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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is he cheating or AIBU

51 replies

Moroccanqueen · 23/05/2023 13:54

Hi all

new here but long time lurker.

Something happened last night and it’s really caught me off guard.

a little bit of backstory: Me and dh have been together for 13 years. 1 child and pregnant with second.

to the best of my knowledge our relationship has been great. The usual ups and downs and life stresses but overall good. He does talk to a girl on social media that was a FWB before we got together but I have never seen anything inappropriate, just normal chit chat.

however, I found out he has been going through my phone. I suspected it about 4 months ago but wasn’t sure and forgot all about it until I caught him doing it the other night. He tried to deny he’d done it but later admitted it. I have no idea why he’s done this as he should know that if he had asked me if he could look at it I’d have said yes. I’m not secretive with it and he knows my password. Anyway we were talking it all through calmly and in the conversation I said to him, ok then show me your phone….. he flat out refused. Now - this has made me feel he’s hiding something and has completely thrown me as until all this I had no reason to doubt him. I’d like to add I’m not the type to snoop through his phone, I have no interest in doing so and don’t even know is PW, but it came up in our conversation so I asked but expected him to say sure, and show me it. I wouldn’t have actually looked at that point as the fact he was willing to be open would have been enough.

so my question is - would you allow your partner to see your phone if they asked and you had nothing to hide or would you not let them see your phone (if you had nothing to hide) because they need to respect your privacy?

im not sure if I’m creating something out of nothing but it has really raised my suspicions now.

AIBU to worry?

OP posts:
C2190 · 23/05/2023 16:01

Personally, I see this as a massive red flag. He's clearly paranoid because he's hiding something from you. You don't deserve this. He needs to be honest.

ArcticSkewer · 23/05/2023 16:04

It's also worth knowing that abusive men often start their abuse during their partners pregnancy. It could be a start of controlling behaviours rather than projection/cheating. I would just be alert to that.

Thegoodbadandugly · 23/05/2023 16:06

This is a huge red flag and now he's had time to delete any evidence.

FictionalCharacter · 23/05/2023 16:15

“He said he was checking if I had been talking to any men”

He checked your phone to see if you were talking to other men. This is dreadful just on its own. He then lied, denied he’d done that then later admitted he did. And now he won’t let you look at his phone.
That’s really not good. You’ve been together a long time, you’re expecting your second child, you’d expect your life to be stable but something has clearly happened for him to be behaving like this.

DidyouNO · 23/05/2023 16:17

My exH started to go through mug phone, started to ask where I was going, just generally behaving like I was cheating. I absolutely wasn't and he had no reason to assume I was. Turns out HE was and it's a really common projection thing. Because they are, they start to behave like you are. I'd be really, really wary now OP

YoucancallmeKAREN · 23/05/2023 16:29

Adulterers always assume the other partner is cheating as it eases their conscience.

Grrrpredictivetex · 23/05/2023 16:31

Sorry you're in this position @Moroccanqueen.

Grrrpredictivetex · 23/05/2023 16:31

Sorry you're in this position @Moroccanqueen.

Grrrpredictivetex · 23/05/2023 16:31

Sorry you're in this position @Moroccanqueen.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 23/05/2023 20:27

Sounds like his own behaviour has made him paranoid about yours.

Multiplemum123 · 24/05/2023 02:20

Speaking from experience here. If a partner starts accusing/suspecting you of cheating on them out of the blue it usually means they are cheating. This is them projecting their behaviour on to you. Searching through your phone because they are paranoid you are doing the same to them or they are looking for excuses to end things with you. Not letting you see his phone in return because there is clearly something to hide.

I’m Sorry for having such a negative opinion on this but I’ve been through it myself & the behaviour is an instant red flag.

sjpkgp1 · 24/05/2023 02:48

I think OPs are right about the projecting, and evidence will now be gone in any case. If not, it is still controlling and unpleasant. You can confront if you choose (and some people would need to do it immediately, and I get that) but you could also let it die down until you quietly have your ducks in a row for yourself and your children, then take it on. You asked in your post "would you allow your partner to see your phone", my answer to that is "probably yes, if it was that important to them" but I would find it controlling, and I would think less of them for it. I'm glad the AIBU crew have been kind so far, you are in a tricky spot, and it can be soul destroying on here sometimes. Wishing you the best whatever you do x

Equalitea · 24/05/2023 06:50

In general, people don’t admit cheating even if they are. So you saying you’d leave isn’t likely to get him to confess all. Tbh the break of trust would be the mail in the coffin for me anyway.

I wouldn’t trust him at all, it’s the actions of a cheater. Looking at your phone may have been explained away by being insecure but looking at your phone and refusing to show his? He defo has interests elsewhere that he doesn’t want you to know about.

