To quietly exit this group of friends?

[ChangeyPosty]

I’ve been in a group of friends for about 5 years, and it’s got me thinking that, if I come away feeling shit quite often, perhaps I should be stepping back.

The main reason is that there have been 3 occasions where I’ve felt like a mug and an idiot. For example, people arranging to go somewhere, and I was one of 2 not included and the organiser told the others to keep it a secret. Then there’s times they’ve arranged to do something, I’ve agreed and paid as requested, then it turns out they didn’t sign up and I was left on my own like an idiot! There seems to be a pecking order in the group too, or tiers…..and guess which level I’m on?

I’m trying to broaden my horizons but I’m a long way from home and family, and don’t know many people. I’ve taken up a new hobby, and got a new job recently, but certainly not fighting friends off with a stick.

Just wish I had more, nice female friends. Is this normal behaviour in a group of women?

@ChangeyPosty reading your post and examples of things they have done ornlwdt you out of plus the comment you made on tiers reminds me of someone describing a friendship group I was in as an apple.

Two at the core some around the core some worms moving in and out and some the skin ... we were 11 and ot was our teacher trying to show us how our dynamic wasn't the best and was hurting people.

Your friends sound horrid so yes ditch them.

Xx

Thinkingofmovingtothesea, I don't think I have done anything to annoy anyone like being tight. In fact, I would say my own generosity has made me a muggins a few times. Also, it is not because I am richer, slimmer, better looking or any jealous reason. I think they are just a massively individual self centred bunch who all have that in common with each other.

When we go out at night I find myself going home a bit early and feeling deflated because I have had to bite my tongue for some side comment or I've not wanted to spend the evening telling someone how amazing they are. It's dull. I get home and I wonder why they like each other so much, or do they?

Now that I have read the thread and written it all down I can see what the issue is. We have DC in common, but that is it. I am not THEIR tribe and they are not mine. The people I am great friends with don't take themselves seriously at all, and have a good laugh. I find myself watching what I say with this group because they do take themselves very seriously.

You should feel uplifted, bouyant and cheerful from time in their company

Even though the company I work for is not the best, I come home feeling like this because my friends at work are a hoot and we have had lunch together and spent the day laughing whilst working.

not flat or ruminating

Yep, feel flat and I ruminate after being with this group.

Thx everyone, I think I know what I need to do now.

I wouldn't say it's normal as such but it is quite common.

Historically I don't do well with social groups of women. There will be two or three I really connect with but also some whom I wouldn't single out to spend my time with given the choice...and of course, it works the other way too. I am one of those people to someone else.
Queen bees don't seem to like me much. I'm enthusiastic and friendly but I'm not a fawner or follower so it doesn't take long before I'm treated with suspicion and inevitably spurned. Interestingly, the social group I have enjoyed a 20+ years bonding with, don't have a Queen Bee among us.

I'm enthusiastic and friendly but I'm not a fawner or follower

Despite the self esteem on the floor post by me, I think I am exactly the same. I am a very independent person and I don't know why this isn't a virtue, but a hindrance.

Was part of a social group that had a version of Amanda from motherland. But with a incredibly annoying voice and used to take against anyone who didn't suddenly agree with her. Never rude enough to be called out but snidy.

Example "oh dear you haven't slept for 7 days because your baby is teething ? My little Gertrude slept 24hrs a day since birth and now speaks 3 language and she's a similar age to your baby but she's just so advanced for 9months"

At least Amanda from motherload had some redeeming qualities.

Exit the group op. It will piss them off knowing you don't care about them anymore. Our Amanda went wild when someone silently left our group chat and started some vile tirade that lasted months. I shortly followed the previous person and apparently she's still banging on about it to this day.

Some people are radiators, some people are drains. The always "positive" people aren't always radiators but I'm a Julia/Liz so those types tend to get on my last fecking nerve

Tennis lessons and join a social club is a good one

local am dram group - my eldest goes and I make the tea and coffee and help out

took me two years to find a nice liberal church but I found one

womens book group

I became a local governor of a school

and I got an allotment

I am a single parents and I am working full time but these don’t take up loads of my time

volunteer for scouts or something - get new friend and you fade them out

Aw that's not nice that they did that.
I promise your 'people' are out there, you just need to get away from this group.

They sound absolutely awful! I’d actively avoid them and look at seeing your colleagues socially, as you’re well liked there. Alternatively, pursue other hobbies and interests to meet like minded people. The last thing you want is to allow these nasty women to affect your self esteem.

You should download Peanut and get away from these awful people! That's not a normal way to treat someone!.

Every minute you spend with them is a minute you’re not treating yourself well. That time you could be spending on new hobbies or activities where you could make inroads into meeting your tribe, or time enjoying a nice cup of tea and a good book, or learning something new, or trying out a weird recipe. Just mute the group and back away.

Wow that sounds like a nightmare sorry for you @ChangeyPosty ChangeyPosty. Clearly if it's impacting you that much then get the hell out.
Always a bit weird when the only reason you are friends with other women is because of kids.. The cracks can start to show after a while... you realise what do we really have in common. Somebody mentioned about wondering if other members within the group might be worth getting to know a bit better... that's if you have time for any of them.. if you don't abandon ship.. if you do it might be worth a go.... but sounds like you don't trust them anyway. Also maybe talk to a counsellor... sounds like your self esteem needs a huge boost... and maybe they can get to the bottom of it with you and help you through this..

"When we go out at night I find myself going home a bit early and feeling deflated because I have had to bite my tongue for some side comment or I've not wanted to spend the evening telling someone how amazing they are. It's dull. I get home and I wonder why they like each other so much, or do they?"

I think that perhaps they like each other so much because they are united in having you as a whipping boy. I suspect that once you leave the group, there will be a shift in hierarchy and they will turn on one of their own. Like the alpha female hyena turning on the weakest in the pack, and the others joining in. So perhaps you were right about alpha after all?

Are any of the friends group at work with you, as in, do you see them everyday without fail?