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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to see less of our friends?

32 replies

Luckyonetwothree · 23/05/2023 10:55

AIBU in wanting to see less of our friends? My partner of 7 years (we live together), works nights, I work days so we see very little of each other. At weekends I tend to do housework all Saturday while he sleeps then on Saturday night/Sundays I’d like to spend some quality time with him. He however seems to always want to spend it around other people, i.e. his friends, so he will end up going out on Saturday tea time for a coffee with a mate for a few hours and then later Saturday evening he wants to see couples together, go for drinks/bowling etc.

Come Sunday he’ll again want to either entertain (loads of work for me) or go out to friends’ houses (I’m always invited as they are usually couples). The minute he's up he'll be trying to arrange something. I keep saying I want a romantic meal out/weekend away etc, just the two of us, but it’s almost like he’s avoiding that. I don’t want to spend my spare time preparing and cooking and clearing up after visitors as I’ve done it so much over the past few years and its hard work. I don’t mind the odd time but I’m starting to resent it. When I complain that I want to do things just the two of us he’ll say ‘but we spend all out time together’. Well no we don’t actually as we’re always at work. I’m starting to feel really side-lined and am quite sick and bored of spending so much time with his mates and their wives/girlfriends – I’m quite happy in my own company or just with him. He’s not the most demonstrative man but I know he loves me, however I crave some romance – is this unreasonable?

How can we compromise on this? I’m starting to feel we are not right for each other and I’ve invested so much into this relationship not quite sure what to do next.

OP posts:
Sirloinwithlove · 23/05/2023 10:57

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Previously banned poster.

Sirloinwithlove · 23/05/2023 10:58

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Previously banned poster.

Dodo2023 · 23/05/2023 10:59

Get him to do all the preparing and clearing for a start.

JustMarriedBecca · 23/05/2023 11:00

Every other weekend. You have to agree to compromise.

EmpressSoleil · 23/05/2023 11:00

Well so far he's getting it all his own way. But equally you can't force romance (I have tried and failed in the past!). This is who he is. Can you live like that?

Original poster
Luckyonetwothree · 23/05/2023 11:01

we are in our late 40's

OP posts:
ItsCalledAConversation · 23/05/2023 11:02

We have a slight imbalance in our relationship like this. I’d happily make plans with friends every single weekend, whereas left to himself DH would probably see people once a month at most.

We compromise one one week on, one week off. So if we’re (or I alone, sometimes) are doing social things either hosting at home or out and about, we take the following weekend off to just be together and have family time. I find it hard to say no to things on our “off” weekends and we do sometimes have to have words, but it more or less works.

We look ahead and plan our joint calendar this way, which avoids a lot of upset and resentment (and social burnout on his part). Can you talk to DH about setting something like this up? He can’t just always be making ad hoc plans and expecting you to cater for his mates every weekend.

SallyWD · 23/05/2023 11:02

So he's making all the arrangements and you're doing all the cleaning and cooking? That's not fair. Tell him that if he wants to have people round he can do all the prep. I bet he'd soon stop!

Fiddlededeefiddlededoh · 23/05/2023 11:03

I don’t understand why

  1. you do all of the housework
  2. you do all of the hosting.

stop doing both you are making the proverbial rod for your own back there.

The relationship has all of the hallmarks of a giver and a taker. They make the best kinds of relationships imaginable for the taker often at the complete expense of the giver. You really should focus on learning to be less of a giver they tend to be vulnerable to be taken advantage of.

CountessBathorysBeautySecrets · 23/05/2023 11:04

I keep saying I want a romantic meal out/weekend away etc, just the two of us, but it’s almost like he’s avoiding that.

Sounds like that may be the case to be honest.

Yesterda123 · 23/05/2023 11:04

Sounds like he's not that into you sadly.

Spacestace · 23/05/2023 11:04

I don't think it's unreasonable for him to want to see his friends and do stuff like that, but of course in relationships there is usually compromise- and if he isn't prioritising seeing you at all then that's an issue. At the end of the day if you aren't happy then perhaps it is time to move on, as much of a shame as that is.

Tumbler2121 · 23/05/2023 11:04

Well for a start forget all Saturday cleaning and housework, give him a few hours sleep then get into bed with him.

Littleworkaholic · 23/05/2023 11:06

My friend is like this, she finds it boring if they don’t go and do stuff and see friends, but she loves her partner enormously. It’s just she’s always been like this. I think make him do the cleaning and cooking. See if she’s so keen then.

KezzaMucklowe · 23/05/2023 11:07

I think if there’s a tiny niggle in your mind that you’re not right for each other it’s probably true. Especially if you’ve tried to talk to him about it and nothing changes, or he doesn’t take your perspective on board.
My DP works shifts too and it can be very difficult to see each other, I don’t depend on him but I do seek some sort of companionship from him, otherwise what’s the point.

DiIIy · 23/05/2023 11:08

You are both wasting about 40% of your weekend by cleaning/sleeping! Change that for a start and maybe you'd both have a bit more time.

But if he's refusing to spend time alone with you then yes you're poss not right for each other.

CuriousMama · 23/05/2023 11:11

Not right for each other. I really don't understand why it's a lot of work for you. He should do it

CheekNerveGallAudacityandGumption · 23/05/2023 11:15

I think some context would help - you said you’re lates 40s, so is it a second marriage? Do you have children? Children from previous relationships?
If you’ve only been together 7 years I’d say this isn’t a good sign.

NeedToChangeName · 23/05/2023 11:17

I'm more sociable than my DH. We manage to compromise

I'm more concerned that (1) you do all the housework and (2) you do all the work for hosting. That's the bigger issue IMHO

DrManhattan · 23/05/2023 11:18

I think he's taking the piss a bit tbf

Mitsouko67 · 23/05/2023 11:18

How exhausting for you. It sounds lonely for you too in your relationship.

Sounds like long walks together the two of you might be needed so you can talk about how you feel and what this is like for you.

You need to ask for what you need in this relationship. Things have changed and it is your turn now. Good luck.

itsmylife7 · 23/05/2023 11:27

You cook,clean and work in the day.

He works nights (what hours ) how long do you spend together before he leaves for work ? and what does he do after he wakes up ?

GeriKellmansUpdo · 23/05/2023 11:51

YA very much NBU.

That said, I have completely the opposite problem where DH refuses to see anyone else on weekends, and has turned into a hermit.

Mariposista · 23/05/2023 12:22

DiIIy · 23/05/2023 11:08

You are both wasting about 40% of your weekend by cleaning/sleeping! Change that for a start and maybe you'd both have a bit more time.

But if he's refusing to spend time alone with you then yes you're poss not right for each other.

I have to agree with this.

fireflyloo · 23/05/2023 12:37

Neither of you are wrong but your working schedules just don't match up so your free time is limited.