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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if *any* single mums enjoy a break?

39 replies

CadburyDream · 23/05/2023 11:18

Just something I've been wondering, I see so many single mums saying they hate when their child(ren) go to their fathers house but does anyone actually enjoy it and look forward to the break or do most single mums hate it?

I'm a single parent and in 6 years my ex has never once had our children over night and never will. This is entirely his choice, I haven't had a night without my children since we split 6 years ago as I have no family help either. I long for weekends to myself where I can just chill out and not have to run around after kids and cook/ clean just some time to relax and rest and be by myself, have hobbies maybe even a social life! I don't even remember what that's like, every day feels the same. To me it seems like one of the perks of being separated having regular breaks from relentless parenting. But I see so many mums hate their time away from their children (Just to clarify I'm not referring to 50/50 or special occasions as that's not the cases I'm seeing, its from mums who's kids go to the dads for the weekend although I think I would have loved 50/50) I feel like I would be a better parent if I got regular breaks to rest and refresh but unfortunately that was never meant to be. At the moment I'm struggling, feel stressed and burnt out, being the only one to do everything is tough and money is tight being a lone parent and the kids being with me all the time and weekends im usually exhausted and have little energy to do much and I don't always have the money to go places.

I would love some weekends where I didn't have to entertain children and often dream about what it would be like to have a lie in and only think about myself. I know some people in couples dont get a break but it's not comparable to parenting alone and being the only one to do everything. Dcs father will see them as and when he feels like it, no set days and will never ever have them overnight (he last saw them 3 weeks ago for 4 hours and has made no plans to see them since) I've been unable to date or move on with a new partner in this time as never getting any time off makes that completely impossible and I've had to resign myself to being single until they've grown up which is still a long way off, yes I could pay £££ for a babysitter but in my area that would cost a fortune and its money I don’t have so its honestly not worth it when my ex could have them for free but chooses not to. He has never cooked dinner for them, bathed them, put them to bed, taken them to school since we split. Its all on me and its hard work not getting any rest from it all. Half term is the same and the 6 weeks holidays is relentless! I would love my ex to take them regularly and half the holidays but going on posts I see so many hate it? So am I lucky that my ex doesn’t bother? Am I being deluded and it's really awful? Do any single mums actually enjoy their time to themselves and look forward to it? Or is it as awful as people make out? I would miss them but I think that's a good thing, I've never had the chance to "miss" them (Obviously not talking about cases of abusive exes which is completely understandable, simply mums who say they miss their kids too much so hate being away from them)

OP posts:
Ihatepickingausername3 · 23/05/2023 13:10

I do! I also miss them at points but overall I think it helps me be a better mum to have some time for me.

Original poster
CadburyDream · 23/05/2023 13:14

Telepathickitty · 23/05/2023 13:09

Completely solo parent here and 4 years into that. I'm exhausted and would love a regular night off but it's never going to happen. Due to the circumstances there's no opportunities to date or find a partner so it's going to be many years until I have an evening with someone which is very lonely. I'll be 48 by the time my younger is 18. She is currently 8. It feels like I'm not getting to fully enjoy their childhood as it's marred by my own exhaustion and lonliness. I hate that I'm wishing away my time with them. I do my best not to do this.

Totally relate to this I find it boring lonely and isolating. I would love to meet someone its been 6 years but its not possible. I see mums moving on to new relationships after a year and I’m here 6 years later still alone. I miss adult company.

OP posts:
MumLass · 23/05/2023 13:14

I do enjoy the break, not ashamed to admit it! My children go to their Dad's every other weekend plus a night in the week. He'll be taking them on holiday too so a full week during school hols. It must be hard not having any help. I love my children fiercely but I'm a better Mum when I have a break. I use my alone time to get things done (I clean and do the shopping) so when they are back with me I can focus on them.

MumLass · 23/05/2023 13:16

Telepathickitty · 23/05/2023 13:09

Completely solo parent here and 4 years into that. I'm exhausted and would love a regular night off but it's never going to happen. Due to the circumstances there's no opportunities to date or find a partner so it's going to be many years until I have an evening with someone which is very lonely. I'll be 48 by the time my younger is 18. She is currently 8. It feels like I'm not getting to fully enjoy their childhood as it's marred by my own exhaustion and lonliness. I hate that I'm wishing away my time with them. I do my best not to do this.