Newestname002 · 24/05/2023 08:43

Have you put a good password/passcode on your phone now OP? And other devices?

Sorry you're going through this. 🌹

Plottingspringescape · 24/05/2023 08:54

I think your instincts are spot on, and I'm surprised you are not angry. No one can say for certain he is not cheating, but it does not look good. He definitely has betrayed your trust by going through your phone like that though, and it is a massive double standard, that even when you asked he would not let you look at his phone. I think it would be a good idea to work on being financially independent, so that if you do want to leave in future you can.

BitOutOfPractice · 24/05/2023 08:58

What an absolute head fuck op. Have you told him what this has made you suspect now?

CornishGem1975 · 24/05/2023 09:01

If someone demanded to see my phone, I'd probably tell them to fuck off to be fair. Not hiding anything but I'm not giving in to demands. I have private chats on their with friends that I wouldn't want shared, not only for me but for them.

gannett · 24/05/2023 09:05

DP and I know each other's pass codes and leave our phones lying around wherever, so either of us could look through them at any time. Frequently we'll use each other's phones to change the music, look something up etc. No problems there.

However I've never gone though his messages or emails (unless asked to) and vice versa. It's not just about his/my privacy but that of the people messaging us. We trust each other enough not to snoop even though our phones are available to each other.

If he asked to look through my phone in an accusatory, suspicious manner, I would refuse, and consider ending the relationship. This doesn't mean I have anything to hide - I just think it's an unreasonable request and it means my partner doesn't trust me.

If I found out he'd been snooping through my messages without my knowledge, I would also consider ending the relationship.

Tiswa · 24/05/2023 09:08

Even if he hasn’t cheated he doesn’t trust you he was checking your phone for signs of interaction with other men that is a huge red flag.
Theb he wanted different rules for his phone either both are open or both private

Divorcedalongtime · 24/05/2023 09:12

Can’t answer if I would or not as I have been single far too long to cafe or remember BUT if he feels he can look through yours then he should also feel yoj can look through his.
definitely dodgy

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 24/05/2023 09:13

He could be cheating. He could just be a controlling arsehole.

Difficult to know from the info you have, but it’s a string of red flags to be sure.

MereDintofPandiculation · 24/05/2023 09:21

Re. whether I would let DH look at my phone - it depends on the reason why. If he wanted to look at photos I'd taken or he needed to look up something and his was out of battery, or pretty much any legitimate reason, then of course I'd hand it over. And he has my passcode anyway. If he said he wanted to "check" my phone I'd say no for the principle of it. This, I think. I think I would say-no in practice, but the only reason that he can’t check my phone whenever he wants is he can’t remember my passcode.

Though if I’d been venting to a friend about something he’d done that irritated me, I certainly wouldn’t want him to read it!

Weatherwax13 · 24/05/2023 09:25

I imagine he was desperately hoping to find something - anything - that he could throw back at you if you found out whatever it is he's doing. "Well what about YOU? You're hardly squeaky clean" etc
So he's either cheating or he has an account somewhere horrible like an an escort site or a webcam thing.
It's absolutely shit that you're going through this while pregnant.
Idk if you feel strong enough to issue an ultimatum. In your situation I would as I couldn't bear that level of mistrust and suspicion.
How dare he put this stress on you at such a vulnerable time.

Thinkingofmovingtosea · 24/05/2023 09:26

Sorry this is happening to you. You could do the following: act all nice say you respect his privacy boundaries etc... You over reacted pregnancy hormones etc Proceed to act normal - do loving things etc.. Then after a week or so start checking or hire a pi so you know for sure.... Eg if he is out a lot in the car put a 2nd phone into it (hidden) and see where he goes with location on ( Google will tell you) if he lies etc about where he is then u know sth is up.... You need to know for sure but it's odd behaviour..... Other innocent explanation is if u have a big birthday coming up he might be organising sth & is going through your phone to get contact numbers etc....
As for ex girlfriend..... Not sure I'd be delighted about this. Prioritise you & your baby & protect yourself. Hugs

Original poster
Moroccanqueen · 26/05/2023 14:25

Hey all,

im so sorry for the lack of response, pregnancy sickness started to kick in and completely floored me as it’s been really bad. I’m in a-bit of a shit place I think. We have ended things but for the time being I need him to stay in the house to support me as I have hyperemesis again (yay lucky me) and have no family close by. It’s a mix of feeling angry but also needing the physical help. I will try and reply to you all individually if I can but feeling super nauseous etc. I am so so grateful for all of your support so thank you all for the advice xxxx

OP posts: