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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if *any* single mums enjoy a break?

39 replies

CadburyDream · 23/05/2023 11:18

Just something I've been wondering, I see so many single mums saying they hate when their child(ren) go to their fathers house but does anyone actually enjoy it and look forward to the break or do most single mums hate it?

I'm a single parent and in 6 years my ex has never once had our children over night and never will. This is entirely his choice, I haven't had a night without my children since we split 6 years ago as I have no family help either. I long for weekends to myself where I can just chill out and not have to run around after kids and cook/ clean just some time to relax and rest and be by myself, have hobbies maybe even a social life! I don't even remember what that's like, every day feels the same. To me it seems like one of the perks of being separated having regular breaks from relentless parenting. But I see so many mums hate their time away from their children (Just to clarify I'm not referring to 50/50 or special occasions as that's not the cases I'm seeing, its from mums who's kids go to the dads for the weekend although I think I would have loved 50/50) I feel like I would be a better parent if I got regular breaks to rest and refresh but unfortunately that was never meant to be. At the moment I'm struggling, feel stressed and burnt out, being the only one to do everything is tough and money is tight being a lone parent and the kids being with me all the time and weekends im usually exhausted and have little energy to do much and I don't always have the money to go places.

I would love some weekends where I didn't have to entertain children and often dream about what it would be like to have a lie in and only think about myself. I know some people in couples dont get a break but it's not comparable to parenting alone and being the only one to do everything. Dcs father will see them as and when he feels like it, no set days and will never ever have them overnight (he last saw them 3 weeks ago for 4 hours and has made no plans to see them since) I've been unable to date or move on with a new partner in this time as never getting any time off makes that completely impossible and I've had to resign myself to being single until they've grown up which is still a long way off, yes I could pay £££ for a babysitter but in my area that would cost a fortune and its money I don’t have so its honestly not worth it when my ex could have them for free but chooses not to. He has never cooked dinner for them, bathed them, put them to bed, taken them to school since we split. Its all on me and its hard work not getting any rest from it all. Half term is the same and the 6 weeks holidays is relentless! I would love my ex to take them regularly and half the holidays but going on posts I see so many hate it? So am I lucky that my ex doesn’t bother? Am I being deluded and it's really awful? Do any single mums actually enjoy their time to themselves and look forward to it? Or is it as awful as people make out? I would miss them but I think that's a good thing, I've never had the chance to "miss" them (Obviously not talking about cases of abusive exes which is completely understandable, simply mums who say they miss their kids too much so hate being away from them)

OP posts:
peachgreen · 23/05/2023 11:22

I’m a solo mum (my DH died when DD was 2) and I think there are pros and cons. Yes, honestly, I would love a break once a week or so and I do think it would make me a better mum. And I would love to have someone around to take DD when I’m not well. But conversely, I think it would be so difficult to parent with someone you don’t get on with. I like that for better or worse, decisions about DD are mine and mine alone. The stress coparenting often seems to cause is, from what I can tell, worse than the stress of never getting a break.

As with all situations, there’s a temptation to assume the grass is greener. But it’s usually not that clear cut.

strawberryurchin · 23/05/2023 11:25

I'm in a similar position to you OP, ex never takes our DD either out of the house or over night (he will do contact at my place). I do everything. 10 years in now! It's getting a bit easier as less hands on when they are a bit older. But still not a breeze. I've not been able to date etc yet. Hopefully in a year or two it might be a little easier. Good news - I can now leave DD for half an hour while I go to the supermarket! And DD will entertain herself on the computer. Little steps, little steps.

But it's been such a slog to this point. Hard being a single parent eh??

Lizzy1328 · 23/05/2023 11:27

I enjoy my child free weekends but miss them and almost feel guilty that I'm not taking care of them, it's a double edged sword. X

Lizzy1328 · 23/05/2023 11:28

It reminds me I'm a single parent, not something I ever wanted but my abusive, bully of an ex left me no choice. X

funinthesun19 · 23/05/2023 11:29

I’ve been a single parent for 3 and a half years now. Up until now, my ex has never had them overnight as his flat was an absolute state and it was no place for children to stay. He never took them out anywhere, and had to come to my house to see them. Honestly it’s been suffocating as not only did I never get a break, but I always had him in my house too. So an extra person. A person I didn’t want in my house. He of course loved it because it meant I wasn’t growing as a person after kicking him out.

