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AIBU?

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Original poster

To quietly exit this group of friends?

63 replies

ChangeyPosty · 22/05/2023 21:18

I’ve been in a group of friends for about 5 years, and it’s got me thinking that, if I come away feeling shit quite often, perhaps I should be stepping back.

The main reason is that there have been 3 occasions where I’ve felt like a mug and an idiot. For example, people arranging to go somewhere, and I was one of 2 not included and the organiser told the others to keep it a secret. Then there’s times they’ve arranged to do something, I’ve agreed and paid as requested, then it turns out they didn’t sign up and I was left on my own like an idiot! There seems to be a pecking order in the group too, or tiers…..and guess which level I’m on?

I’m trying to broaden my horizons but I’m a long way from home and family, and don’t know many people. I’ve taken up a new hobby, and got a new job recently, but certainly not fighting friends off with a stick.

Just wish I had more, nice female friends. Is this normal behaviour in a group of women?

OP posts:
ZeppelinTits · 22/05/2023 22:52

Fuck that. Life is too short, there are nice people out there just waiting for you to find them who will become good friends. Cut this lot loose. They sound awful!

Legandawing · 22/05/2023 22:53

I’ve just walked away from a friendship like this.

Her face was as sour as lemons and every thing out of her mouth was unbelievably negative and I mean every thing!

Other people would always ask why she was so miserable but I’d always just give her time of day because sometimes (rarely) she’d be funny/nice.

It got to the point I’d be going home after spending time with her in a horrible negative mood about myself. In the end I just blocked her. Being friends with people like that can be detrimental to your mental health.

You’d do well to remove yourself. They aren’t worth it. X

Iceicebabytoocold · 22/05/2023 22:54

Another one voting for ditching them, they sounds like a nasty bunch. Leave them to their own company, you might be surprised and see more drop out when they see you do it xx

Luredbyapomegranate · 22/05/2023 23:08

Dump them. Not normal at all.

NotQuiteUsual · 22/05/2023 23:35

I've just ditched a friendship group for exactly the same reasons. I don't have the energy for it. I'd rather have no friends than ones that make me feel shit. If you happen to be based in Northumberland though let me know, birds of a feather and all that.

SW2002 · 22/05/2023 23:40

That's playground shit, ditch them immediately. You're (presumably) an adult, that sort of stuff should have been left behind years ago, refuse to suffer it.

808Kate1 · 22/05/2023 23:51

it’s got me thinking that, if I come away feeling shit quite often, perhaps I should be stepping back.

Your answer's in your first sentence. Walk away from them, their behaviour is childish and pack-like. There's other women out there more deserving of your friendship, and you will find them. Taking up a new hobby is a really good start.

converseandjeans · 23/05/2023 00:08

It sounds worse than a group of Year 9 girls in school.

Just don't bother to agree to meet up. Maybe leave the WhatsApp group - or mute it.

Pocodaku · 23/05/2023 00:58

Not normal at all. They’re being spiteful and mean, dump them!

Thinkingofmovingtosea · 23/05/2023 14:37

That sounds lousy and my advice would be to remove yourself from the situation. However one thing worth reflecting on maybe... Could it be without realising it that you have been doing something to annoy them... we have a lady in our group who never buys a round of drinks when we are out.. she totally skimps off everyone, when she goes to house parties she never brings general stuff for the party just what she plans to drink etc.. In essence she is extremely tight..... also she earns a lot of money and spends lots of it on cosmetic procedures etc... this gets everyone's back up. She keeps banging on about her problems all the time and excuses her tightness with being a single mum.... but honestly everyone has just got sick of listening to her... I'm not suggesting you are like that but when it comes to being tight.. often friends won't have the heart to say it to you.. likewise if you are self obsessed with how you look and spend money on yourself but at the expense of others... I guess 2 sides and all that... catty might be code for being frustrated.. but you know the group best!

IndexBook · 23/05/2023 17:40

ChangeyPosty · 22/05/2023 21:28

I’m not entirely alone. I’ve got my DH and DC, great friends at work, and a very close friend who lives 70 miles away 😝

I just wish I had some women to hang out with and have a laugh. There have been a few occasions actually where a couple of them were quite catty to me and I said nothing. They are very far from perfect themselves!!!!

This is plenty for now! Concentrate on these positive relationships for now.

I'm sure when you ditch these group of toxic drains that the new good friends will slowly emerge.

They definitely don't sound Alpha! Zeta Frenemies! Don't let people like this be good enough for you! 💐

IglesiasPiggl · 23/05/2023 17:50

They are insecure women who occasionally need you to make themselves feel better or to make up the numbers. Stop responding to their invites and develop the air of vague business that means that sadly you're "not available for this one ladies but have a great time".