I mean no offence, but surely you don't need to wait until your youngest is 18 before you can date? A 15 year old could be left for an evening while you go out for a meal. What age are you older kids? Pay them to babysit the younger so you get a night out?

crackofdoom · 23/05/2023 13:22

Jesus, I fucking love love love my weekends off! I feel like I'm reading about some kind of alien civilisation on the threads on here where women are sitting round wondering what to do with themselves when the DC are away and others are advising them to console themselves with a takeaway or a nice film. I mean, that's the kind of thing you can do when the kids are home, surely 🙄

I date, I go away in my van, I do massive walks alone or with friends, I go to parties, gigs, work on my allotment....etc etc etc. This can backfire though- just had a blissful weekend on Dartmoor with no signal, walked 15 miles in a day, swam in rivers etc.....came back and had the most crashing comedown, awake all night worrying about All the Shit That Needed Doing. Sometimes when you drop the reins it makes it so much harder to pick them up again 😪

It doesn't help that XP doesn't do anything. All the parenting falls to me. He literally just....has them. Lets them spend the weekend on screens and sporadically chucks some junk food at them. I am very resentful of the way that him heaping the whole of the parenting burden on me affects my ability to enjoy my children.

strawberryurchin · 23/05/2023 13:26

@crackofdoom agree if you let go for five mins it seems that the workload trebles!!

Original poster
CadburyDream · 23/05/2023 13:28

crackofdoom · 23/05/2023 13:22

Jesus, I fucking love love love my weekends off! I feel like I'm reading about some kind of alien civilisation on the threads on here where women are sitting round wondering what to do with themselves when the DC are away and others are advising them to console themselves with a takeaway or a nice film. I mean, that's the kind of thing you can do when the kids are home, surely 🙄

I date, I go away in my van, I do massive walks alone or with friends, I go to parties, gigs, work on my allotment....etc etc etc. This can backfire though- just had a blissful weekend on Dartmoor with no signal, walked 15 miles in a day, swam in rivers etc.....came back and had the most crashing comedown, awake all night worrying about All the Shit That Needed Doing. Sometimes when you drop the reins it makes it so much harder to pick them up again 😪

It doesn't help that XP doesn't do anything. All the parenting falls to me. He literally just....has them. Lets them spend the weekend on screens and sporadically chucks some junk food at them. I am very resentful of the way that him heaping the whole of the parenting burden on me affects my ability to enjoy my children.

Yep you’ve seen the threads as well they definitely exist people that can’t bare to be away from their kids at all and it makes me feel guilty thinking how much I would love it. I want to swap places! As you say I can have a movie night and a takeaway when the kids are here only I have to buy them something as well 😏. I dream of a day when I only need to think about myself. Would live to join or group in the evenings but can’t as kids are always here… would just love to have something going on in my life that doesnt revolve around kids rather than spending every single weekend in the park or soft play. I can’t imagine sitting at home crying my eyes out that they are not here.

OP posts:
roarfeckingroarr · 23/05/2023 13:30

A break is lovely. Every other weekend and one night midweek would be perfect. 50/50 custody? Hell no. Way too much.

egowise · 23/05/2023 13:39

I enjoy my breaks. I miss the kids, but I enjoy my me time all the same.

marmitegirl01 · 23/05/2023 13:48

Totally love my breaks. When they were small I would crawl towards them. It was light at end of tunnel as I'd be on my knees after having them alone. Over time I wasn't so desperate for break but have always enjoyed it. There's plenty to do 🤷‍♀️ friends, days out, days in cinema, gardening, just being able to watch my tv sometimes. Been doing it for 16yrs now.
I'm looking forward to when they move out and become fully independent too 🤷‍♀️🤣

JMSA · 23/05/2023 13:50

I don't just enjoy my 'every other weekend'. I live for it.
The minute I can't cope without my children around, I'll know I've lost my identity completely and that's never gonna happen

Original poster
CadburyDream · 23/05/2023 17:46

Ah it's nice to know not everyone hates it I thought it was sad so many mum's seem to struggle being away from their children so much so wondered if I was cold hearted for seeing it as one of the benefits😅 that's what it is really, having your own identity rather than just being a mum.

OP posts:
JMSA · 23/05/2023 18:48

Oh, it's the absolute plus side of divorce. I will never understand women who don't know what to do with themselves when childfree. How dull!

Original poster
CadburyDream · 23/05/2023 20:35

If I had nothing to do I would find something! Even having the chance to do nothing would be a nice feel like I never stop 🤣 I know not everyone wants to date again but having the option would be nice!

OP posts:
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