However, he has now moved in with his parents who are decent people and have a lovely house. He has no excuses now. He’s started having the kids over, and this weekend just gone was the first weekend I had to myself for a long long long time. I missed the kids of course, but I got stuff done and I could breathe for 5 minutes. I agree the breaks are good for mental well-being and it’s not selfish to want a break as ultimately it refreshes you and makes you ready to go again.

I’m not counting my chickens that he will have them regularly as in EOW, but it’s a start. I’ve been through so much because of him when we were together and he still continued to control me for 3 years. But now I hope he can get a grip and start focusing on being a dad to his kids without being obsessed with me.

Cupcakekiller · 23/05/2023 11:30

I love it when my youngest goes to her dad's- we share her 50/50. I raised my eldest completely alone till he was 9 & it's a bloody tough gig.

Original poster
CadburyDream · 23/05/2023 11:33

funinthesun19 · 23/05/2023 11:29

I’ve been a single parent for 3 and a half years now. Up until now, my ex has never had them overnight as his flat was an absolute state and it was no place for children to stay. He never took them out anywhere, and had to come to my house to see them. Honestly it’s been suffocating as not only did I never get a break, but I always had him in my house too. So an extra person. A person I didn’t want in my house. He of course loved it because it meant I wasn’t growing as a person after kicking him out.

However, he has now moved in with his parents who are decent people and have a lovely house. He has no excuses now. He’s started having the kids over, and this weekend just gone was the first weekend I had to myself for a long long long time. I missed the kids of course, but I got stuff done and I could breathe for 5 minutes. I agree the breaks are good for mental well-being and it’s not selfish to want a break as ultimately it refreshes you and makes you ready to go again.

I’m not counting my chickens that he will have them regularly as in EOW, but it’s a start. I’ve been through so much because of him when we were together and he still continued to control me for 3 years. But now I hope he can get a grip and start focusing on being a dad to his kids without being obsessed with me.

That's very similar to my situation, 3 weeks ago was the first time my ex has ever taken them anywhere without me as usually he will only see them in my house but of course he even tried to invite me 😏 it was so nice having a bath in peace without the children here and I spent the rest of the time cleaning without children messing it back up again. Me and him would also get on much better if he actually took them, him not taking them is what causes the resentment.

OP posts:
Original poster
CadburyDream · 23/05/2023 11:34

Cupcakekiller · 23/05/2023 11:30

I love it when my youngest goes to her dad's- we share her 50/50. I raised my eldest completely alone till he was 9 & it's a bloody tough gig.

I would have loved 50/50 that would have been the ideal.

OP posts:
MamaRaisingBoys · 23/05/2023 11:34

I’m a single parent of 2. They have 1-2 overnights at their dads per week, depending on his shifts. I used to really struggle in the beginning, but I’ve come to appreciate the time I have to myself. When they go on holiday with him is the hardest, and actually I’d prefer they didn’t do that at all, I don’t think I’ll ever be used to it.

It’s worse in a way that he does have them regularly, because it leads me to hope he’ll be hands on with their care in other ways. It’s exhausting reminding him of school related stuff and parties and appointments etc and asking him if he’s willing to do stuff rather than it just be expected, like it is with me. There are pros and cons both ways I guess.

Feelingsad12 · 23/05/2023 11:36

I do enjoy the child free time - but my exh is always wanting more and any more than 2 nights out of 7 is too much for me and them

Fuzzyblank · 23/05/2023 11:39

I love it! They stay with their dads every other weekend and we mostly split the holidays so I even get a full week. Sometimes i go on holiday with a friend and he’ll have them extra. Or he’ll have them a weekend night if I have an occasion to go to.
I do miss them, but they’re 10 & 12 and have phones to text me if needed.
Also, I fully trust their dad so I don’t have anything to worry about.

Imperialleathers · 23/05/2023 11:40

I love my kids but I enjoy the break and look forward to it when I do get one. It makes me a better mum

defi · 23/05/2023 11:42

Everyone needs a break. I'm a single parent and my weekend breaks are when I socialise, sleep In, run errands, sort house ext. don't have time to miss him before I know it weekend is over

SomePosters · 23/05/2023 11:43

My ex does nothing but my mum has her at least once a week.