RoseGoldEagle · 23/05/2023 18:04

These are not ‘alpha women’, they sound like quite unhappy, insecure women, who make themselves feel better by including someone in their group who they can birch about/make the butt of their jokes. Which is NOT your fault, when you’re a nice, normal person, then of course you can’t be on the ‘mean’ side, because it wouldn’t occur to you to treat people like that. Please please leave this group, you won’t look back once you do!

SunnyFrost · 23/05/2023 18:06

I’m realising more and more as I get older that you can tell a LOT from how you feel when you leave a social situation with friends. You should feel uplifted, bouyant and cheerful from time in their company. If you leave feeling flat, crap about yourself, not good enough, anxious (ruminating on things you said ‘wrong’) or foolish, they are not your tribe. They might be out and out nasty (which in this case they seem to be) or just the wrong fit for you, but either way you will do yourself no favours by going back for more time in their company.

We need to protect ourselves and our mental well-being by only surrounding ourselves with people who have a positive impact on our mental state. Anything less and you will be far better off spending time happily solo.

It’s a lesson I’m trying hard to live by as I get a bit older. I read once that we should be our own best friend - treat yourself as you would a good friend. What advice would you give her? To steer clear and don’t put yourself through it anymore? Then do that!

StaunchMomma · 23/05/2023 18:22

They sound like dicks, OP.

Definitely exit and hopefully you'll meet new people as you fill your spare time with pursuits that don't leave you feeling shite!

Do you enjoy sports, at all? Women's netball and football teams are notoriously social. Might be worth a try?

SchoolShenanigans · 23/05/2023 18:48

They sound very immature. I feel you, making friends as an adult is tough. But you'll make more, especially as you're getting out and about. You don't need people like that in your life. Good friends bring you up, not down. They're just hard to find.

LemonSqueezy0 · 23/05/2023 18:55

Do you get on well with any one in the group on a 1-2-1 basis? Maybe one of the other 'lower tier' ones? Make those friendships, or new, more fulfilling friendships, more of a priority and allow the other ones to fade into history.

lunaxandilet · 23/05/2023 18:56

SunnyFrost · 23/05/2023 18:06

I’m realising more and more as I get older that you can tell a LOT from how you feel when you leave a social situation with friends. You should feel uplifted, bouyant and cheerful from time in their company. If you leave feeling flat, crap about yourself, not good enough, anxious (ruminating on things you said ‘wrong’) or foolish, they are not your tribe. They might be out and out nasty (which in this case they seem to be) or just the wrong fit for you, but either way you will do yourself no favours by going back for more time in their company.

We need to protect ourselves and our mental well-being by only surrounding ourselves with people who have a positive impact on our mental state. Anything less and you will be far better off spending time happily solo.

It’s a lesson I’m trying hard to live by as I get a bit older. I read once that we should be our own best friend - treat yourself as you would a good friend. What advice would you give her? To steer clear and don’t put yourself through it anymore? Then do that!

Good advice. If you feel flat afterwards, not the right fit. Perhaps not mean but just not the right fit.

I found out that even if I have a bit of hope attached to people as such, when I free up my mental space, there's room for people that are far better.

Though some friendships are a bit of a challenge, there might be one truly wonderful friend and other 2 that don't click.

Either way, one should walk away from friends feeling better, not flat or ruminating.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 23/05/2023 19:03

I was in a group like this when I was 20 and I regret not having the guts to exit then - I look back on it in a real WTF way - go for it I say

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 23/05/2023 19:04

That's excellent advice I wish I'd had when I was younger @SunnyFrost

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 23/05/2023 19:08

ChangeyPosty · 22/05/2023 21:32

I just kind of feel sad, like there’s something wrong with me and I don’t know how to deal with a lot of women. But then, I get on really well with my work colleagues and in my appraisal my manager said I’m really popular, and respected. Maybe I’ve just stumbled upon a group of alpha women.

Perhaps they feel threatened by you, cleverer, richer, prettier blah blah. They don't deserve you, dump them and move on. Sometimes it's better to be alone than surrounded by people who are unpleasant like this. Sorry you're going through this, it's shit but can only get better.

GCalltheway · 23/05/2023 19:08

Ditch and use your time to find kinder friends.

Twiglets1 · 23/05/2023 19:10

It's not normal. They sound bitchy and awful - sorry they have treated you like that.

peachypudding · 23/05/2023 19:13

They sound dreadful. As @SunnyFrost said - they are not your tribe. You will find lovely new ones soon, if that's where you now direct your thoughts and energy.

Thinkingofmovingtosea · 23/05/2023 20:17

Sunny Post so well put! totally agree with you.