 1 child and pregnant with second.

to the best of my knowledge our relationship has been great. The usual ups and downs and life stresses but overall good. He does talk to a girl on social media that was a FWB before we got together but I have never seen anything inappropriate, just normal chit chat.

however, I found out he has been going through my phone. I suspected it about 4 months ago but wasn’t sure and forgot all about it until I caught him doing it the other night. He tried to deny he’d done it but later admitted it. I have no idea why he’s done this as he should know that if he had asked me if he could look at it I’d have said yes. I’m not secretive with it and he knows my password. Anyway we were talking it all through calmly and in the conversation I said to him, ok then show me your phone….. he flat out refused. Now - this has made me feel he’s hiding something and has completely thrown me as until all this I had no reason to doubt him. I’d like to add I’m not the type to snoop through his phone, I have no interest in doing so and don’t even know is PW, but it came up in our conversation so I asked but expected him to say sure, and show me it. I wouldn’t have actually looked at that point as the fact he was willing to be open would have been enough.

so my question is - would you allow your partner to see your phone if they asked and you had nothing to hide or would you not let them see your phone (if you had nothing to hide) because they need to respect your privacy?

im not sure if I’m creating something out of nothing but it has really raised my suspicions now.

AIBU to worry?

Thats weird tbh. I can pick up hubby's phone or he mine anytime and nobody actually cares even the older kids can do the same nothing to hide then why can't it be seen is my assumption

I think it's a huge red flag that he feels he can look through your stuff but keep his private, whether he's cheating or not. Although it has been said that cheaters often accuse their partners of doing what they are.

This was my thought. I completely trusted him so had no reason to be suspicious and didn’t notice any unusual behaviours but this is odd. Something definitely isn’t right

This is how I feel it should be in a relationship.

I can look through DHs phone and him mine.

Often cheaters are projecting so he's checking to see if your up to the same crap he is. I think that's where I would land. Or he is a hypocrite, his privacy is very important to him but doesn't feel your should be important to you.
Either way he's being a dick.

He is paranoid about your phone because he knows what is on his...

Have you asked him why he was checking your phone?

Re. whether I would let DH look at my phone - it depends on the reason why. If he wanted to look at photos I'd taken or he needed to look up something and his was out of battery, or pretty much any legitimate reason, then of course I'd hand it over. And he has my passcode anyway. If he said he wanted to "check" my phone I'd say no for the principle of it. I know it's no different in practice but I would object to the checking up on me, and then we'd have bigger problems anyway.

It's called projection. Cheeky bastard.

I don’t look through dh’s phone and he doesn’t look through mine. No idea on passwords etc.

My first thought is he wanted to see if you'd messaged any friends about suspected cheating behaviour...ie was worried he had possibly slipped up and you may be onto him. That's why he was going through your phone. Otherwise it's very odd he would look at your phone but refuse to hand his over.

Agreed!

Yes I did. He said he was checking if I had been talking to any men (outside of friendships obviously, although I don’t speak to many people in general).

& yes that makes sense. It’s leaving me between a rock and a hard place because I can’t figure out if he’s just protecting his privacy (but not mine 🤷‍♀️) or being a sneaky bastard. I said I would leave him if he’s cheating and he still refused.

This is a possibility. I mean, the truth is I’m never actually going to know for sure if he’s cheating but I have an issue with him being defensive of his phone, now. Had it only been that he’d snooped on mine, I could have got over it after an adult conversation.

if any-of you were in my position would this be enough for you to LTB? I thought we were great and obviously have a baby on the way. I’m self employed in a newish business also so can’t financially support myself independently right now so would have to figure something out quickly.

what makes it harder is I’m not angry. We’re still getting along ok which makes it more confusing. In a way I wish he had cheated so I could be angry and kick him out. Not knowing is really a lot harder!

Oh I don't like the projection from him in this scenario

Hmm agreed. I don’t know how to get to the bottom of this.

p.s thank you all for being so kind with your words. I have seen how cut throat AIBU can be and was really worried about being so open at a time where I feel vulnerable

I'd be needing to have a real conversation with him about his reaction and about what you did (disregarded his privacy) vs what he did (could be anything, he ha removed his willingness to be open). Yes, the breach of trust for me would be massive but so would him closing down. Red flags everywhere. Does he want to move forward or not?

Yes I agree a further talk is needed. The issue is - if he now says “ok here is my phone, take a look” - he could of deleted any evidence if there was anything, or it could be innocent and he was just behaving like abit of a dick but I won’t actually know now. But I will always have that worry now.

I think he does want to stay together but it’s obviously highlighted some concerns for me so I’m not sure where I’m at. I feel completely lost

I agree with the above. You need to ask him to hand his phone over as he has broken your trust by going through yours without asking or having a good reason. He has had time to delete anything incriminating, so go through deleted apps and google how to recover deleted items.

Hey sorry but red flag if he knows ure onto him etc he could delete all evidence if anything is going in. Can you not suss out his password or watch him when he opens his phone and then check it when hes asleep. I no its dodgy going through it whilst he sleeps but girl you need to find out.

Being protective of his phone doesn't mean he's cheating. It could be that he was looking at porn, or had a chat with his mate and made some comments he doesn't want you to see, or something else in the "not great but not a relationship ender" category.

I do agree he's a hypocrite to think it's ok for him to check yours though!

Well this is a red flag for sure.

But if there's anything in his phone that he didn't want you to see, it's long fucking gone now.

But, if I were you, I probably would look at ways to ensure that if it all did pan out as feared that financially and legally, I'd have stability and security regardless. A split is so much harder when you are at a financial disadvantage.

How long until you get on your feet with the job and income etc?

It sounds like the trust has gone, so to me, that’s the relationship gone.

It is horribly common for cheaters to suspect their partners of cheating. Gives them justification I suppose?

Or could he have been worried you knew about something? Could be OW, could be debt/drugs/prostitutes?

He wanted to check you werent talking to other men? Why? Has he got that low an opinion of you that he thinks youd wait til you were pregnant and then have an affair!? Something is really wrong here (sorry I think you know that anyway).

I'd be somehow sneaking a look at his passcode and looking at his phone at some point. Things like battery usage and apps, frequently contacted etc

Do you think he could think you suspect he's up to something so was checking your messages to see if you've had a conversation with a friend about him?

Typical actions of a cheater. I had this with an ex. He was checking my phone when I realised I became suspicious. Turned out he was the one cheating with several people.