It has enabled me to develop as a person outside my role as a mother and I am definitely a better mother for time to recharge. I wouldn’t have taken on a degree if I didn’t have her support

I think it is hardest when people have an ex they don’t trust so they can’t relax in the time they are forced to be separated.

Before my mum moved to be closer I was 100% on my own and it was gruelling. You can’t enjoy them properly when you never get a break. Children are meant to be a group project!

Original poster
CadburyDream · 23/05/2023 11:44

I never socialise without my kids everything I do has to be child friendly and means I am often not included in things for example friends going on holiday but not inviting me

OP posts:
kshaw · 23/05/2023 11:45

I have shared care with my ex over my little one. And honestly sometimes I hate handover, sometimes I absolutely cannot wait for a break. I have spent the odd weekend in bed doing absolutely nothing! But as honest as that is, there's not one time I haven't looked forward to her coming home and me getting back to being mum. It can be hard (me and ex do not get along) but it just is what it is and if I was to be sad and upset every time I'd drive myself insane. We split the week up so I never go more than 4 days without her, I think I'd struggle with week on/week off set up, as would my little.one.

FrozenGhost · 23/05/2023 11:58

I'm sure lots, maybe even most do. It's human to enjoy a break. I'm not a single parent but I enjoy a break if I spend the day with a friend or travel for work - I imagine for single parents this is even more needed.

Original poster
CadburyDream · 23/05/2023 12:00

FrozenGhost · 23/05/2023 11:58

I'm sure lots, maybe even most do. It's human to enjoy a break. I'm not a single parent but I enjoy a break if I spend the day with a friend or travel for work - I imagine for single parents this is even more needed.

I only ever see the opposite

OP posts:
Cupcakekiller · 23/05/2023 12:01

I should point out that my eldest's dad was a complete waste of space and wasn't fit for caring for him for 50 minutes let alone 50% of the whole
Week. It only works now because my youngest's dad was always very hands on and involved in childcare before we split and is a competent parent.

sheldonia · 23/05/2023 12:03

CadburyDream · 23/05/2023 11:44

I never socialise without my kids everything I do has to be child friendly and means I am often not included in things for example friends going on holiday but not inviting me

why would they invite you, if you would have to bring children?

But if you want to socialise without your kids, why not pay a babysitter? Many people do.

Original poster
CadburyDream · 23/05/2023 12:06

sheldonia · 23/05/2023 12:03

why would they invite you, if you would have to bring children?

But if you want to socialise without your kids, why not pay a babysitter? Many people do.

Show quote history

Where did I say they should? I totally get why they don't please tell me where I said they should 😕

OP posts:
sheldonia · 23/05/2023 12:39

Why would you even mention it then if you had no problem with it, or didn't think yo should? That's like me randomly mentioning I wasn't invited to the Coronation....

Original poster
CadburyDream · 23/05/2023 12:41

I was pointing out how it affects my social life, yes I would love to go on holiday with them but I don’t resent them for not inviting me and understand why they don’t?? Not sure what’s hard to understand about that. Yes I feel sad I can’t go but I don’t resent them for not inviting me as they know I wouldn’t be able to. Clearer?

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 23/05/2023 12:53

10.5 years in and I love a break! ExH used to have DS two nights a week (except when he got a better offer) and I used to count the minutes until handover time (DS is autistic so can be hard work!). We've had a couple of extended periods when they've not seen each other - firstly during lockdown, when ExH took it upon himself to shield, and currently, as DS has realised decided his father is "a bit of a git" and wants a break from him. As I know I'm not getting a break, I'm not looking forward to it - I find this so much easier to cope with than largely regular contact not infrequently cancelled at the last minute. I often wonder how on earth completely solo parents stayed sane - perhaps it's not having any expectations of a night off and therefore no crushing disappointment?

Telepathickitty · 23/05/2023 13:09

Completely solo parent here and 4 years into that. I'm exhausted and would love a regular night off but it's never going to happen. Due to the circumstances there's no opportunities to date or find a partner so it's going to be many years until I have an evening with someone which is very lonely. I'll be 48 by the time my younger is 18. She is currently 8. It feels like I'm not getting to fully enjoy their childhood as it's marred by my own exhaustion and lonliness. I hate that I'm wishing away my time with them. I do my best not to do this.

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