What is this technique called and why is it working?

[secular39]

Hello everyone,

So- whenever I had a bad day or became involved in a conflict with someone. I would be stewing for days, avoiding the person, become consumed or worried and thus, impacting on my mood and not able to enjoy the rest of my today.

I made a New Years relation to myself that I will not allow anyones negativity keep me down. It will go through one ear and straight out the other ear. I will enjoy my life with peace and let peoples rude remarks wash over me.

Now. I'm saying I'm not a pushover. I'm definitely not and can be feisty back. But every time I argued or stewed in anger, it will make me feel tired and I don't want to waste my limited energy on things that are not important for me. So this is what I have been currently doing;

1. My manager and I don't get along. She can be very critical, argument and likes to put members of the team down. I'm one of them. Usually, I'll snap back. But for the past couple of months, I have adopted a new technique:

Manager came in to the office, shouting, and told me that she did not like a piece that I'd written, and that how I'm failing the team, that it's not up to standard and it's the worse piece of work that she has ever seen (she said this in front of a few colleagues who were in the office). I turned to look at her and said "Ohno, that's a shame. I really worked hard on it and was not given any direction. But appreciate the feedback and will provide a draft report by X date and will amend accordingly". My manager paused, looked at me dumbfounded and turned away. I saw her later on the day and gave her my biggest fake smile (even though I was rolling my eyes x100 in my head).

2. My brother gave my abusive ex husband my poor dad's number only for my ex husband to harass my father daily (I have blocked his number from my fathers phone). I confronted my brother about this and he shouted a load of abuse. He sent me very hurtful voice messages and my response to him was "ok". This seemed to have upset him further. He proceeded to send another load of voice messages. I blocked his number. I felt good.

3. I booked a taxi and told the driver that I will be 5 minutes late from the time he comes to my destination ( as a meeting had slightly run over). Taxi driver was ok with this and said it was fine. I arrived exactly 5 minutes late as to what I warned the driver. He saw me and began shouting at me through his car window saying "I had a doctors appointment! Now I am late! Silly woman! You don't think we have other jobs". I looked at the taxi driver like , slowed down my breath and said "I'm sorry. But I no longer need the taxi. Have a good day :)". He kissed his teeth and drove off.

I felt good Mumsnetters. Before I will get riled up, upset, will think about it for days. But I wonder if this is what peace fills like, not allowing the stresses of the day consume you and allow it to spoil any joyous moments.

Anyway, what is this technique called? Is it a technique that I can indeed using?

I don’t know but sounds amazing. I’m currently having a hard time in many aspects of my life and would love to be like this! ‘Not bothered’ Well done!

I think your new attitude is working well! You could make it a technique, write a paper on it and become a lifestyle coach!

It's called Not Really Giving a Fuck Anymore.

Because you don't give a fuck, nothing they can do impacts upon you emotionally. I can heartily recommend it.

Yes, it's The Art of Not Giving a Fuck and it's utterly amazing! I started trying to do this about a year ago, and with practice I'm pretty good at doing it about 80% of the time. Crack on OP, it gets better and more satisfying the more you do it!

I would like to subscribe to your newsletter OP

I love this OP! I'm going to adopt this way of being!

I even felt good reading those!!! Keep going!

It’s called grey rock. It’s the technique they recommend you use with abusers/narcissists, ie you don’t give them any fuel. They feed off your emotion, good or bad. If you don’t give it, they wither away. There’s loads of good advice on the technique online if you want to hone your skills 😁 sounds like it’s working for you! X

Yip. My philosophy in life too. I can't control the behaviour or reactions of others, I can only control my behaviour and my reactions. So that's what I focus on.

Ah! So that's what it's called! Had a quick Google read. But it seems to piss off people more. But I guess that's there problem as opposed to mine.

I feel great. Now, I'm not perfect and will put my foot down when needs be. But I feel so much happier and stress free. Life is so short, I cannot bother myself with silly things. I have three DC's (all have needs) who, alongside good friends and family, are my priority. I'm polite but the rest of the world can have my middle finger. I finally feel in control of my emotions. No one can put me down (I hope!).

Yeah, to be fair, what you’re doing is “Grey Rock Lite”! Which is a really good adaptation of the model for interaction with regular, non personality disordered people who are just rude! You’re adding in a bit of placating politeness to help grease the wheels and I reckon it’ll get you far! “Hardcore” grey rock is really just for people who you don’t want in your life at all, not great for your boss etc 😊

I’d say grey rock as well. Amazing! Keep it up!

A new pioneering technique combining 'All out of fucks' with 'Grey rock', using the best of each for each unique situation.
Enjoy 😘

Sounds a bit like the kind of thing they’d teach in rational emotive behavioural therapy. You can’t control others’ behaviour but you can consider and choose how to respond, and to an extent also how you feel

I love this thread.
I so want to not let people’s rude and abusive behaviour get to me so will be watching with interest.

It sounds helpful. I am trying to do this more often.
I feel like I’m obliged to kick off about everything. I think cos my mother and sibling are huge pleasers and I have a lot invested in not being so. But gosh it is draining giving too much of a shit.
”Who cares” is massively underused by women.

This is amazing! You have run out of fucks to give 😂

It really does make life easier!

Excellent work OP!

I think you are also employing what DH calls the ‘killing with kindness’ technique

add in the ‘“No” is a complete sentence’ method and you’re golden 😺🏅

I discovered grey rock a while ago. I use it with my mother. I also found the article ' my mother is a psychopath 'very helpful. There are lots of videos on tiktok about answering things in the way you have Op. My favourite, when asked to do things I don't give a fuck about, is ,' Oh thank you so much for asking me. I would be delighted but I just don't have time to do that right now. Please feel free to ask me again another time ( when I will also say no).Such a polite way of saying no, absolutely not.Leaves them nowhere to go. They can't go and bitch to anyone about what you said because its so polite. But you still aren't doing the bollocks they wanted someone to do.

It's the Taylor Swift Technique. You Shake It Off. Players gonna play, haters gonna hate, shake it off.

I often sing this very loudly in my kitchen whilst shaking my arms and jumping up and down. Works a treat.

I do this but trying to not give a fuck is proving difficult- well, I don’t give a fuck but I am that hacked off inside that I can lie awake much of the night after a run in with my ex…

Him : are you fucking joking, you cheeky fucker, I want a life you cheeky fucker, how fucking dare you suggest I have my kid 1 night a week you cheeky fucker, do you think that’s fair for me to have no life?

me - yes I think it’s fair, shall I drop her off at 9am or a bit later?

Then I seethe!

I really like the sound of this OP! I would love to hear more of your examples.

I would love to do this, but I simply can't react fast enough. I’m always caught on the hop completely out of the blue when someone's being a twat. And then I can't get a decent response out and go over it in my head for weeks. It's like I expect better of people so it's a shock when it happens, though by now I should really know better! How to snap into a reaction instead of being blindsided?!

I think I need to learn some of this.